So you think that even just casual writing daily back and forth with an occasional nickname calling probably means he still likes me that way?
 

I'm willing to bet that the answer is yes. But before I say it with more conviction, let me ask you, what caused the breakup and who brought it up, your or him?
 

well, to be honest, I've written you a few times about our relationship. Mostly you thought I should get over it, move on, etc. We were together about a year, known each other for 10 years. We broke up a lot in our relationship, but never more than a few days. Over stupid stuff. He's a weird guy. He did this final break up. Gave me a line of crap about the only way to prevent himself from getting hurt again is to not come back to me. It was an emotional break up, and like I said- he wouldn't answer my texts or calls; like he used to before when we'd break up.
Here's an example of his emails:

yawn, hey whats going on short stuff just got up got to run around for a while get some junk done than im supposed to meet some people for dinner than im going over to jeff's so it should be a good day i don't know why your friend invited me i know her a little bit guess she just wanted to say hi, or mabey it has something to do with my amazing ass lol joking ok anyways i promise ill check out those things you sent me and your pics soon just want to get all my running around junk done today so i dont have to waste anymore of my vacation time doing it. ALrighty hope you slept good and ill talk to you later G funk.

and

Thanks Dot! Ill check it out tomorrow the ace ventura thing made me laugh i needed it an inmate punched me in the face tonight and by the time it was all over i was covered in blood my hands looked like i stuck them in a bucket of it , it was all up my left arm and all over my chest than i had to do paper work for over two hours so i needed the laugh. Oh well time to start my vacation hopefully its a good one ill talk to you later and i hope you sleep good


my responses are always short and choppy though because I don't want to scare him away. when he got the myspace he told a mutual friend "i hope dorothy doesn't get the wrong idea".

it's not upsetting me as much, it's really not that big of a deal to me anymore. I still love him and miss him, but i could never get back with him, and i think he thinks that too. i just can't tell. i tend to obsess over things, and your blunt honesty helps me see straighter :) thanks so much.
 

(the things i sent him were links to some layouts for his myspace)
 

I just sent you another example of a set of emails between eachother through your website so it's not public. I'm so annoying, I know :)
 

Got the emails. You are funny and clever. He's right about that.

Well, I still say that a guy in a situation like his can't just be after friendship. He may settle for it, but I'm sure in the back of his mind he thinks he's going to lure you back in with a nice and easy attitude.

He tries to stay away from you, and managed to do so for a while, but to quote a movie, he "can't quit you". So he's back, with a "friends-only" slant, but the feelings for you are still there.

I still say you should move on. But carrying on this constant chatting with him and not wanting to scare him away isn't moving on. Moving on is drastically reducing contact with him and dating other guys.
 

What if I don't want to quite move on yet? :(
But what if I'm wrong about the whole thing? What if I'm on a roller coaster back and forth between thinking he's into me, and then thinking he's not. It'll be too frustrating.
So what if we're wrong?
 

I got your LONNNNNNNNNNG submission now. It probably got rejected before because there's a size limit on the submit form.

With you around, who needs soap operas? :-p

Anyway, I don't have time right now but will reply sometime today.

But, briefly, if you don't want to move on, don't move on! You shouldn't do it as long as you feel the way you do.

More later.
 

You're so awesome. I told my mother what you wrote, since I've been trying to get some advice from her, and she goes "there! right there! he's right."

I told her that you've always been right, even if it's not what I hoped to hear :)

Talk to you soon, thanks again.
 

I don't know.
I just really do miss him. At least I think that's what this is. I know I wouldn't want revenge and get him to like me again then hurt him like he hurt me. It's just...he's been this protector in my life, and he's even said it himself. I mean, can 3 months give someone who was in love with someone enough time to be OK with just friendship? Because- like I said- I could be blowing this way outta proportion and he is simply trying to be friends. No romantic feelings. I don't know what to do. I didn't think it was going to upset me this much. I realized last night I was waiting up to see if he was going to send me a random message when he got home from work. As soon as I realized I got off and went to bed. (ha, got off and went to bed! i'm a pervert) anyway it freaked me out that I was waiting for him to get on.
 

You know...
I think he's just really bored, that's why he writes me.

No St. Patty's plans, I have a little boy and Narcolepsy...I don't "go out" or "get drunk." I figure you'll be busy tonight, but I can't wait to hear back from ya.
 

Hi this is Monica..from the "i'm obsessed" submissions...

Just hope that you dont think i am the same "annonymous" that usually blogs on the visitor comment section as the girl writing up above in this box.

(Me)Monica and "Annonymous" posying above are not the same person...but you told her you recieved her very long letter today which was rejected....(I just resent you a very long letter TODAY which was previously rejected, so I hope you don't think it's the same one as this girls one)

Anyways there were similarities so I wanted to double checked you didnt think we were the same person. I go by Monica in my "obsessed" submissions, and normally by "annonymous" when I post.
 

Annonymous when i post in the visitors section, i meant
 

Oh boy... I'm totally confused about who is who. I do think I'm mixing these submissions up.

Just to be sure... Monica, the long email about going to the bowling alley and the 2 girls that showed up... has nothing to do with this question?
 

This is Dorothy-
I also tried sending a long submission that didn't work! But mine had nothing to do with a bowling alley. Basically, mine's pretty stupid, so you can help Monica out on this one. I'm sure I'll be back for more advice someday soon! Thanks ♥
Dorothy
 

Ahh so there's where the confusion comes from. You both sent long submissions that didn't make it to me originally. I got Monica's long (and I mean LONG) :) submission via email instead of the submit form.

Anyway, just so you know... there is a limit on the size of submissions. If they're too big, they are rejected. This happened with Monica and Dorothy. And both your situations are similar, with references to the guys' myspace sites, which lead to my confusion.
 

LOL...I really didn't mean it to be so long...I'll try to keep em breif as possible from now on. Right, the bowling alley submission about the 2 girls that came up has nothing to do with the question up there...
 

God, I haven't even commented yet and already this thread is 17 deep.

I think I'll just sit back, relax, and watch...
 

Alright, it's Dorothy again.

I was gonna give up on this and let you speak with Monica, but it's bothering me again. And this thread is hot so what the heck. I'm worried about being on an emotional roller coaster. He still writes me, usually short emails, but the other night was a pointless long one. But has said absolutely NOTHING about me and him...which is retrospect is good.
What are the odds that it is really just friendship he wants?
 

This post has been removed by the author.
 

OK, now I think I've gotten this Monica/Dorothy confusion sorted out, let's take a look at this again.

Dorothy,

Let me give you what I think it's a logical scenario that brought you to where you are:

You have a bumpy relationship with this guy, bringing him much frustration. So after several milder breakups, he finally was sterner and stayed away for 3 months, refusing to reply to emails and text messages.

But this is a guy that was heavily invested in you emotionally, after all, his stated reason the breakup was to avoid hurt.

So off he goes and stays away from you for 3 months. But I have no doubt he craved your attention during that time period. This didn't last 3 months because that's a magic period to get over people; it lasted this long because that's how much his willpower carried him. Eventually, he needed your attention again, except that for pride or what he feels is best for him, he's coming back only seeking friendship.

Does he mean it? He does, on a conscientious level, but a guy that was that emotionally invested in you can't just want to be friends! He's settling for what he can get hoping to avoid the hurt he experienced before with all the breakups.

I'm not saying this is a plan on his part. I'm sure in his mind he's only seeking friendship. But I'm saying this will ultimately not be what he truly wants because he still has feelings for you. His current desire for friendship is a sign of weakness. If it wasn't, he would have carried on what he did for 3 months and stay away from you.

But what he wants aside, this friendship between you and him will NEVER work out, which is why I keep suggesting that you move on! You and him cannot be friends. Period! Why? Because sooner or later you or him, or both will have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Can you really talk to him gracefully about his girlfriend? Can he hear you talk about your boyfriend? And what about your new boyfriend, would he be happy to know you carry on a friendship with your ex that includes daily emails and such? Would you tolerate him having such a relationship with an ex?

There are only two possible positive outcomes: either you and him give your relationship yet another try (but frankly, what are the odds it will work now?) or you two must break contact and go on with life without the other. Anything else will be a torment.

When a couple realizes they're not in love with each other and breakup amicably, being friends is possible, but in your case, it's just not realistic.

You both need to face the music that what you're both doing now is unsustainable.
 

Everything you say makes so much sense. But we've known each other since I was 13. He was in love with me back then, only didn't act on it cuz he was 17. After 10 years of friendship, I don't want to just not have him in my life...
Is ending contact really the only way to manage this? It's not like he was only a boyfriend...he was a friend long before he was a boyfriend.
You have no idea how much I appreciate your counseling! You've made things so clear and logical, I 100% see what you're saying about why we're talking again and what it will lead to, etc.
I just don't want to hear that the only way is to cut him out of my life. So....for the last time, I promise lol- do I have any other choice that would work besides getting back with him?
 

*munching popcorn, reading back and forth between dorothy and victor*

God, you guys. This is like a Broadway play. Or tennis.
 

Well... there's always a magic wand, a fairy godmother, a genie, but other than that, having a relationship with him while you both still have feelings for each other (come on, admit it, you still have feelings for him, right?) makes an attempt at friendship an invitation to more heartache for the reasons I explained earlier (what will happen when either one of you gets attached to someone else).

You're just having a hard time letting go. I understand. It's not easy. You could just sit back and see what happens. You don't have to go cold turkey on this. I'm sure within weeks he'll either make a move for you again or he'll cease talking to you.

Meanwhile...

Let me ask you, are you actively dating right now? Do you go out with friends, flirt with guys, go to places where you could meet guys?
 

....No.

I don't get out much at all. I have a 3 year old son, and I have a sleep disorder called Narcolepsy. I don't even have a job, I get disability for the Narcolepsy. I mean, I do plan on doing more with my life once my son goes to school, but right now all my energy is on myself and him.

I have some guy friends who are constantly hitting on me. If I wanted and was actually able to do something, I surely could find something.

But I'm too tired.
Always too tired.
I sleep and sleep and sleep and it is never enough. Dating and getting out to meet people is too much for me right now. Yeah I take meds for it, but it hardly helps.

Probably sounds like I'm just wanting to settle for this guy since I can't go out on dates. Maybe you're right.
He was such a jerk to me when he dumped me...not talking to me and knowing it was killing me. He knew how bad I was. We have mutual friends. I have a big block towards him now.

I think you're right about taking it slow. I'm not going to make any moves, and hopefully he doesn't. If he does, I'll just deal with it then. If he stops talking to me, well then he cut me outta his life, not me letting him go.
 

The sad part is that I could never see us being together forever. I could never see myself marrying him...he's not the type of guy I want. He's judgmental, conceited, selfish, morose, dorky...doesn't appreciate things like I do...but I do love him.

I'm probably just settling and I need to open my eyes and do the right thing.

I'm open to meeting new people. But I don't see how I will yet. I think if I was dating him I'd still be open to meeting new guys! Not that I'd cheat, but I'd be looking for better.

You probably think I'm pretty pathetic. But like you said- it's hard. I hate to share so much personal stuff, but if you know anything about Narcolepsy...you'd get an idea of what it's like inside my life. The depression and bipolar I've been struggling with...panic attacks. (Yes, I'm crazy.) I've been actively seeking treatment for years and years now. Still trying to find the right regimen.

Another important thing is that he couldn't put up with my issues. He never tried to understand, he never accepted, and he was never ever compassionate. I did so much to change for him, when before I would tend to isolate myself, I started letting him know that it had nothing to do with him, I just am having a bad couple days.
And sometimes he'd be mean. Saying I was too dependent on my mother, I don't try hard enough...but let me tell you- I fight every single day to be the best I can and sometimes it's a good day, but sometimes it's too much. I don't want my life to be like this, I mean c'mon...I'm not a bum. I don't do any drugs or even drink.

What I need is to get out and experience life, but I can't because of all the symptoms of Narcolepsy.

In the beginning he said as long as I told him what was wrong at the time, he wouldn't give up on me. That only lasted about a month. He started saying "well maybe I can't handle it like I thought I could!" about me. And trust me- it wasn't that bad. He just couldn't stand when I wasn't focusing on him being "wonderful and great". bleh.

He never opened up to my son. Sure he played with him a couple times, but only say him a few times a month. He'd come over at night when Gabrien was asleep. I would ask him about it but he was very defensive. At the time it broke my heart, but now I'm glad he didn't have a relationship with my son.

You know what? Screw him. He doesn't deserve my friendship. Definitely not my love. He's a stubborn, arrogant jerk, and I'm a good person. He doesn't deserve my attention.

Why can't I stay angry??? I am soooo angry when I think about it all, but then I get an email from him and it's like "la la la"

Why can't I stay angry, Victor?

LOL.
Have fun with this one.
 

I just want you to know that I do have a grip on life. Better than most people would. On somedays I feel like I don't, but the truth is, I'm proud of my life. I've got an amazingly nice apartment, I just got a car and I hadn't had one in over a year (don't worry, i know when to drive and when not to drive and i would never drive far distances. 20 minutes max.)

I've got a healthy son, he's brilliant. I love showing him off to my friends when they visit. My son has no family. Just me. No paternal family whatsoever has even met him, and my family is too busy to be a part of Gabe's life. This makes me cry at night...the guilt I feel. He deserves so much more. And I resent Matt for not giving him more. My son is easy to love, he's beautiful, and funny!

...And I'm physically healthy, just dealing with my neurological and mental problems. But I'll tell you what, I bet someone else who had to face the things I face everyday wouldn't be able to deal with it. But I do because I love my son and I appreciate life. Like I said- some days are better than others. But I'm never CRAZY. Just overwhelmed with tiredness and mental frustration...
I'm a good person. No one hardly ever takes time to acknowledge that. Even him.

He is rude, judgmental...WHY CAN'T I STAY ANGRY?!
 

Email yesterday from Matt:

Well i hope you had a good day i enjoy getting your msg's just like i always have..... err well when were not fighting anyways lol ummmmmmmmmmmmmm i don't know what to write just lonely i guess, well anyways i hope you sleep good and i'll talk to you later

Getting less and less casual... :(
 

You can't stay angry because anger requires energy, something you don't have a lot of.
 

Ha. Well you're right.
 

This is in reply to a submission that D sent me that's just too long to post here and contains confidential information.

Boy, you have some anger in you, don't you? But you're letting him have it, which is good for you (it's good to vent), and he's taking it well, which bodes well for the statement that he cares about you (even if not as lovers).

I have to say you had me cracking up with your Ogre and Shrek and Fiona comments. :)

Anyway... my concerns remain with the viability of you staying just friends and how the friendship might change if others come into the picture. But you know that already.

Other than that, will you be able to stay off each other sexually? I really doubt it. I know you both mean it when you say it, but come on, let's face... you two alone, watching movies, in the dark? Um... yarite! :)

I kinda like this guy, to be honest. He seems like a nice guy. He's really taking a lot of your crap in stride. Yeah, he sounded angry at times, but I thought he had legitimate reason to sound that way.

As far as him going out with the Ogre... you know, studies show that after a break-up, guys are much more likely to get into another relationship much quicker than women. I think part of the reason is that women have to get over feelings, which can linger for a long time, while guys just have to get over their ego being bruised... and what better way to do it then with a girl who is easy? So... go easy on him about that relationship; it was just a step to deal with the pain and loneliness. This is just a perfect example of how guys and girls deal differently with the same need to heal. (You have to admit, our way is more fun ;)

Anyway... good luck, D.
 

Victor, Victor, Victor. I am so confused. Now he's joking around like "yeah ever since u mentioned that sex thing the other day..." and about how he hasn't had any.

and been like:
"come over! watch a movie!" all excitedly.

Stupid head.
Anyway, I thank you sooo much for your help. The female world is lucky to have your site. Seriously! I'd say I'd advertise it more for you, but I don't want you to be too bombarded that I don't get my questions answered LOL

♥
 

Dot,

Why am I not surprised about the sex talk? :)

Anyway, there's nothing to be confused about. Guys and sex live in a perfectly happy place without feelings getting in the way. He can be intimate with you without thinking of a relationship. So don't go thinking he wants more than all he really wants: your warm and sexy body!
 

That bastard.
!!
 

What a jerk. I bet he'd take any girl that would be willing to sleep with him, and here I was thinking about how strong our bond must be that after all that he still can't stay away, etc. But he is sooooo trying to use me for sex. He's probably being just as brown nosing as he is with me with every girl he talks to. What a loser. I'm angry again. I will NOT confront him about this, but I'm not gonna let it slip my mind and get the ole wool pulled over my eyes. I guess I'm hurt too.
 

Is it irrational for me to feel disgusted that he slept with someone else? You know, I thought we had something really, really special, and even he said we had something he's never had with anyone else. I know it sounds cliche' and all, but I believe him. It kills me that he hooked up with someone like that. Loneliness and whatever feelings don't make a difference. Waaaaaay back when we were first together I slept with someone when he dumped me but it was only because he told me we would never be together again, over and over, and I was sad and needed a boost and this guy was a really good friend of mine. Matt was so hurt and I didn't even HAVE to tell him but I did because I couldn't hold it back, I'd feel wrong. Is it the same thing?

Should I feel like things will never be the same since he slept with someone else?
 

But he was actually in a 3 week relationship with her. AND he took her to a hotel (I have my sources) which is something we talked about doing all the time. He doesn't know I know this.