In the beginning of our relationship I tried to be supportive and put a lot of effort into helping him see that history doesn't have to repeat itself/he can trust me etc. The only problem is that now we've been together for a couple of YEARS and I'm starting to get fed up of his insecurities (I know that sounds harsh and I do love him a lot but it's honest). By the way, this isn't a problem that affects our relationship everyday, but it does come up every couple of weeks or so and lately it's been turning into arguments which it hadn't before. I'm happy with our relationship but his insecurities and worries about what happened to him in the past make me wonder if we've got a future.

Anyway, basically what I wanted to know is...is there a way for me to get through to him that he can trust me? And if not, what's the best way for me to diffuse the situation when he gets uptight for no reason? Do you think its something that will ever change or am I just gonna have to accept that as part of his personality?

thanks

VictorM's advice:

No, there is no way for you to make him see that you'd never cheat. For one, isn't that what everyone who cheats says before they cheat? Two, of course you might cheat some time in the future under circumstances you can't foresee now. Three, his insecurities have nothing to do with you (and this is the point you must understand and accept above all).

Unless you stop enabling him, you will have to live with this forever, only that it will get worse. He'll become more and more insecure and his demands of you will increase.

Often, these kinds of insecurity tantrums are a way of getting your attention, of you compromising your freedom and self-worth and him gaining more and more control over your life. That's right, pay close attention: these "insecurities" often are nothing more than masking a controlling personality. Do NOT let him get away with it.

So what to do? It takes discipline and it will take time, but you must downplay what he says and you must stop taking it personally. Detach yourself from his words. Next time he acts jealous and says, for example, that you were flirting with another guy, just say: "That is not true, but if it makes you happy to believe it, so be it." And carry on with your life. Don't yell at him, don't sulk, don't show anger, just go about doing what you were doing.

By saying "if it makes you happy to believe it", you're changing the topic from your actions to his feelings. And his feelings are the problem. That's what needs to be the topic of conversation, not your actions. So, it's not you wearing a short skirt that's the problem, it's why he thinks it is. It's not you talking to another guy that's the problem, it's what he thinks about it that is.

You must turn every insecurity issue into one where he's the one that has to change, not you. And you must send a strong signal that you will not allow yourself to be controlled.