I have a relationship of four years with my boyfriend. Recently he told me that he needed space but this wasn't really communicated clearly because he puts me in a 'hanging' situation. Two points, though... he said that he doesn't feel like he has a girlfriend anymore and bits of me is losing inside of him. And also, that I am pushy. Three points then.

Hence, based on many experts' [read: girlfriends] advice, I ignored him for the whole week and moved on. Just as predicted, he's been calling and sending messages to me throughout the week. On the weekend, we eventually talked and he apologized for the hell he put me through and that he 'owes' me a lot... yeah. I told him that I found "this certain cell number" he's been calling a couple of times daily for the past whole month... may have even been earlier. I asked him who she is. He admitted that he has been calling the number but that "she is nobody special."

The resolution: he said that we are restarting things over, but that he still needs his space and that he says he will call/ talk/ see me again when the time comes, just-go-with-flow attitude. I am pissed because I felt that I am being kept in the dark until he is sure of... what?

For the past few days I have been on my own, sort of moved on, concentrated on other things, errands, priorities, hang out with friends a lot... I didn't check on him or message him since he so needs his space *eyes rolling*, but yeah, he called me up and asked me why have I been so quiet.

The latest is he asked whether I could live without him. I said I am not sure and he replied that is not an answer. I told him I would like to move on so just please decide. He can't even put a sentence together. When I gave him a choice to choose a YES or NO answer to the questions, "You would like to break up, YES or NO?" he became mute. When I gave him another question, "You would like to stay, I'm your girlfriend, you're my boyfirend, and we will talk and sort things out, YES or NO?" he answered YES.

But then he's being quizzical yet again and I asked, "Do you want to move on? you found someone better and un-pushy? you wanted her, don't you?" He became offended and said, "this has got nothind to do with her." Right, my bad.

He's being... . The thought of being four years together, and that I have faith he can be a better man than he is now, and that I know he really can't put a sentence together [he can be that stubbornly mute, we can be in a car and drive for hours without talking when we have a fight], I would like us to have another go, rebuild and be more... understanding and un-pushy, whatever.
I believe he has something going on, a pressure... but he's not talking to me, maybe he was talking to that another girl, I don't know.

Your advice, Victor?

Thank you in advance... this site IS very helpful.

VictorM's advice:

This guy knows you enough to know you're not the one he wants. He may not know what he wants, but he knows you're not "it". Maybe the other girls is nobody special, but neither are you. The fact is that he's looking.

He has a lot of time and energy invested in you and he can't just quit you cold turkey. You have been a special part of his life, he cares for your feelings and that makes it very difficult for him. So he tries to pull away, he comes back, he pulls away again. What you have to understand is that his actions are not part of the process of reconciliation; they are part of the process of breaking up. Like the cigarette smoker who's trying to quit but then has another cigarette. You're just a "habit" he's trying to quit.

You are probably right that he can be a better man than he's being right now but for him to reach that potential you have to let him go. Your relationship is over anyway. So stop with the questions, wish him the best of luck, and move on with your life without him.