|
Our discussion forum is open for business. Come say hello. |
Monday, June 23, 2008
Forbidden Fruit
Submitted on Thursday, June 19, 2008
By marissa, 39, from florida:
I became intimate with a male friend approximately two years ago. At that time I had a boyfriend and he pursued me. I had a difficult time leaving my boyfriend because I felt guilty although I was sort of having an increasingly romantic relationship with the person I am talking about now. There were times in the relationship when I had the courage to distance myself from my boyfriend and when I did, then this guy would distance himself from me. I justified it (or he did) assuming that he was under the impression that I had already broken things up and I actually had not and then when I came with the news that I had finally done it he felt that I had not been true with him. Anyway, finally my relationship with my boyfriend died.
This guy and I started seeing each other but not in public. He said we should not let people from church know right away. It has remained this way. We have distanced ourselves from each other on and off. Usually he initiates the on/off switch. I always go through hurt quietly, but leave him alone. Then he comes back and I never mention what happened before or set new expectations that would benefit me. I always think it's going to be different. Recently he initiated wanting to get close to me again and I felt into the same stupid trap. Approximately two weeks and a half ago, while we were again talking and kind of clse, he wanted to meet me after church to spend time with me (By the way, in church he barely talks to me or looks at me when there are other people around).
I told him that I couldn't because I needed to do something else. He told me well, If you change your mind, Ill be there. I left ahead of him and as I was driving I decided to meet him just for a little while where he said. When he showed up I told him that I couldn't stay, but that I felt bad that he would go and not find me there. We talked for a few minutes and he asked me again, "Are you sure you have to go?" I said, "Yes". Well, I left. That night he sent me a funny e-mail message. The following day I called him. When he finally called me he was barely talking and I was having to carry most of the conversation. That night I said to myself, "I've had it." I'm not going to call him again. Well, It's been almost three weeks, as I mentioned earlier, and he has not picked up the phone to call me. I see him in church and try to smile and act normal. About one-week and a half ago. He seemed (but it may just be in my imagination)that he tried to get a little close to me again, but waiting, in a way, for me to initiate an invitation to our usual meeting place. I did not, eventhough it was hard for me. However, I did ask him, "are you mad at me." He said no and I just said bye.
What do you think about all of this? Do you think that he will try to warm-up to me again after this most recent estrangement? I want him to because I really miss him,but I want it to be under my own terms this time. I cannot take it anymore the way that I have allowed him to treat me for so long.
Also, he is the director of one of the music programs in church, which I am one of its members. Should I continue attending this music group making believe that I am not hurting, or should I just stop going?
Look If he would have treated me like a decent person that I am and at least talked to me in church in front of others, even if not as a girlfriend, I might not feel as bad about this. Victor, please help me. Give me lots of insight and enlightment.
In a way I wish that he would come back trying to get back with me and I had the strength to tell him that it's too late. But my brother tells me that I should not even think about this type of "getting back" at someone behavior. He supposedly was my best friend for a few years before this whole nightmare started, which is why it is also so difficult for me. I have so many mixed feelings. And it is so hard to see him week after week in church. And also hard to stop going to this church where I have some activities and friends. I want to be able to smile again and not care about him.
VictorM's advice:
Marissa, everything you say about him suggests he thinks he really shouldn't be with you, that he only is at moments of weakness. You are the forbidden fruit that he should resist all the time but doesn't always. Every time you're together it's a sign that he has failed in his quest to be a better man, hence is desire to stay away from you.
You see yourself as a decent person, but your actions betray that assessment. You have been an unfaithful woman who lacks self-respect: you cheated on your boyfriend with him, you agreed to being his secret lover, you have tolerated his behavior as a way to try to manipulated him into wanting you, and you have engaged in casual sex outside of marriage. I'm sure most of your fellow church goers would have a problem with your pattern of behavior, and I would have to believe he sees you in the same negative light. Never mind that the same pattern of behavior applies to him; it's OK because he's a man! I know, hypocrisy galore.
You have no future with this man. You are spoiled goods as far as he's concerned, the tempting apple he should have avoided, the source of many sinful thoughts and actions on his part.
By marissa, 39, from florida:
I became intimate with a male friend approximately two years ago. At that time I had a boyfriend and he pursued me. I had a difficult time leaving my boyfriend because I felt guilty although I was sort of having an increasingly romantic relationship with the person I am talking about now. There were times in the relationship when I had the courage to distance myself from my boyfriend and when I did, then this guy would distance himself from me. I justified it (or he did) assuming that he was under the impression that I had already broken things up and I actually had not and then when I came with the news that I had finally done it he felt that I had not been true with him. Anyway, finally my relationship with my boyfriend died.
This guy and I started seeing each other but not in public. He said we should not let people from church know right away. It has remained this way. We have distanced ourselves from each other on and off. Usually he initiates the on/off switch. I always go through hurt quietly, but leave him alone. Then he comes back and I never mention what happened before or set new expectations that would benefit me. I always think it's going to be different. Recently he initiated wanting to get close to me again and I felt into the same stupid trap. Approximately two weeks and a half ago, while we were again talking and kind of clse, he wanted to meet me after church to spend time with me (By the way, in church he barely talks to me or looks at me when there are other people around).
I told him that I couldn't because I needed to do something else. He told me well, If you change your mind, Ill be there. I left ahead of him and as I was driving I decided to meet him just for a little while where he said. When he showed up I told him that I couldn't stay, but that I felt bad that he would go and not find me there. We talked for a few minutes and he asked me again, "Are you sure you have to go?" I said, "Yes". Well, I left. That night he sent me a funny e-mail message. The following day I called him. When he finally called me he was barely talking and I was having to carry most of the conversation. That night I said to myself, "I've had it." I'm not going to call him again. Well, It's been almost three weeks, as I mentioned earlier, and he has not picked up the phone to call me. I see him in church and try to smile and act normal. About one-week and a half ago. He seemed (but it may just be in my imagination)that he tried to get a little close to me again, but waiting, in a way, for me to initiate an invitation to our usual meeting place. I did not, eventhough it was hard for me. However, I did ask him, "are you mad at me." He said no and I just said bye.
What do you think about all of this? Do you think that he will try to warm-up to me again after this most recent estrangement? I want him to because I really miss him,but I want it to be under my own terms this time. I cannot take it anymore the way that I have allowed him to treat me for so long.
Also, he is the director of one of the music programs in church, which I am one of its members. Should I continue attending this music group making believe that I am not hurting, or should I just stop going?
Look If he would have treated me like a decent person that I am and at least talked to me in church in front of others, even if not as a girlfriend, I might not feel as bad about this. Victor, please help me. Give me lots of insight and enlightment.
In a way I wish that he would come back trying to get back with me and I had the strength to tell him that it's too late. But my brother tells me that I should not even think about this type of "getting back" at someone behavior. He supposedly was my best friend for a few years before this whole nightmare started, which is why it is also so difficult for me. I have so many mixed feelings. And it is so hard to see him week after week in church. And also hard to stop going to this church where I have some activities and friends. I want to be able to smile again and not care about him.
VictorM's advice:
Marissa, everything you say about him suggests he thinks he really shouldn't be with you, that he only is at moments of weakness. You are the forbidden fruit that he should resist all the time but doesn't always. Every time you're together it's a sign that he has failed in his quest to be a better man, hence is desire to stay away from you.
You see yourself as a decent person, but your actions betray that assessment. You have been an unfaithful woman who lacks self-respect: you cheated on your boyfriend with him, you agreed to being his secret lover, you have tolerated his behavior as a way to try to manipulated him into wanting you, and you have engaged in casual sex outside of marriage. I'm sure most of your fellow church goers would have a problem with your pattern of behavior, and I would have to believe he sees you in the same negative light. Never mind that the same pattern of behavior applies to him; it's OK because he's a man! I know, hypocrisy galore.
You have no future with this man. You are spoiled goods as far as he's concerned, the tempting apple he should have avoided, the source of many sinful thoughts and actions on his part.
Comments:
You are not on Ask A Real Guy's Home Page.
Click here to return to Ask A Real Guy's home page where you can submit your own question or read the most recent Questions+Answers.
My suggestion is that you move on. It does not seem that the "relationship" was going anywhere even before it began. No matter the circumstances, you expected more from this so-called "friend," but haven't gotten what you want. You need to dust yourself off and try again...with someone else.
# posted by 
: 1:03 PM
: 1:03 PM
Follow-up comment from Marissa:
Thank you very much for your honesty and your assessment of the "bottom line", which is basically that there is no chance for this relationship to work.
However, I would like to clarify a few things. I admit that I made a mistake when I didn't terminate the relationship with my boyfriend, prior to beginning one with this guy. Basically, it sort of took us both by surprise that we had feelings for each other and I did not know how to handle the situation. But it's true, I went about it the wrong way.
Something else I would like to say is that there has been no casual sex outside of marriage. When we get together what we do is a lot of kissing and he has touched my legs and my breasts over the clothes. That is it. There have been opportunities for more, but I haven't succumbed to it.
Victor, I really like this guy and we were friends. I haven't known how to handle things because I have many mixed feelings based on how much I cared about him as a friend as well as the physical closeness we have had.
You are right. I do feel dirty because I have never been in a situation like this. I hope I can get over it. And I wish that there were a way that he could see, if he does feel the way that you say, that the mistakes that I made were from lack of experience and because I trusted him. Not because I am a Delilah or Jezebel.
Thank you very much for your honesty and your assessment of the "bottom line", which is basically that there is no chance for this relationship to work.
However, I would like to clarify a few things. I admit that I made a mistake when I didn't terminate the relationship with my boyfriend, prior to beginning one with this guy. Basically, it sort of took us both by surprise that we had feelings for each other and I did not know how to handle the situation. But it's true, I went about it the wrong way.
Something else I would like to say is that there has been no casual sex outside of marriage. When we get together what we do is a lot of kissing and he has touched my legs and my breasts over the clothes. That is it. There have been opportunities for more, but I haven't succumbed to it.
Victor, I really like this guy and we were friends. I haven't known how to handle things because I have many mixed feelings based on how much I cared about him as a friend as well as the physical closeness we have had.
You are right. I do feel dirty because I have never been in a situation like this. I hope I can get over it. And I wish that there were a way that he could see, if he does feel the way that you say, that the mistakes that I made were from lack of experience and because I trusted him. Not because I am a Delilah or Jezebel.
When you started your original submission with "I became intimate..." I assumed you meant sex. Thanks for clarifying.
Religion's foundation is guilt. I don't know if you can step away from the jaws of that, but I hope you can.
Yes, you did make a mistake by being intimate while having a boyfriend, but you corrected that by breaking-up with your boyfriend. Kudos to you for that.
You then pursue something with a man you really liked and felt he liked you back. There's no reason to feel dirty about that. I believe the whole going secret, as well as his stronger pursuit of you when you had a boyfriend, should have been tip-offs that his interest in you had boundaries, but again, this is nothing to feel ashamed of.
The whole problem here still is that you care too much about what he thinks. It's normal that you feel this way, but if you want something to work on as far as this whole situation is concerned, is to learn to disassociate where you are and where you need to be from his thoughts about the whole thing.
You made some mistakes, but you made them because you cared about a man. That's no crime and nothing to feel dirty about. His approval or understanding is not necessary. Work on it!
Post a Comment
Religion's foundation is guilt. I don't know if you can step away from the jaws of that, but I hope you can.
Yes, you did make a mistake by being intimate while having a boyfriend, but you corrected that by breaking-up with your boyfriend. Kudos to you for that.
You then pursue something with a man you really liked and felt he liked you back. There's no reason to feel dirty about that. I believe the whole going secret, as well as his stronger pursuit of you when you had a boyfriend, should have been tip-offs that his interest in you had boundaries, but again, this is nothing to feel ashamed of.
The whole problem here still is that you care too much about what he thinks. It's normal that you feel this way, but if you want something to work on as far as this whole situation is concerned, is to learn to disassociate where you are and where you need to be from his thoughts about the whole thing.
You made some mistakes, but you made them because you cared about a man. That's no crime and nothing to feel dirty about. His approval or understanding is not necessary. Work on it!
You are not on Ask A Real Guy's Home Page.
Click here to return to Ask A Real Guy's home page where you can submit your own question or read the most recent Questions+Answers.
