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Monday, February 25, 2008
Was he ever really interested?
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008
By Amanda, from USA:
A guy I had been talking to for a while asked me out, and I agreed. I then found out (first through his ex, then him) that he was still sleeping with his ex. I agreed to back off until things cooled down, and after a quiet period, we've begun talking about non-work topics again. Was he ever really interested?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he was interested, but if he asked you out, he must have been. The fact that he was still having sex with his ex has nothing to do with what he might think about you.
There's a lot of reasons a guy sleeps with his ex, including pity, habit, opportunity, "hey, she's willing," and many more reasons that have nothing to do with feelings. I don't see why a guy who starts dating a girl should stop having sex with another until the dating evolves into a steady and committed relationship.
*I know, I'm going to get hell for this answer*
By Amanda, from USA:
A guy I had been talking to for a while asked me out, and I agreed. I then found out (first through his ex, then him) that he was still sleeping with his ex. I agreed to back off until things cooled down, and after a quiet period, we've begun talking about non-work topics again. Was he ever really interested?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he was interested, but if he asked you out, he must have been. The fact that he was still having sex with his ex has nothing to do with what he might think about you.
There's a lot of reasons a guy sleeps with his ex, including pity, habit, opportunity, "hey, she's willing," and many more reasons that have nothing to do with feelings. I don't see why a guy who starts dating a girl should stop having sex with another until the dating evolves into a steady and committed relationship.
*I know, I'm going to get hell for this answer*
Comments:
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Stares at you long and hard, willing you to go ahead and just compose the rebuttal that I'm attempting to squeeze out of my eyeballs at you I have them slitted so much.
# posted by 
: 9:48 AM
: 9:48 AM
"I don't see why a guy who starts dating a girl should stop having sex with another until the dating evolves into a steady and committed relationship."
Perhaps because this would be a huge red flag to a person who wants a relationship....guys and girls would both be sketched out by this arrangement and may not want to get serious with someone who does this. I wouldn't, and I know some guys who would at least not take the girl seriously.
At the very least the person should be honest about what they are doing.
Perhaps because this would be a huge red flag to a person who wants a relationship....guys and girls would both be sketched out by this arrangement and may not want to get serious with someone who does this. I wouldn't, and I know some guys who would at least not take the girl seriously.
At the very least the person should be honest about what they are doing.
# posted by : 8:04 PM
: 8:04 PM
Are you saying that if a guy asks you out on a date, he should not be having sex with anyone, and if he is, he should tell you about it on that date?
If a guy was dating me and having sex with someone else and I found out about it, I would back off, just as Amanda has done, and tell him to get back to me when he figures out what he wants.
Clearly it would be unrealistic to expect a man to volunteer the information that he's having sex with someone to another woman he wants to have sex with. It would more than likely thwart that agenda. Before I get involved emotionally or sexually with a guy, I ask those questions. If the guy isn't honest that's obviously unfair.
Amanda's guy was backed into a corner by having the information outed by his ex. He sounds like a dumbass.
How do you suppose dating will evolve into a steady and committed relationship that's not a sham when one person is having sex with someone else until that magical point in time?
I don't know. It seems to be an attitude in keeping with the comments you've made about yourself..in that you prefer to be free. Nothing wrong with that, it's your choice. I'm talking about how people who actually want a monogomous, long term commitment would percieve this....and it's not a positive.
Clearly it would be unrealistic to expect a man to volunteer the information that he's having sex with someone to another woman he wants to have sex with. It would more than likely thwart that agenda. Before I get involved emotionally or sexually with a guy, I ask those questions. If the guy isn't honest that's obviously unfair.
Amanda's guy was backed into a corner by having the information outed by his ex. He sounds like a dumbass.
How do you suppose dating will evolve into a steady and committed relationship that's not a sham when one person is having sex with someone else until that magical point in time?
I don't know. It seems to be an attitude in keeping with the comments you've made about yourself..in that you prefer to be free. Nothing wrong with that, it's your choice. I'm talking about how people who actually want a monogomous, long term commitment would percieve this....and it's not a positive.
# posted by : 9:33 PM
: 9:33 PM
Well certainly the person has the right to have sex with others until he/she has decided to be exclusive with somebody. HOWEVER, if I were in Amanda's situation, and I found out someone I was casually dating was being sexually active with others I would back off. I wouldn't ASK for that info, but if I was told like Amanda was....I personally think it is a sign that the person is either not decided about what they want, and obviously not all that serious about me....So unless I just purely wanted a fling...how would it benefit me to stick around? Plus, I think if I stayed around, it would send the message to the guy that I will put up with just about anything...but I'm not a doormat for any man. Just because a man has the RIGHT to sleep with others while casually dating others, doesn't mean that the girl will be ok with it. I think girls are in general (but certainly not ALWAYS...) less casual about sex then men. It is more emotional than physical for a woman.
# posted by : 9:50 PM
: 9:50 PM
princess, do you expect any man who asks you out on a date to be celibate?
I can understand a guy having a friend with benefits while he's out dating and seeking someone for a relationship. Until he finds such a person, he continues to engage in sex. Does this sound wrong? Cause it doesn't to me.
I can understand a guy having a friend with benefits while he's out dating and seeking someone for a relationship. Until he finds such a person, he continues to engage in sex. Does this sound wrong? Cause it doesn't to me.
Yeah...It depends. If you've only been on a handful of dates with a person, they cant expect you to be not having sex for them. I think its after you've been on enough dates (a few months) with a person, where it would be innapropriate to be having sex as well as seeing them. Because after a few months, (whether a guy realizes it or not) the girls is developing feelings for the guy and she probably assumes they are still going out because the guy is starting to be serious about her. Unless the girls knows upfront hes having sex with others, she will feel betrayed and led on.
# posted by : 7:55 PM
: 7:55 PM
Ignoring Victor's pleas for help in digging hisself out of this hole while nodding in vigorous agreement with anonymous's last post.
# posted by : 12:18 AM
: 12:18 AM
princess, do you expect any man who asks you out on a date to be celibate?
OK. Enough silent treatment, you thickheaded man. No, I don't expect a man to be celibate, but then again, I'm not most women.
And this particular situation clearly is NOT just "friends + benefits" fling. It's his fucking EX for god sake. Maybe he can fuck her with no emotion, who knows. But I think he's getting his dick all tangled up in past emotions (the ex) that could possibly come back while he's dating Amanda.
So again, should he be celibate? No. But I don't think it would hurt for him to give his dick a break in between women.
OK. Enough silent treatment, you thickheaded man. No, I don't expect a man to be celibate, but then again, I'm not most women.
And this particular situation clearly is NOT just "friends + benefits" fling. It's his fucking EX for god sake. Maybe he can fuck her with no emotion, who knows. But I think he's getting his dick all tangled up in past emotions (the ex) that could possibly come back while he's dating Amanda.
So again, should he be celibate? No. But I don't think it would hurt for him to give his dick a break in between women.
# posted by : 10:06 AM
: 10:06 AM
Well, the guy isn't the one that wrote asking for advice. The question by Amanda is: can he still be interested in her even if he was sleeping around.
The answer is yes. My point wasn't to say whether the guy is right or wrong; it was to point out that to most guys, fucking and feelings don't have to go together.
I don't know why he was still fucking his ex, but doing it doesn't preclude him from being interested in Amanda.
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The answer is yes. My point wasn't to say whether the guy is right or wrong; it was to point out that to most guys, fucking and feelings don't have to go together.
I don't know why he was still fucking his ex, but doing it doesn't preclude him from being interested in Amanda.
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