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Monday, March 31, 2008
Am I being naive?
Submitted on Saturday, March 29, 2008
By Scarlett Seager, 21, from London:
Hey, I feel a bit silly doing this but I'm really confused over a guy and I was hoping someone out of the box might give me an honest answer. Ok, so I've been in Canada since August as part of my degree (I'm actually from England) and I leave in 4 weeks time. The problem is that before I came to Canada I was seeing this really nice guy, who liked me as well. But because I was coming here we decided it was stupid to carry it on because we wouldn't see each other for 9 months. Anyway, we said we would see what happens in that space of time and if we're both single when we get back, we can pick things up from where we left them. However, since January I found out that he has a new girlfriend, and I think they were actually together a few months before that. The whole thing is odd though, because we still keep in contact and he is still very flirty. He didn't tell me about his new girlfriend until a week ago because he said it felt cowardly over email. He then told me that he still liked me and wished I hadn't gone away because he is now in the dilemma of liking two women!
Now, he also wants to meet me in June to go shopping and go out drinking. The thing is, he normally always stays the night because it is a long way for him to come just for the day, so in the past we've stayed at this hotel I work at in London. He says he still wants to be friends and understands if I don't want to meet up with him because he has a girlfriend now, but because I still like him, part of me still wants to see him. Anyway, we've discussed this and he says he thinks we should just see how we feel when we see each other again. BUT I know that after a few drinks I will fancy the pants off him and something will end up happening. In a way, I want it to because I like him, but because he has a girlfriend I don't want to be 'the other woman' and want to be respected. He went as far to ask me 'how would you feel if something happened while I was still with my girlfriend?' Obviously that made me feel a bit shit, since I have feelings for this guy and want more from him than just sex.
So after all this whining hehe (sorry), I was hoping you could advise me on what to do. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, but I can't help but wish he would choose me over her. How do you think I should go about doing this? Should I forget about him altogether? Please help! I really like this guy but don't want to get hurt. Part of me thinks I should tell him I think meeting up is a bad idea, while he is with this other girl, but because of our history and the feelings I still have for him, I feel I should at least meet him to give it a chance. Am I being naive?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are being naive... and weak... and unwise to think anything positive would come out of you meeting him while he still has a girlfriend.
First and foremost, if you meet him and "fancy the pants off him" while he still retains the current girlfriend, why should he give her up, when he can have his cake and eat it too? It would make more sense to me that the only way he gets you is if he gives her up. That should be a condition you set straight out and leave no ambiguity about it.
You shouldn't feel sorry for his girlfriend; you should feel sorry for yourself. After all you're still in love with a guy that would not think twice about cheating on his girlfriend. Today it's her, tomorrow it might be you. See, he doesn't just like two women -- that I think would be possible and understandable. What's happening is he's just plain lying to you and to the other girl. He withheld information about the other girl all the while flirting with you; he's planning (hoping) to meet you behind his girlfriend's back, and you're considering going along with all of this. Being torn between two lovers is understandable; cheating and lying is not.
Look, if you want respect, you have to start by respecting yourself! Do not be the third party in a cheating game.
By Scarlett Seager, 21, from London:
Hey, I feel a bit silly doing this but I'm really confused over a guy and I was hoping someone out of the box might give me an honest answer. Ok, so I've been in Canada since August as part of my degree (I'm actually from England) and I leave in 4 weeks time. The problem is that before I came to Canada I was seeing this really nice guy, who liked me as well. But because I was coming here we decided it was stupid to carry it on because we wouldn't see each other for 9 months. Anyway, we said we would see what happens in that space of time and if we're both single when we get back, we can pick things up from where we left them. However, since January I found out that he has a new girlfriend, and I think they were actually together a few months before that. The whole thing is odd though, because we still keep in contact and he is still very flirty. He didn't tell me about his new girlfriend until a week ago because he said it felt cowardly over email. He then told me that he still liked me and wished I hadn't gone away because he is now in the dilemma of liking two women!
Now, he also wants to meet me in June to go shopping and go out drinking. The thing is, he normally always stays the night because it is a long way for him to come just for the day, so in the past we've stayed at this hotel I work at in London. He says he still wants to be friends and understands if I don't want to meet up with him because he has a girlfriend now, but because I still like him, part of me still wants to see him. Anyway, we've discussed this and he says he thinks we should just see how we feel when we see each other again. BUT I know that after a few drinks I will fancy the pants off him and something will end up happening. In a way, I want it to because I like him, but because he has a girlfriend I don't want to be 'the other woman' and want to be respected. He went as far to ask me 'how would you feel if something happened while I was still with my girlfriend?' Obviously that made me feel a bit shit, since I have feelings for this guy and want more from him than just sex.
So after all this whining hehe (sorry), I was hoping you could advise me on what to do. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, but I can't help but wish he would choose me over her. How do you think I should go about doing this? Should I forget about him altogether? Please help! I really like this guy but don't want to get hurt. Part of me thinks I should tell him I think meeting up is a bad idea, while he is with this other girl, but because of our history and the feelings I still have for him, I feel I should at least meet him to give it a chance. Am I being naive?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are being naive... and weak... and unwise to think anything positive would come out of you meeting him while he still has a girlfriend.
First and foremost, if you meet him and "fancy the pants off him" while he still retains the current girlfriend, why should he give her up, when he can have his cake and eat it too? It would make more sense to me that the only way he gets you is if he gives her up. That should be a condition you set straight out and leave no ambiguity about it.
You shouldn't feel sorry for his girlfriend; you should feel sorry for yourself. After all you're still in love with a guy that would not think twice about cheating on his girlfriend. Today it's her, tomorrow it might be you. See, he doesn't just like two women -- that I think would be possible and understandable. What's happening is he's just plain lying to you and to the other girl. He withheld information about the other girl all the while flirting with you; he's planning (hoping) to meet you behind his girlfriend's back, and you're considering going along with all of this. Being torn between two lovers is understandable; cheating and lying is not.
Look, if you want respect, you have to start by respecting yourself! Do not be the third party in a cheating game.
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