Submitted on Saturday, May 10, 2008
By Helen, 18, from Nyc:

First off I would like to, with all my heart, thank you for your time in giving true advice (what you do is immensely honorable). I would really appreciate your help with this situation that I currently find myself in, for I lack experience and therefore don't know how to approach this in the correct way. So I've never had a relationship before and have always just dated (even if its months on end with the same person). In the end of March I met this guy at an auto show whom was friends with a friend of a friend(its a group of college buddies really). We all go to the same university but he is a junior and i am a freshman. He is Tibetan and he is proud of his culture and truly supports his country. Anyways we met that day and as a group of seven people we decided to go have lunch and then we went to this candlelight gathering in a movement to raise awareness to Free Tibet. Well afterwards we all agreed to go play some pool at our universities hall and him and I went to buy a couple of beers for our group. He drank a bit that night and well nothing much happened other than we held hands and he seemed he was pretty much interested in me. I don't know much about the Asian culture but soon learned that they tend to be reserved. Anyways since that time we have had dates and all month of April we were getting really close and intimate. Then just last week he kindof stopped texting and calling and at first I was worried that something happened but then again we were starting Finals week so I just thought that maybe he was very busy preparing for finals. We didn't speak AT ALL for about four days and I admit that I was pretty heartbroken...I am a proud individual and if he was pulling the "i am no longer interested in you..therefore I will not be calling anymore so you will get the message", then I acted the same way back. This tuesday one of my closest friends had lunch with him (since she is also a friend of his) and throughout the whole lunch he spoke about me and what he "had"/ "Are". So he said:

1. That because I'm not Tibetan, he thinks that he is wasting my time for he could NEVER introduce me to his family (I'm white)
2. He thinks that I want a relationship and he's never had one so he is confused as to what to do for he is a guy that constantly thinks of the future and building himself up for it.and therefore he doesn't know how I would fit into the puzzle of his life (for the record I just want to see him..I don't mind not being introduced to his family..just to be what we were)
3. He told my friend not to share what he was telling her to me for he WILL call me and talk to me for he told her he knows that by not calling its rude and he knows it's bad on his part.

So when she told me all of this I texted him the following day in the morning asking how he was and just nicely put saying that I'm confused as to what is going on and I would just really like to talk to him. It was finals week so he was quite busy and kept making ambiguous plans to meet and then later would cancel for he wouldn't be available at the time he thought he would be. So after three times of hoping to talk to him and then him canceling I stopped all further communication. I really really do like him and I have NEVER felt this way for a guy before..and he truly is a good guy..and I'm not just saying this because I truly know the difference. He truly shows his feelings to me in private and I could tell he like me. He is a gentleman in every way and form to not just me but to women in general but then he does this and I feel like I was fooled. He called yesterday and I picked up because I just need to hear what he wants to say (For the first time I actualy opened up myself to someone (him) and ended up getting really hurt so I just truly wanted some sort of closure). He asked how have I been and if I was busy at the moment for he was at the university then (and I dorm..so it was possible for us to meet). I lied and said I was not around...if I saw him in person I might have broken down in tears (I wasn't ready to see him) and so he asked me when I'm leaving to miami (for I'm visiting my family there fore two weeks) and I said monday. He was surprised that I was leaving so soon and he said he would have liked to see me before I left. My friend was in the room and she said to say I was busy and to say that "I guess I could see you when I get back". I was surprised at how composed/ normal I sounded and I made myself sound as if I hadn't at all thought of him and had gone on with life as normal. We ended on that term..I had asked him if everything was okay twice and he said yes, but then I was like "are you sure?" and he once again avoided to have such a conversation like that on the phone. Anyways I though we left on okay terms. But throughout the whole day I thought of it more and more and before I leave to miami I would like to text him something nice and I put it out there that I WOULD like to see him when I get back. I really like him and I know he likes me too but the culture thing seems to be a barrier for him...what should I do now? I don't want to lose him..is there anything I could do to attempt to patch things up? Please please help me with this situation...I am really hurt right now and very saddened by all of this :( . Thank you once again.

VictorM's advice:

zzzzzzzz... huh? what? Oh yeah...

You suffer from the western world myopic illness of only seeing the world from one perspective: your own. And this case, the implication that love is all you need. But other cultures place value in many other things and are no more willing to give them up for a partner than you would marry a rapist or a serial killer just because you love him.

Your closure comes from forgetting the bullshit that comes with fairly tales and romance novels and accepting the values he lives by. You may not like them, it may make you unhappy, but that should be enough to provide closure. Being "in love" is not a requirement in many cultures.

Now, I'm not saying you should give up. After all, if he is going to live in the western world, he will have to adapt to it to some extent. If he's not willing to do that relative to a partner, even if somehow you wound up together, I doubt you would be a happy woman. If he's not willing to be with you on western terms, you don't have a future.