|
Our discussion forum is open for business. Come say hello. |
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Taking a step back
Submitted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By Sandra, 31, from Los Angeles:
I met a guy online in Aug and we wrote back and forth. We met in person in January and our first date lasted 21 hours. It was very intense from the start and lasted that way about 4 months. Along the way I have learned he is a workaholic and is also overwhelmed with the amount of work that has been put on his plate.
He lives an hour away (without traffic) so we don't see each other during the week. He works 6 days a week, so if he has other plans on a Saturday, it means we go 2 weeks without seeing each other. This has made me upset and I think it makes him feel more stressed out that I get upset about how little we see each other. He has asked to take a step back and at first I thought he meant breaking up. I asked him if he was looking for a way out, and he said no. So, now I have accepted taking a step back - kind of like dating because we skipped that step and went straight to being bf and gf.
The sex is amazing, we get along great, we have so much fun when we're together, we're highly attracted to each other and share many interests and values. I told him I was afraid I wasn't enough for him - that maybe there's a girl out there that would make him feel that commitment that would pull him away from work and give the relationship more time. But he said that I was what he's looking for, beautiful, intelligent, worldly perspective, etc. I feel that he does want us to have a chance, but work is his priority and wonder if that will ever change. He's 27.
Now, I have some questions - if we're taking a step back, do I withhold sex a bit to make him miss me/ want me more again? Do I let him do all the calling like I did the first month after we met? How long should I stay in this dating stage, especially considering we've already experienced such intensity beforehand? Do you think we can move past this and establish a stable relationship? Is he just hanging onto me because I'm a sure thing?
Some enlightenment would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Sandra
VictorM's advice:
I have a question of my own. What will taking a step back accomplish? He's still a workaholic and you're still not seeing him as much as you'd like. So I just don't see the point.
You also seem to be very lackadaisical about him being a workaholic. Do you realize how terrible to a relationship that can be? If he's this way during the early stages of the courtship, what do you think will happen later?
Anyway... on to answering your question:
If you're stepping back to a dating only situation, you should behave accordingly. Would you have sex with such a guy? I don't think you should have/not have sex as a ploy to get him to miss you -- that really doesn't work anyway. You should behave based on your value system.
I believe that going back to dating accomplishes nothing so I can't say how long you should stay in that mode because frankly, I don't think you should be in that mode. You should be in the mode of either understanding the situation and trying to make it work, or you should move on.
I don't believe you can establish a good relationship because you're basically saying that it's OK for his work to take priority over you. That just spells disaster in the long run. Besides, I really do believe that taking a step back is just a way of taking a step away.
He's not hanging on to you because you're a sure thing; he's going along because he doesn't want to make you cry and come across as the bad guy. Sure, he's likely to take the sex if it's on the table, but if sex is all he wanted he wouldn't be taking a step back. I think between the two of you he's the only one seeing the futility of your predicament, he just lacks the courage to say it straight out.
By Sandra, 31, from Los Angeles:
I met a guy online in Aug and we wrote back and forth. We met in person in January and our first date lasted 21 hours. It was very intense from the start and lasted that way about 4 months. Along the way I have learned he is a workaholic and is also overwhelmed with the amount of work that has been put on his plate.
He lives an hour away (without traffic) so we don't see each other during the week. He works 6 days a week, so if he has other plans on a Saturday, it means we go 2 weeks without seeing each other. This has made me upset and I think it makes him feel more stressed out that I get upset about how little we see each other. He has asked to take a step back and at first I thought he meant breaking up. I asked him if he was looking for a way out, and he said no. So, now I have accepted taking a step back - kind of like dating because we skipped that step and went straight to being bf and gf.
The sex is amazing, we get along great, we have so much fun when we're together, we're highly attracted to each other and share many interests and values. I told him I was afraid I wasn't enough for him - that maybe there's a girl out there that would make him feel that commitment that would pull him away from work and give the relationship more time. But he said that I was what he's looking for, beautiful, intelligent, worldly perspective, etc. I feel that he does want us to have a chance, but work is his priority and wonder if that will ever change. He's 27.
Now, I have some questions - if we're taking a step back, do I withhold sex a bit to make him miss me/ want me more again? Do I let him do all the calling like I did the first month after we met? How long should I stay in this dating stage, especially considering we've already experienced such intensity beforehand? Do you think we can move past this and establish a stable relationship? Is he just hanging onto me because I'm a sure thing?
Some enlightenment would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Sandra
VictorM's advice:
I have a question of my own. What will taking a step back accomplish? He's still a workaholic and you're still not seeing him as much as you'd like. So I just don't see the point.
You also seem to be very lackadaisical about him being a workaholic. Do you realize how terrible to a relationship that can be? If he's this way during the early stages of the courtship, what do you think will happen later?
Anyway... on to answering your question:
If you're stepping back to a dating only situation, you should behave accordingly. Would you have sex with such a guy? I don't think you should have/not have sex as a ploy to get him to miss you -- that really doesn't work anyway. You should behave based on your value system.
I believe that going back to dating accomplishes nothing so I can't say how long you should stay in that mode because frankly, I don't think you should be in that mode. You should be in the mode of either understanding the situation and trying to make it work, or you should move on.
I don't believe you can establish a good relationship because you're basically saying that it's OK for his work to take priority over you. That just spells disaster in the long run. Besides, I really do believe that taking a step back is just a way of taking a step away.
He's not hanging on to you because you're a sure thing; he's going along because he doesn't want to make you cry and come across as the bad guy. Sure, he's likely to take the sex if it's on the table, but if sex is all he wanted he wouldn't be taking a step back. I think between the two of you he's the only one seeing the futility of your predicament, he just lacks the courage to say it straight out.
Comments:
You are not on Ask A Real Guy's Home Page.
Click here to return to Ask A Real Guy's home page where you can submit your own question or read the most recent Questions+Answers.
Ladies, never never EVER use sex as a bargaining chip. Withholding sex when you're in a serious relationship with someone is like saying to that other person that the sex really doesn't mean that much to you.
And as to the workaholic thing? He's not even 30 years old yet. It's not a bad thing that he wants to do well in his profession. That means a lot more to guys than it does to most women. It signifies their place in the world and gives them meaning. Unless he's a lawyer, the work thing will probably cool down after awhile.
Your big question is: do you want to be in a relationship with someone who cannot (will not?) put the same amount of time and energy into the relationship that you can (will?) How much are you willing to compromise?
There are ways to make you feel closer in a long-distance relationship -- which is essentially what you have. Texts during the day, a quick email at lunch, small things, little things that add up over time.
Victor's right. If you both are willing to work on this and find places of compromise, then hell yeah, give it a shot. But you have got to back off the worry and anxiety. It will only push him away. Be happy that you get to see him once a week or twice a week. A lot of couples aren't so lucky. Look at it as glass half full, not half empty. Surely you have other things in your life that fill the void. Is he the only thing that proves your existence in the world?
And as to the workaholic thing? He's not even 30 years old yet. It's not a bad thing that he wants to do well in his profession. That means a lot more to guys than it does to most women. It signifies their place in the world and gives them meaning. Unless he's a lawyer, the work thing will probably cool down after awhile.
Your big question is: do you want to be in a relationship with someone who cannot (will not?) put the same amount of time and energy into the relationship that you can (will?) How much are you willing to compromise?
There are ways to make you feel closer in a long-distance relationship -- which is essentially what you have. Texts during the day, a quick email at lunch, small things, little things that add up over time.
Victor's right. If you both are willing to work on this and find places of compromise, then hell yeah, give it a shot. But you have got to back off the worry and anxiety. It will only push him away. Be happy that you get to see him once a week or twice a week. A lot of couples aren't so lucky. Look at it as glass half full, not half empty. Surely you have other things in your life that fill the void. Is he the only thing that proves your existence in the world?
# posted by 
: 3:35 PM
: 3:35 PM
Actually, my life is very full and part of what had me being able to accept taking a step back is that I will no longer be saving my Saturday for him, but be able to make plans and keep it as filled up as the rest of my week.
Maybe it's not what I want in the long-run, but I just like him so much that I don't want to accept the futility of it just yet.
Thanks, Victor for your insight.
Post a Comment
Maybe it's not what I want in the long-run, but I just like him so much that I don't want to accept the futility of it just yet.
Thanks, Victor for your insight.
# posted by : 7:16 PM
: 7:16 PM You are not on Ask A Real Guy's Home Page.
Click here to return to Ask A Real Guy's home page where you can submit your own question or read the most recent Questions+Answers.
