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Monday, June 23, 2008
Alana is back
Submitted on Thursday, June 19, 2008
By Alana, 21:
Okay LAST QUESTION, The girl who DOVE IN, and the girl who asked for advice on the boyfriend.... Something really bad just happened. I don't know how I can deal. It's gonna be pretty long, but here it goes:
for 2 whole straight weeks, he tells me he's been "Busy" with everything. so i visit on a monday, and see a girl's hair tie on his wrist... but i didn't mind... a week later, it's still there?? So i visit again he was trying to have sex with me and started talkin to me about me gettin "attached".. and he said doesn't want me visiting him as much becuz he always wants to have sex and he doesn't wanna "hurt me"......i was suddenly confused because he stated himself we're "together" and has told our friends he is my BOYFRIEND, and i am his GIRLFRIEND.
ANYWAY.... i told him we needed to talk in a quieter place about that "attachment" issue......(cuz the livin room is too noisy)...so then i told him "HIS ROOM" is a good place, he was like "no, there's too much SHIT in there."
and he kept sayin NO NO NO... and i Walked in his room.
And you know what i find??
UNDERWEAR, corsets, women's CLOTHING on his bed. I CRIED and RAN OUT....i was soo hurt.. he chased after me trying to "explain" ... but i didn't wanna hear it.... So, I walk on just crying, and from what I heard, my friends told me that my boyfriend kept goin in and out of the house looking for me. This one stranger let me use his phone to call my girlfriend to get me.... My boyfriend/ex/i don't know overhears the conversation, and DRIVES to my location starts cussin at me telling me that those clothes were his "girl" -friends clothes, and she needed a place to put it because she had no where else to put it, her car broke down.
he was MAD. I was MAD. So.... I yelled at him REAL LOUD that night. i embarassed the FUCK out of him. i said a lot of TRUE SHIT about him, and i didn't give a FUCK. it literally KILLED his ego... that's how BAD I was yelling at him and saying all these things that didn't concern anyone else, just to make up for me being hurt and "freaked out". A lot of people were there to hear it.
Later on that night, he kept calling my cellphone. I didn't answer. Then LATE at night....we talked about what happened THAT NIGHT and tried to fix things....and as for the wrist thing (hairtie) he said he's just used to having a watch or bracelet there, and he found the tie off the ship and started wearing it. then he said "i'm taking it off okay? here, taking off this hair tie that has NO MEANING and throwing it...you feel better now?".... and blah blah blah... He still remains mad at me..... and then TODAY, he tells me we are better off as friends, and he doesn't know if HE can get over this.
And then he left the conversation with this: HE does NOT want me to TALK or LIKE any of "his" friends, anyone he WORKS with, or ANYONE in the navy (he's in the navy by the way).
WHY is this? Since i'm not his girlfriend? He seemed even more pissed off when I said that.
I told him that he's possessive, he said, "God Damn right".
and can you BELIEVE IT?! He told me he doesn't want a relationship for whatever reason, and that if I'm feeling "horny", he'll be there.
He totally and completely changed. What do I do NOW?
VictorM's advice:
What you do NOW is this:
-- You allow yourself some time to feel bad that you have been lied and cheated on;
-- You convince yourself that he's been lying and cheating on you;
-- You find fun things to do with your female friends, you go out to new places, buy new clothes, change your hairstyle... whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself
-- and you spend your energies finding a new guy.
But you won't do that. I know it. How do I know that? Because when he said he doesn't want you going out with certain guys you didn't set his testicles on fire and told him to go fuck himself in the ass with a sharp pencil! Just as your ranting and screaming suggests, you're all bark and no bite. In no time, you'll be kissing his ass, like a worthless girl who is too dependent on her proven asshole boyfriend. You're probably even starting to believe the female clothes really are his friend's.
Or, you could prove me wrong!
By Alana, 21:
Okay LAST QUESTION, The girl who DOVE IN, and the girl who asked for advice on the boyfriend.... Something really bad just happened. I don't know how I can deal. It's gonna be pretty long, but here it goes:
for 2 whole straight weeks, he tells me he's been "Busy" with everything. so i visit on a monday, and see a girl's hair tie on his wrist... but i didn't mind... a week later, it's still there?? So i visit again he was trying to have sex with me and started talkin to me about me gettin "attached".. and he said doesn't want me visiting him as much becuz he always wants to have sex and he doesn't wanna "hurt me"......i was suddenly confused because he stated himself we're "together" and has told our friends he is my BOYFRIEND, and i am his GIRLFRIEND.
ANYWAY.... i told him we needed to talk in a quieter place about that "attachment" issue......(cuz the livin room is too noisy)...so then i told him "HIS ROOM" is a good place, he was like "no, there's too much SHIT in there."
and he kept sayin NO NO NO... and i Walked in his room.
And you know what i find??
UNDERWEAR, corsets, women's CLOTHING on his bed. I CRIED and RAN OUT....i was soo hurt.. he chased after me trying to "explain" ... but i didn't wanna hear it.... So, I walk on just crying, and from what I heard, my friends told me that my boyfriend kept goin in and out of the house looking for me. This one stranger let me use his phone to call my girlfriend to get me.... My boyfriend/ex/i don't know overhears the conversation, and DRIVES to my location starts cussin at me telling me that those clothes were his "girl" -friends clothes, and she needed a place to put it because she had no where else to put it, her car broke down.
he was MAD. I was MAD. So.... I yelled at him REAL LOUD that night. i embarassed the FUCK out of him. i said a lot of TRUE SHIT about him, and i didn't give a FUCK. it literally KILLED his ego... that's how BAD I was yelling at him and saying all these things that didn't concern anyone else, just to make up for me being hurt and "freaked out". A lot of people were there to hear it.
Later on that night, he kept calling my cellphone. I didn't answer. Then LATE at night....we talked about what happened THAT NIGHT and tried to fix things....and as for the wrist thing (hairtie) he said he's just used to having a watch or bracelet there, and he found the tie off the ship and started wearing it. then he said "i'm taking it off okay? here, taking off this hair tie that has NO MEANING and throwing it...you feel better now?".... and blah blah blah... He still remains mad at me..... and then TODAY, he tells me we are better off as friends, and he doesn't know if HE can get over this.
And then he left the conversation with this: HE does NOT want me to TALK or LIKE any of "his" friends, anyone he WORKS with, or ANYONE in the navy (he's in the navy by the way).
WHY is this? Since i'm not his girlfriend? He seemed even more pissed off when I said that.
I told him that he's possessive, he said, "God Damn right".
and can you BELIEVE IT?! He told me he doesn't want a relationship for whatever reason, and that if I'm feeling "horny", he'll be there.
He totally and completely changed. What do I do NOW?
VictorM's advice:
What you do NOW is this:
-- You allow yourself some time to feel bad that you have been lied and cheated on;
-- You convince yourself that he's been lying and cheating on you;
-- You find fun things to do with your female friends, you go out to new places, buy new clothes, change your hairstyle... whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself
-- and you spend your energies finding a new guy.
But you won't do that. I know it. How do I know that? Because when he said he doesn't want you going out with certain guys you didn't set his testicles on fire and told him to go fuck himself in the ass with a sharp pencil! Just as your ranting and screaming suggests, you're all bark and no bite. In no time, you'll be kissing his ass, like a worthless girl who is too dependent on her proven asshole boyfriend. You're probably even starting to believe the female clothes really are his friend's.
Or, you could prove me wrong!
Comments:
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Ouch, a little harsh there Victor! Even if you're right, there's probably a kinder way to state what you're thinking....especially to a girl who's in a very low and vulnerable place at the moment.
# posted by 
: 9:16 PM
: 9:16 PM
Kinder is greatly overrated when it comes to advice.
If Alana is vulnerable right now, what she needs is a kick in the pants, which is what she got from me. She can't fight the kind of stuff she has been dealing with from that asshole boyfriend of hers without getting mad, mad as hell. And if I can help a little in that department, I'd be happy.
If Alana is vulnerable right now, what she needs is a kick in the pants, which is what she got from me. She can't fight the kind of stuff she has been dealing with from that asshole boyfriend of hers without getting mad, mad as hell. And if I can help a little in that department, I'd be happy.
Follow-up comment from Alana:
I know I said last question, but... this is so complicating and I don't know who else to run to.
So I met someone that VERY night I yelled at my ex-bf. This guy is someone who I can talk to for hours on the phone, and we have hung out once to the beach, went to the movies, and have sung rent songs with! He's a really nice guy... I see potential in him. But my ex-bf can not let go of me. He constantly called and texted me while I was with "the other guy" yesterday. I guess my best-girlfriend told him what I was up to. Even recently, (with me not contacting my ex), he calls out of the blue to tell me he found my hair clip? He also called out of the blue just to ask how I'm doing?
He pushed me away in the beginning... what is WRONG with HIM!?
So.. we had a very serious talk last night about us. I am graduating in 2 years with a BA degree in business...and he is leaving somewhere else in 2 years as well because he is in the navy. He also says he doesn't want me to see other guys because he does not want to "lose" me and doesn't want to risk me getting hurt by seeing other guys (he doesn't trust the other guys, I suppose). I told him, "If I wanted to date other guys...what would you do?" He said he would cause a scene and beat the living crap out of that guy... and if I "DO" move on completely, he doesn't think he can be friends with me.
He also confessed his blunt/honest thoughts and FEELINGS for me. (which is NOT LIKE HIM TO DO THAT!) He CLEARLY stated that he has feelings for me. And he had the NERVE to tell me I'm dramatic and that I am always MAD with him?? (Wow! After thinking about that..yes. I actually do get mad at him all the time. I don't know if I nag, but that's a different story) We both talked about how we had relationships that were shitty in the past. He has an emotional wall/guard up, but does not want to stop going with me. I told him that I had ACCEPTED the fact that he does not WANT US to be official (commitment/relationship), and that I am LETTING GO OF HIM because it is the SMART thing to do for MYSELF. Again, HE does not want me to let go, and asked that I don't.
He asked that we still stick together, hang out/chill, have sex, etc. for the 2 years we have left, and afterwards, we cacn worry about our "seriousness". I told him that was a deal of SUICIDE for me and explained that I feel like I'm hanging on a string. He says it's like being on "stand-by". Sort of like...(his words) "a place/house that you stay in after getting out of prison... they either have to decide whether you go BACK in the cell, or if you can spread your wings and be free."
(I don't like that though... Either you are in PRISON or you AREN'T)
He's so persistent, Victor! He says he has never tried this before with anyone, and would like to try that with me. I asked him, "So what if YOU have sex with someone else? What if you develop feelings for someone else? Then that means I don't have a SAY in it, because I am not your girlfriend." He said, "That won't happen. I don't want to see anyone else, and you DO have a right to say something, just like I will have."
I told him that this "deal/offer" has openings! It's UNSAFE. I told him I want to BE and FEEL safe. He said, "Well, that's why we're putting plugs on them. You can still be and feel safe with me."
So I assumed he was uncomfortable with a "title", and asked him that. He said "it's not that..."
I also remember him talking about, "I stole your heart" I said sternly, "Well, can you give it back?" He said, "No...." that was followed by (his words) "It will be like this... even though we're not 'official', you are mine and I am yours. We won't see anyone else." I asked him, "What a guy asks me if I'm taken then?"
His response: "Tell him it's none of his business and to fuck off. Simple. Look, I like you, I do care about you, I like being around you, I'm happy with you, but I'm not ready for a relationship, and YOU aren't ready for a relationship either. Both of us can't risk geting hurt. I don't want to get hurt, and I know you don't either. Stop trying to grow up so fast and find Mr. Right and just act the age that you are."
We then talked about "if we REALLY KNEW eachother." I know so much about him..and surprisingly... he knows every little detail about me... from the way I dress, what I like, what I don't like, what my favorite color is, how I behave, how I talk..etc. We talked about our futures. He asked where I'd like to live, what I'd do as my job... I told him I want to travel, he wants the same thing. He said he does want to settle down in the future, get married, have kids, get a really good job, etc.
I WANT a commitment... I WANT a relationship... I WON'T settle for less. The things he said sound like... that's ALREADY a freakin relationship! Why is he saying he doesn't want to be "official"!? I'm so CONFUSED Victor! I DO have feelings for him, but I don't want to hang on to something that I don't really have.
HELP ME.. PLEASE.
I know I said last question, but... this is so complicating and I don't know who else to run to.
So I met someone that VERY night I yelled at my ex-bf. This guy is someone who I can talk to for hours on the phone, and we have hung out once to the beach, went to the movies, and have sung rent songs with! He's a really nice guy... I see potential in him. But my ex-bf can not let go of me. He constantly called and texted me while I was with "the other guy" yesterday. I guess my best-girlfriend told him what I was up to. Even recently, (with me not contacting my ex), he calls out of the blue to tell me he found my hair clip? He also called out of the blue just to ask how I'm doing?
He pushed me away in the beginning... what is WRONG with HIM!?
So.. we had a very serious talk last night about us. I am graduating in 2 years with a BA degree in business...and he is leaving somewhere else in 2 years as well because he is in the navy. He also says he doesn't want me to see other guys because he does not want to "lose" me and doesn't want to risk me getting hurt by seeing other guys (he doesn't trust the other guys, I suppose). I told him, "If I wanted to date other guys...what would you do?" He said he would cause a scene and beat the living crap out of that guy... and if I "DO" move on completely, he doesn't think he can be friends with me.
He also confessed his blunt/honest thoughts and FEELINGS for me. (which is NOT LIKE HIM TO DO THAT!) He CLEARLY stated that he has feelings for me. And he had the NERVE to tell me I'm dramatic and that I am always MAD with him?? (Wow! After thinking about that..yes. I actually do get mad at him all the time. I don't know if I nag, but that's a different story) We both talked about how we had relationships that were shitty in the past. He has an emotional wall/guard up, but does not want to stop going with me. I told him that I had ACCEPTED the fact that he does not WANT US to be official (commitment/relationship), and that I am LETTING GO OF HIM because it is the SMART thing to do for MYSELF. Again, HE does not want me to let go, and asked that I don't.
He asked that we still stick together, hang out/chill, have sex, etc. for the 2 years we have left, and afterwards, we cacn worry about our "seriousness". I told him that was a deal of SUICIDE for me and explained that I feel like I'm hanging on a string. He says it's like being on "stand-by". Sort of like...(his words) "a place/house that you stay in after getting out of prison... they either have to decide whether you go BACK in the cell, or if you can spread your wings and be free."
(I don't like that though... Either you are in PRISON or you AREN'T)
He's so persistent, Victor! He says he has never tried this before with anyone, and would like to try that with me. I asked him, "So what if YOU have sex with someone else? What if you develop feelings for someone else? Then that means I don't have a SAY in it, because I am not your girlfriend." He said, "That won't happen. I don't want to see anyone else, and you DO have a right to say something, just like I will have."
I told him that this "deal/offer" has openings! It's UNSAFE. I told him I want to BE and FEEL safe. He said, "Well, that's why we're putting plugs on them. You can still be and feel safe with me."
So I assumed he was uncomfortable with a "title", and asked him that. He said "it's not that..."
I also remember him talking about, "I stole your heart" I said sternly, "Well, can you give it back?" He said, "No...." that was followed by (his words) "It will be like this... even though we're not 'official', you are mine and I am yours. We won't see anyone else." I asked him, "What a guy asks me if I'm taken then?"
His response: "Tell him it's none of his business and to fuck off. Simple. Look, I like you, I do care about you, I like being around you, I'm happy with you, but I'm not ready for a relationship, and YOU aren't ready for a relationship either. Both of us can't risk geting hurt. I don't want to get hurt, and I know you don't either. Stop trying to grow up so fast and find Mr. Right and just act the age that you are."
We then talked about "if we REALLY KNEW eachother." I know so much about him..and surprisingly... he knows every little detail about me... from the way I dress, what I like, what I don't like, what my favorite color is, how I behave, how I talk..etc. We talked about our futures. He asked where I'd like to live, what I'd do as my job... I told him I want to travel, he wants the same thing. He said he does want to settle down in the future, get married, have kids, get a really good job, etc.
I WANT a commitment... I WANT a relationship... I WON'T settle for less. The things he said sound like... that's ALREADY a freakin relationship! Why is he saying he doesn't want to be "official"!? I'm so CONFUSED Victor! I DO have feelings for him, but I don't want to hang on to something that I don't really have.
HELP ME.. PLEASE.
Alana,
Feel free to ask as many questions as you want.
Your boyfriend isn't exhibiting love or desire for you; what dominates his actions is control. Your boyfriend is a control freak. Whether you're his girlfriend or not, he still wants to control aspects of your life. Don't confuse control with caring or loving; in fact, it's quite the opposite.
I know that you say: "I WANT a commitment... I WANT a relationship... I WON'T settle for less" but Alana, I assume you also want to be happy. If that's so, it won't happen with this guy. He will suck the life out of you.
He doesn't want to be official because everything else he says he says it just to control you.
WALK AWAY from this jerk Alana.
Feel free to ask as many questions as you want.
Your boyfriend isn't exhibiting love or desire for you; what dominates his actions is control. Your boyfriend is a control freak. Whether you're his girlfriend or not, he still wants to control aspects of your life. Don't confuse control with caring or loving; in fact, it's quite the opposite.
I know that you say: "I WANT a commitment... I WANT a relationship... I WON'T settle for less" but Alana, I assume you also want to be happy. If that's so, it won't happen with this guy. He will suck the life out of you.
He doesn't want to be official because everything else he says he says it just to control you.
WALK AWAY from this jerk Alana.
VICTOR THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I was talking to someone about this, and he said that "He is talking a lot of rubbish...sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too... 2 years is too long for you to wait and for him to decide whether you are serious or not.
the other guy sounds a better man.... he should be left hanging out to dry... go for the other guy."
I just sent a text message to him.. I told him i want to be just FRIENDS with him, nothing more and nothing less than that. I also said "no hard feelings k? no more being mad/possessive, no more drama"
THANK YOU SO MUCH VICTOR!!! I feel a lot better... everything is a lot clearer now..thank you so so so much!!!
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the other guy sounds a better man.... he should be left hanging out to dry... go for the other guy."
I just sent a text message to him.. I told him i want to be just FRIENDS with him, nothing more and nothing less than that. I also said "no hard feelings k? no more being mad/possessive, no more drama"
THANK YOU SO MUCH VICTOR!!! I feel a lot better... everything is a lot clearer now..thank you so so so much!!!
# posted by : 7:53 AM
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