Submitted on Sunday, April 20, 2008
By R.L., 25, from bay area, CA:

My boyfriend smokes, and although he is so great that I date him despite his smoking, I still am embarrassed by his smoking, especially around my family and most friends. He thinks that my refusal to accept his smoking points to a deeper problem in the relationship (me not accepting him for who he is) while I think of his smoking as a nasty habit that will someday go away when he quits, and not really a part of who he is. He has also says that he does not plan to quit smoking until he has kids, but I refuse to marry a smoker. Can cigarettes really be so important to him that it's worth losing me?

VictorM's advice:

You get points taking away from you for thinking such an idiot is a great guy. Seriously! He is an idiot. I don't say that because he smokes -- lots of great people have gotten caught in that terrible habit -- but smart people don't think that smoking defines who they are. Great people who are smokers recognize they are caught in a terrible habit, one that will rob years from their life and most likely will bring about unwanted illnesses to themselves and those around them (second hand smoking is a proven health risk).

Further, saying he will quit when he has children is bullshit! He's just pushing the target into sometime into the future so he doesn't have to deal with it now. If he thinks smoking is so bad that his children shouldn't be exposed to it, why should he exposed you to it now? What kind of love is that? The man is either dense or careless. Take your pick.

A choice between you and cigarettes... yeah, he might just pick the smoking but rationalize it as it being you with the problem. He's addicted. Smoking is a hard addiction to quit. Given a choice, I don't know if he would try to quit over you, but you'd be wise to find out now because if you go on the promise that he'll quit when you have children, you'd be as big an idiot as he is.