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Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I'm already bored
Submitted on Monday, March 10, 2008
By Sara, 24, from Seattle:
By Sara, 24, from Seattle:
I don't know what to do. I've been in a relationship for about six months and I'm already bored. He says he likes me and things are going well when I confront him about the relationship, but I don't know what else to do. This guy I used to be crazy for, in my mind, is turning into just another one of my friends.
I want someone romantic and chivalrous, but that doesn't seem to be in his vocabulary. He has yet to buy flowers or a card. I would blame this on immaturity, but he's nearly ten years older than me. I also understand that he's in medical residency, but that doesn't mean the world around him has stopped.
Why is he such an unromantic dork? Why doesn't he even try to make things more interesting? How does he even think this is a good relationship? Does he think he doesn't even have to try to keep me around?
VictorM's advice:
Some guys are total duds when it comes to romantic and thoughtful gestures. They enjoy the girl for herself and make no requests. Really, when was the last time a guy complained that he didn't get tickets to a sporting event or a six-pack of his favorite beer from his girlfriend? Guys simply are much lower maintenance creatures than females and they treat girls the same way they like to be treated.
So, if you want some change in your relationship, you may have to change boyfriends (and risk starting this process all over, which is quite likely), or you can try to train this guy, realizing that he's not a mind reader and every woman has different requests that chance by the minute just when a guy thinks he's gotten her figured out.
If you choose to go the training route, I suggest you don't accuse him of wrongdoing or insult him. A better approach is to communicate your likes and your feelings. For example, tell him "I love to get surprises, like flowers or a card" instead of "You never give me flowers or a card." It wouldn't hurt for you to lead by example and do some of what you preach (but send him things you know he likes, not what you would like). If and when he does something right, reward him and praise him. When he doesn't, be patient and get in training mode.
Just a warning: some guys never understand just how needy girls can get about trinkets and other useless stuff as demonstrations of love and affection. It's a mystery beyond comprehension how a $2.99 card written by some geeks at Hallmark can spell the difference between happiness and misery in female land. If you can make this guy understand that, you'll be Woman of the Year in Seattle! :)
I want someone romantic and chivalrous, but that doesn't seem to be in his vocabulary. He has yet to buy flowers or a card. I would blame this on immaturity, but he's nearly ten years older than me. I also understand that he's in medical residency, but that doesn't mean the world around him has stopped.
Why is he such an unromantic dork? Why doesn't he even try to make things more interesting? How does he even think this is a good relationship? Does he think he doesn't even have to try to keep me around?
VictorM's advice:
Some guys are total duds when it comes to romantic and thoughtful gestures. They enjoy the girl for herself and make no requests. Really, when was the last time a guy complained that he didn't get tickets to a sporting event or a six-pack of his favorite beer from his girlfriend? Guys simply are much lower maintenance creatures than females and they treat girls the same way they like to be treated.
So, if you want some change in your relationship, you may have to change boyfriends (and risk starting this process all over, which is quite likely), or you can try to train this guy, realizing that he's not a mind reader and every woman has different requests that chance by the minute just when a guy thinks he's gotten her figured out.
If you choose to go the training route, I suggest you don't accuse him of wrongdoing or insult him. A better approach is to communicate your likes and your feelings. For example, tell him "I love to get surprises, like flowers or a card" instead of "You never give me flowers or a card." It wouldn't hurt for you to lead by example and do some of what you preach (but send him things you know he likes, not what you would like). If and when he does something right, reward him and praise him. When he doesn't, be patient and get in training mode.
Just a warning: some guys never understand just how needy girls can get about trinkets and other useless stuff as demonstrations of love and affection. It's a mystery beyond comprehension how a $2.99 card written by some geeks at Hallmark can spell the difference between happiness and misery in female land. If you can make this guy understand that, you'll be Woman of the Year in Seattle! :)
Comments:
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This guy I used to be crazy for, in my mind, is turning into just another one of my friends.
I don't think your problem is the amount of crap he buys you or lack of work he's putting in on the romantic front.
Maybe you're just not in love with him anymore.
Girls operate under love chemicals same as guys. And just like a guy will be all gung-ho at first while under the influence, all that New Relationship Energy at the beginning puts girls under the same influence.
What happens when the love chemicals wear off is the important part. That's an indicator of how the rest of your relationship will go - falls apart or keeps going. Sounds like you've lost interest in him, not his deeds and actions.
I don't think your problem is the amount of crap he buys you or lack of work he's putting in on the romantic front.
Maybe you're just not in love with him anymore.
Girls operate under love chemicals same as guys. And just like a guy will be all gung-ho at first while under the influence, all that New Relationship Energy at the beginning puts girls under the same influence.
What happens when the love chemicals wear off is the important part. That's an indicator of how the rest of your relationship will go - falls apart or keeps going. Sounds like you've lost interest in him, not his deeds and actions.
# posted by 
: 6:24 PM
: 6:24 PM
Oh, and:
Does he think he doesn't even have to try to keep me around?
Once a fish is caught, that's it. Fishermen generally don't like to throw the fish back and work to re-catch it. That's too much work. And dudes are lazy.
Does he think he doesn't even have to try to keep me around?
Once a fish is caught, that's it. Fishermen generally don't like to throw the fish back and work to re-catch it. That's too much work. And dudes are lazy.
# posted by : 6:28 PM
: 6:28 PM
This follow-up was submitted by sara:
Hi, This is a follow up question to my last post.
Ok. So I haven't seen him in a week because he was on call--which is fine. It's his career, and he has to do what he has to do. But I miss him and look forward to seeing him. Please tell me if this reenactment of what happened on Saturday Night was blowing it out of proportion. (We had plans for sat night at 9pm)
9:00 I'm perfectly dressed, excited to see him, don't mind that he doesn't buy the flowers and cards, but was anticipating to see him.
9:15 Where is he, hasn't called, has he forgotten? Call him--he's still at home (says he sick, but leaving out the door--he doesn't live that far away). I say if ur sick, thats fine, I'll see you next week. He says he's on call next week.
10:00 pm he finally gets to my place and says he's outside. I say I don't want to see him because I'm tired and tell him to go home.
Its not that he was sick or late that bothered me, its the fact that he didn't bother to call to tell me, I had to call him 15-20 minutes later to figure out what was going. He sounded sick, but shouldn't he call if he cares or respects the person.
He texted Sunday saying he was sorry he was late, but he was sick (Again, I don't care that he was late or sick, but the common courtesy to call someone you care about to let them know).
He called and left a voice mail Sunday at 1pm, and a text at 4pm.
Haven't heard from him since. Now im seriously considering ending it, because shouldn't you care about the persons feelings or show a little respect--I see him so little because of his job anyway, shouldn't he at least show a little consideration the one day a week he's here?
Hi, This is a follow up question to my last post.
Ok. So I haven't seen him in a week because he was on call--which is fine. It's his career, and he has to do what he has to do. But I miss him and look forward to seeing him. Please tell me if this reenactment of what happened on Saturday Night was blowing it out of proportion. (We had plans for sat night at 9pm)
9:00 I'm perfectly dressed, excited to see him, don't mind that he doesn't buy the flowers and cards, but was anticipating to see him.
9:15 Where is he, hasn't called, has he forgotten? Call him--he's still at home (says he sick, but leaving out the door--he doesn't live that far away). I say if ur sick, thats fine, I'll see you next week. He says he's on call next week.
10:00 pm he finally gets to my place and says he's outside. I say I don't want to see him because I'm tired and tell him to go home.
Its not that he was sick or late that bothered me, its the fact that he didn't bother to call to tell me, I had to call him 15-20 minutes later to figure out what was going. He sounded sick, but shouldn't he call if he cares or respects the person.
He texted Sunday saying he was sorry he was late, but he was sick (Again, I don't care that he was late or sick, but the common courtesy to call someone you care about to let them know).
He called and left a voice mail Sunday at 1pm, and a text at 4pm.
Haven't heard from him since. Now im seriously considering ending it, because shouldn't you care about the persons feelings or show a little respect--I see him so little because of his job anyway, shouldn't he at least show a little consideration the one day a week he's here?
It's one thing not to be romantic, it's another thing to be inconsiderate, which is what he is.
Did you explain to him the reason why you were upset, and why?
But anyway, Sara, you can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink. At some point, you have to recognize that a particular guy just isn't a good fit for you. Yeah, you might want to overlook the flowers and the cards, but you are dealing with someone who has quite a few more negatives than just those.
You live in an exciting city (I was in Seattle during all of February -- nice city) and you should be enjoying life, going out, doing fun stuff. Don't sell yourself short hoping that a guy will change (only in movies and romance novels do people change so drastically and so quickly; in real life, not so much).
Did you explain to him the reason why you were upset, and why?
But anyway, Sara, you can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink. At some point, you have to recognize that a particular guy just isn't a good fit for you. Yeah, you might want to overlook the flowers and the cards, but you are dealing with someone who has quite a few more negatives than just those.
You live in an exciting city (I was in Seattle during all of February -- nice city) and you should be enjoying life, going out, doing fun stuff. Don't sell yourself short hoping that a guy will change (only in movies and romance novels do people change so drastically and so quickly; in real life, not so much).
Thank you for the reinforcement. Its good to hear it from a guys perspective instead of talking it out with my girl friends.
So its official--its over. :)
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So its official--its over. :)
# posted by : 1:26 PM
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