Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By HKB, 40, from Ohio:

I have been dating this guy for a year and a half. While things are fairly serious, we both love each other, I am part of his daughters life & he is a part of my children's life and we have taken "family vacations" together (my kids and his daugther), there are a few things missing. At this point there are no plans for marriage or moving in - location and children do not allow for it right now, so we make the best of it and see each other whenever we can. While this is frustrating I have learned to accept our situation. However, the one area of his life he does not let me in is with his family (parents and siblings) I have met them all once at Christmas this past year, and have met his one brother on several occasions when we have to stop off at this house for one thing or another. But other then that, birthday celebrations, his family vacations and other holidays I have not been invited to. He seems to always have an excuse, "I thought you would have the kids", "I did not think you had any vacation left" and " I did not think you would want to" are examples of why he says has not included me. Should I be concerned that I am not included in this part of his life? I recently had a long conversation about this with him and he really did not have a lot of answers. Just a lot of excuses again. He did admit he was uncomfortable in certain situations with me as his girlfriend and being around his ex and other family members. He has been divorced now for 4 years and obviously has some issues in allowing someone into his complete life, just not sure how long I can handle not be included. I was hoping you could shed some light on his thinking or give me any advice how I should be reacting to not being included.

VictorM's advice:

It is possible that the it is the family that is not ready to accept anyone but the mother of the children, maybe until you're engaged or something more official. If this is the case, he might just not want to force you on them and is, in essence, protecting you.

If it doesn't come from the family, then you have more reason to worry. One year and a half is a long time. If he's willing to take vacations together, why not take you to family gatherings? Is it just because his ex will be there?

My advice is for you to let him know what it means to you but say that you are willing to let it be on his timetable. Telling him that it's important to you to be part of the family is fine, nagging him about it will most likely backfire. Him not being ready to face his ex wife with you is not, by itself, reason for concern. It varies from man to man how long it takes to get over that barrier.

Doesn't appear that his feelings for you are in question. He's just reluctant to take a step that is difficult but inevitable if you are going to stay a couple. Be supportive and the outcome will be more favorable.