Submitted on Saturday, June 14, 2008
By Mandy, 29, from Los Angeles:

I have been living with my boyfriend for a year, and he treats me well and seems to care a lot about me, but won't say he loves me. Should I stay with him?

VictorM's advice:

The first thing you must... I repeat MUST... realize is that his lack of saying the words "I love you" isn't about you; it's all about him. It's about his upbringing and his inhibitions. His behavior says a lot more about the kind of home life he had, how his mom and dad dealt with him, what experiences he had when he showed affection, etc. than it does with his feelings for you. I want to emphasize that you should deal with this as if he had some medical condition -- you should help him and not allow it to be a reflection of your role in the relationship.

Dealing with this would be best left to a professional therapist but if he's not interested in seeking help, this situation could be a problem. Not only is it natural for you to want to hear expressions of love but if you two have children, do you want them to have a father who can't verbalize his emotions? Sounds like you wouldn't.

Even if he doesn't seek help, still try to understand his upbringing and please consider carefully how you talk to him about it. If you sound accusatory ("You never say you love me", "you're so cold", etc.) you're bound to get him to dig his heels deeper. You should talk in first person and mention your feelings ("I would be so happy to hear you say you love me"). If you talk this way, maybe he'll respond positively to wanting you to make you happy more than he would to you wanting him to change.

Do try to work things out if he's a good guy but don't dismiss the importance of having a partner that from time to time let's you know what you mean to him.