Thursday, May 29, 2008
A pattern that I have noticed with guys
Submitted on Monday, May 26, 2008
By Lia, 27, from Texas:
This is a pattern that I have noticed with guys and I wondered what an outsiders un-biased opinion would be about it...There are 2 or 3 guys that I date very casually...not exclusively or anything...just seeing where things go and having fun with it. With all three of these guys, I have experienced the following...They will call/message or text me asking to hang out...Generally it's phrased as "So when do I get to see you again?" or something similar. This implies some level an interest in me, otherwise why would you ask to see me, right? But the thing is...if I say "I'm busy this weekend, how about the FOLLOWING weekend..." (i do have a life outside of them, after all!)...they almost always (all 3 of them and other guys I have dated in the past as well)...say "Ok...let's talk about it as that time nears closer then..." WHY do guys refuse to plan more than a few days in advance???...now one of my guesses is that...perhaps like myself they are also dating others casually. But still...it seems slightly offensive to pose the interest then back off slightly if I am not IMMEDIATELY available for them...they do usually get back to me, but still...I am often left with the negative feeling that perhaps they think something better is going to arise in the meantime...so that waiting a week isn't worth their time...well, and that just feels crummy...LOL. What do you make of it?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're right that they too may be casually dating and their lives don't revolve around you, and that they could be open to the possibility that something better is going to come along.
I would also include that one possibility is that guys don't like to seem desperate. Locking in a date so far in advance would signal that they have no other options. Some guys see that as a sign of weakness.
Lastly, don't discount that you are attracted to guys who share similar personality traits. That is, your guys aren't representative of all males, only of those that you attract. What I'm saying is that they are a reflection of your own flawed dating selection abilities.
How do you like them apples, huh? :)
By Lia, 27, from Texas:
This is a pattern that I have noticed with guys and I wondered what an outsiders un-biased opinion would be about it...There are 2 or 3 guys that I date very casually...not exclusively or anything...just seeing where things go and having fun with it. With all three of these guys, I have experienced the following...They will call/message or text me asking to hang out...Generally it's phrased as "So when do I get to see you again?" or something similar. This implies some level an interest in me, otherwise why would you ask to see me, right? But the thing is...if I say "I'm busy this weekend, how about the FOLLOWING weekend..." (i do have a life outside of them, after all!)...they almost always (all 3 of them and other guys I have dated in the past as well)...say "Ok...let's talk about it as that time nears closer then..." WHY do guys refuse to plan more than a few days in advance???...now one of my guesses is that...perhaps like myself they are also dating others casually. But still...it seems slightly offensive to pose the interest then back off slightly if I am not IMMEDIATELY available for them...they do usually get back to me, but still...I am often left with the negative feeling that perhaps they think something better is going to arise in the meantime...so that waiting a week isn't worth their time...well, and that just feels crummy...LOL. What do you make of it?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're right that they too may be casually dating and their lives don't revolve around you, and that they could be open to the possibility that something better is going to come along.
I would also include that one possibility is that guys don't like to seem desperate. Locking in a date so far in advance would signal that they have no other options. Some guys see that as a sign of weakness.
Lastly, don't discount that you are attracted to guys who share similar personality traits. That is, your guys aren't representative of all males, only of those that you attract. What I'm saying is that they are a reflection of your own flawed dating selection abilities.
How do you like them apples, huh? :)
Comments:
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Yeah, Lia, it might feel pretty crummy to them for you to put them off until the next weekend. So even if they have absolutely nothing else to do they will say "we'll talk about it" so they won't lose face. Because basically you're telling them "no, not right now." It's a huge ego deflater no matter what the situation. Guys don't like to hear the word "no." In many ways, as far as relationships go, guys are more impulsive whereas we ladies can plan dates weeks in advance, what shoes we'll wear, how we'll dress, etc etc. Guys just know they want to go out NOW.
# posted by 
: 3:52 PM
: 3:52 PM
LOL...that's demented! Sorry, but if a guy can't handle the fact that NOT EVERY WEEKEND OF MY LIFE IS FREE FOR THEM without their
"egos deflating hugely"...thats their own problem, not mine...LOL...I have a life and I want my men to have lives too...do they want a lady who is just sitting around desperate for their company? Don't they want to date a girl with friends who isn't so dependant on them??? If I am not available for the day they suggest, then it makes sense they could pull the same when I say "next weekend"...by telling me that THAT doesn't work for them...But they could just suggest another day or whatever....I forgot to mention that I have been dating each of these guys for at LEAST a min of 6 months casually...we all know each other well enough not to be so offended...obviously I like them all so they're awfully sensitive if thats all it takes to make them feel rejected...How the Fu** do u feel rejected by a girl whos been investing her time in you for at least 6 months? Come on get real...I might not want a serious relationship with all of them, but clearly I am attracted to each. If thats all it takes to offend them, I might start looking for guys who posess more confidance and self-assurance...Not really interested in a guy who is dependant or desperate
"egos deflating hugely"...thats their own problem, not mine...LOL...I have a life and I want my men to have lives too...do they want a lady who is just sitting around desperate for their company? Don't they want to date a girl with friends who isn't so dependant on them??? If I am not available for the day they suggest, then it makes sense they could pull the same when I say "next weekend"...by telling me that THAT doesn't work for them...But they could just suggest another day or whatever....I forgot to mention that I have been dating each of these guys for at LEAST a min of 6 months casually...we all know each other well enough not to be so offended...obviously I like them all so they're awfully sensitive if thats all it takes to make them feel rejected...How the Fu** do u feel rejected by a girl whos been investing her time in you for at least 6 months? Come on get real...I might not want a serious relationship with all of them, but clearly I am attracted to each. If thats all it takes to offend them, I might start looking for guys who posess more confidance and self-assurance...Not really interested in a guy who is dependant or desperate
# posted by : 6:38 PM
: 6:38 PM
Also I personally would never assume that because a guy is able to make plans in advance, that it means he has no other options...My initial reaction to a guy who will plan far in advance with me is....
"He must be one of those guys who makes his plans last minute with people." I know many people who dont know what they're doing that night UNTIL THAT NIGHT, when their friend calls them up like "Party at Stacy's tonite, you should come"...or "We're all going to this movie at 5 wanna meet us there?" so i have never PERSONALLY though planning advance implied no life or other options...maybe others do, i never have thought that way....
"He must be one of those guys who makes his plans last minute with people." I know many people who dont know what they're doing that night UNTIL THAT NIGHT, when their friend calls them up like "Party at Stacy's tonite, you should come"...or "We're all going to this movie at 5 wanna meet us there?" so i have never PERSONALLY though planning advance implied no life or other options...maybe others do, i never have thought that way....
# posted by : 6:51 PM
: 6:51 PM
It's not about being dependent or desperate, sugarpie. I'm just saying that guys want what they want when they want it. They can be like children in this respect. If you're gonna juggle several guys successfully, you gotta take the responsibility for understanding how their little minds work and not be offended when they act the way they do. ALL relationships involve compromise. So don't be getting on your high horse with me. I'm on YOUR side! LOL
# posted by : 7:13 PM
: 7:13 PM
haha! don't be offended at my tone...im known 4 being, well, not a bitch,but...full of attitude, i guess.i also have issues being wrong haha, so if your comments arent exactly what i hope for, lol,i can get bratty. ha, i paint a lovely image of myself dontchya think?! anyhoo.....whatevs, lol...haha...it hasnt stopped 3 guys plus friends from fighting for my attention....;-) but really tho thanks for your male perspective...well, i assume you are a male, anyhow.....
# posted by : 8:45 PM
: 8:45 PM
Sometimes I do wear the pants, yes. LOL
Seriously though, just keep having fun. You are a rare girl that doesn't wish to settle in on one guy just yet. It takes stamina to put up with more than one, that's for sure.
Seriously though, just keep having fun. You are a rare girl that doesn't wish to settle in on one guy just yet. It takes stamina to put up with more than one, that's for sure.
# posted by : 9:13 PM
: 9:13 PM
Well, I would like to be exclusive with a guy, but I refuse to settle until I find a guy that I have very strong feelings for. And I think part of the problem is that I don't quite know how to even if I wanted. I just met another guy last night and was into him, he asked me out...I said sure and we're planning that. I think I have so many options that I don't know how to choose just one of them without hurting their feelings or missing the others. Like one of the guys I date is not my type physically, but he's really good at making me laugh and making me feel special..Then there's this other one who's really hot, but not as sweet. And lol...is this weird? It almost is like I'm combining guys to get everything I would hope from ONE guy...but I'm getting different things from different guys bc i haven't found one guy yet that posesses it all.....There's the smart guy, the hot guy, the really affectionate one, the funny one....etc. But not all in one package....
# posted by : 12:43 PM
: 12:43 PM
Makes perfect sense to me! I completely understand your situation. Each guy does something a little different for you.
And while our society pushes us to only "pick one," no one person can be your be all, end all everything to you. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone. All that soul mate stuff is utter crap. If you want to find a mate - one other - to share your life with at some point, then you'll have to make the crucial decision as to which qualities are most important to you long term. Or find someone who is ok with "alternative lifestyles" such as swinging. LOL
Have fun while you can. Enjoy being with these guys, each of whom fulfills you in different ways. There's plenty of time for serious stuff later on in life. You're a very lucky girl. :)
And while our society pushes us to only "pick one," no one person can be your be all, end all everything to you. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone. All that soul mate stuff is utter crap. If you want to find a mate - one other - to share your life with at some point, then you'll have to make the crucial decision as to which qualities are most important to you long term. Or find someone who is ok with "alternative lifestyles" such as swinging. LOL
Have fun while you can. Enjoy being with these guys, each of whom fulfills you in different ways. There's plenty of time for serious stuff later on in life. You're a very lucky girl. :)
# posted by : 9:50 PM
: 9:50 PM
Yeah, I think that's what it is..There's no rush...I'm in my
20's (I mean, I'm into the 2nd half of them but still...not 30 yet!) and I just feel like if i don't put pressure on it, it's more fun. I don't want to force something so just try to enjoy it while i can. I know so many girls who have deadlines...such as to be married by the time they are 30..and I refuse to do that. I feel like once I meet someone who is right for me, I will settle with out a problem. As for the priorities...I would much rather date a guy for personality than looks...I have been known to date guys that others say (physically)..."You could do a lot better."...In other words past boyfriends have not been ugly...but not the type of guy that most girls would look at and think "Damn...he's hot." One of them people told me was weird looking, LOL..but I really had a great thing going with him for a while...I think the looks aspect is semi important as you dont want to be physically repulsed by the person you're being intimate with...but it's not the most important thing...In fact...some the most attractive guys that I have dated, are (coincidentally of course) the ones i have the worst memories of.
20's (I mean, I'm into the 2nd half of them but still...not 30 yet!) and I just feel like if i don't put pressure on it, it's more fun. I don't want to force something so just try to enjoy it while i can. I know so many girls who have deadlines...such as to be married by the time they are 30..and I refuse to do that. I feel like once I meet someone who is right for me, I will settle with out a problem. As for the priorities...I would much rather date a guy for personality than looks...I have been known to date guys that others say (physically)..."You could do a lot better."...In other words past boyfriends have not been ugly...but not the type of guy that most girls would look at and think "Damn...he's hot." One of them people told me was weird looking, LOL..but I really had a great thing going with him for a while...I think the looks aspect is semi important as you dont want to be physically repulsed by the person you're being intimate with...but it's not the most important thing...In fact...some the most attractive guys that I have dated, are (coincidentally of course) the ones i have the worst memories of.
# posted by : 1:59 PM
: 1:59 PM
Yeah, pretty boys are problematic. Why do you think so many supermodels marry guys who are weird looking? LOL
Well, those guys are usually rich musicians, but still. You gotta know their personalities are much better developed than that of any Aberzombie boy. ;)
Go for 30% looks, 70% personality. That's my personal preference.
Well, those guys are usually rich musicians, but still. You gotta know their personalities are much better developed than that of any Aberzombie boy. ;)
Go for 30% looks, 70% personality. That's my personal preference.
# posted by : 1:14 AM
: 1:14 AM
Um, Lia, it sounds like you already are settling. You're wasting your time and energy on three guys that aren't the package deal (for 6 months and they can't commit to a week away date??) when you could be in a steady committed relationship with someone who completely fulfills you. It sounds to me like you are lonely and compensating by having empty relationships that will never really turn into anything. I would understand if you weren't ever looking to find "the one," but since it sounds like you are, it sounds a little counterproductive investing time in something that doesn't have much potential when you should be holding out for Mr. Right. A lot of male players with intimacy issues date several chicks to equate to one ideal lady, so that they can avoid a real relationship and soften the blow if it doesn't work out. These guys don't realize they are cheating themselves and missing out on real love.
By the way, the guys must not be all that into you. I'm a busy girl and I've never had a situation where a guy isn't willing to reschedule weeks in advance. They jump at the shot to hang. So, maybe it isn't the guys' insecurity issue, but their level of interest (or lack of) and desire to keep their options open.
Peace
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By the way, the guys must not be all that into you. I'm a busy girl and I've never had a situation where a guy isn't willing to reschedule weeks in advance. They jump at the shot to hang. So, maybe it isn't the guys' insecurity issue, but their level of interest (or lack of) and desire to keep their options open.
Peace
# posted by : 3:47 AM
: 3:47 AM You are not on Ask A Real Guy's Home Page.
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