You really need to find a way to relax.

Grrrr. I really really hate it when guys tell a girl to "relax."

You're skating on thin ice, Mister!

But yeah, if not with this guy, then it'll happen with someone else--learn to control those negative reactions and actions or you are just doomed to play this role over and over again.
 

Oh re... keep your panties on. Monica mentioned specific attributes about herself that warranted a "relax".

But, princess, relaxing is a good thing.
 

It's condescending and borders on sexism, since the phrase "just relax" is usually only said to women. By men.

Am I right?
 

princess is right!!
 

princess is not right. Guys tell each other to relax all the time.
 

This follow-up comment was submitted by Monica:

it's me once more from I feel like I'm obsessed and I hate that...In response to part 2, LOL....From what I hear "relax"ing is a wonderful thing, unfortunately I don't think I have ever actually experienced it. LOL....In case you haven't noticed, I'm quite the nervous, paranoid type..But I'm looking into some yoga, so let's see if that works, haha! You're right that I need to stop worrying...I contribute my self-consciousness to the fact that I was teased for being awkward and shy most of my childhood through highshool. Needless to say, I now have this OVERWHELMING FEAR of rejection. After highschool, I went to a college far away from anyone who used to know me and I started over. I have become quite attractive and popular, but certain past experiences still sometimes get the best of me. Truthfully, I am working very hard to overcome these challenges however. Thanks for everything.
 

Yes, Victor, but when guys tell a woman to relax? Their tone of voice is usually along the lines of "DON'T GET SO EMOTIONAL."

Guy to guy may be fine. Guy to girl? In my experience, I've only ever found it to be condescending. And very un-relaxing! ;P

Monica, best of wishes to you and your journey. You are dealing with tough issues. Yes, yoga will help you...de-stress. Learn to listen to your body. Once you recognize what it feels like to be calm and in control, physically and emotionally, you can replicate that feeling in various situations.
 

I wasn't offended by the "relax" comment directed at me. Sometimes when a guy tells a girl that, it IS condescending. However, in my case Victor had every reason to comment as he did. I DO need to relax.
 

Annonymous above was me, Monica from the blog I wrote "I'm obsessed...1 and 2"
 

Monica,

I have good vibes about you because you recognize a personality trait that needs adjustment. Of course doing something about it is easier said than done, but recognizing it is a major first step.
 

Just curious...you say, "You may not think he's serious about you, but trust me, he's measuring you up the same as if you were in a relationship." What does that mean? What type of HIS behavior leads you to that conclusion in other words? I feel like in some ways he really does act like we're in a relationship sometimes, but he hasn't kissed me or anything. (7 months of hanging out)
 

What I meant is that even though you're not in a formal relationship he's still learning about you and getting closer to you. You don't have to declare yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend to learn about the other and see if you're a good fit. That process is going on, whether you notice it or not.

I used the word "serious" to mean that he's not taking you for granted. Spending five hours together, teasing you in front of his friends, making physical contact (the butt slapping thing, hugs, etc.)... you're not just his pal.
 

Is it weird though, that usually after one of our dates, I don't hear from him for days. Our last date was Monday, and I really haven't heard much from him since. He looked for me once on IM (left a teasing message and was aslo like "Look who's not on this time...Good job with that -with a wink face-) And then he poked me once on facebook, but only because I did to him first. He also wrote a short message on my facebook wall, teasing me about my status update which was phrased in wanna-be gangster talk...inside joke between me, my friends and him. I know he's busy and had plans with friends yesterday (so am I...this weekend was crammed with friends and a birthday outing for my brother who just turned 21), but I always think how strange it is that we don't chat more in between dates. (we've had 6 days pass since our last date, although we did hang out 2 weekends in a row. Once on a Sat, then this time over the long holiday wknd on Mon)I feel like he used to be more "available" since starting an internship about 6 weeks ago. By that I mean, he used to log onto IM almost every day....now its maybe once or twice a week, but we're not always on at the same time. Plus, we used to write these letters to each other through email. They would be about 1-2 pages in length. He would normally reply within 2 days, now he replies within a week or 2 and they're not as long. He has said, that when he gets home from his internship he usually just takes a nap and does homework later. And he goes to bed pretty early like 10PM. He says he's just really busy and tired, and that ALL of his friends have been complaining to him that he's never around much anymore and stuff, so maybe I shouldn't take it personally. But still, he's off on weekends...he could get onto IM then or something. Whenever we get together in person, the chemistry is still there though. (Well I feel it anyways) And we take of right we we finished on the last date...still flirting and having fun. It's just, I won't hear much from him in between the end of one date to the start of the next. And I am usually the one initiating going out again. I'll generally text him about something going on, or ask when hes available to meet up. It is very rare for him to call me up and ask me out. He insists that he is just not a planner....He said he'd rather gough his eyes out than choose what to do on a date or outing. And he says, "You gotta understand. I'm not a planner....This is how my social life works. People tell me when and where to be and I show up. I hate planning." But then there's that quote "It's up to you now...If you want me in your life, you'l find a way to put me there." I dont mind planning, but it's just something I've noticed. I hate complaining bc we DO always have the best time and stuff. I think I am just kind of missing how attentative he was to me before the internship. I feel like he made more efforts then. People have also told me, "Well guys are natuarally just going to be more attentative in the beginning because thats when they're trying to impress you. But he probably can tell you like him, so its not necessary for him to try as hard anymore." What do you think?
 

We went out Saturday...then not the immediate monday after that, but 8 or 9 days later on Monday which was presidents day. Just to clarify
 

All that you say denotes more a difference between guys and girls than it does about a guy that's into you and one that's not. Even the fact that you mention the number of pages, the number of days in between, and the hour he goes to sleep is something that most guys don't keep track of.

Seriously, I think guys have a defective mechanism when it comes to keeping track of time, specially if we get involved in other things. A day (in our minds) turns into a week in the real world. It's scary. :)

Bottom line is, from a guy's point of view, you're over thinking the whole thing enormously.

And I do agree with your quote at the end. In fact, I say it here often enough: guys just can't sustain the attention they give you initially. It will decrease.
 

Do you know why this is my favorite website in the world? Because it gives girls the chance to vent and talk which we NEED...girls just need that...but in a very safe way and without looking too stupid since its annonymous. But I also think your advice is so easy to understand, and you dont sugar coat anything. I like that you just tell it how it is. And I think sometimes we need a wake up call. Honestly, it actually HELPS me to hear "You're overanalyzing the whole thing enormously." That type of honest feedback actually gives me insight as to how I need to modify my behavior and expectations, etc. And i talk to my girlfriends all the time about this stuff, but they just tell me what they think i want to hear. And a guys perspective sometimes just makes more sense. like what you were saying with how I brought up facts and figures such as days in between, pages...etc...How weird...but it hadnt even occured to me until you said it, that guys just think differently. Like I overanalyze it all, and keep a calendar, I print out and save the letters he writes me...read them over and over 15 times, LOL...where as he probably doesnt really think that much about it all. I tend to forget that guys live much more "in the moment" than girls do. Girls tend to view the "whole picture". (sometimes taking things that happened two years into consideration when looking at a current situation...LOL! We THINK too much! I think thats why sometimes I'll bring an issue up like that he hasn't been on IM in a while...and he looks at me blankly...and says "I havent? I was on not too long ago." He hasn't really been thinking about it, so he doesnt REALIZE its been 11 days. Guys are so much simpler, I envy that about them actually.And you're fast too. I think this site keeps me in check, so thanks!
 

I print out and save the letters he writes me...read them over and over 15 times, LOL...where as he probably doesnt really think that much about it all.

The reason you read them over and over is because you seek some measure of comfort by what he's said to you...in the past. 'Cause you're not getting that comfort and reassurance from him now.

Just as girls can learn to relax and not overanalyze, I don't think it's impossible for guys to learn that girls need regular reassurance on where they stand in a relationship. Esp since girls are the ones who develop all these horrible emotions and cry and need and want while guys can just go around dipping their wicks into any available pussy without any thought or care in the world.

Simple is not the word I would use.
 

Perhaps "Simple" isn't the word I was looking for. Thepoint I was trying to make is that in general guys seems to have a more care-free and go-with-the-flow type of approach to dating. I don't think that they get as wound up in details and I doubt that they analyze nearly as much as women. That is the approach I am hoping to take on in my own relationships with guys. I think the GOAL (as hard as it can be for girls like me who are such thinkers) is just to let-loose, have fun, enjoy the ride, relax and feel CONFIDENT AND SECURE without all the nitty gritty details that we worry so much about get in the way of doing so. (Eliminating the doubts, fears, overanalyzing, self-consciousness which can sound like "What did he mean by that?", "Why did he do that?" "Why didn't he....?" "Should I?" "What if?" "What was he implying?" "if I had only..." These self-doubting, paranoid conversations that girls like myself repeat in their heads over and over for no reason is UNHEALTHY and UNPRODUCTIVE. Especially in cases like my own, in which there is really nothing to worry about, but certain fears/past experiences simply cause me to expect problems even when all is good. Overall, I think guys are more likely to just sit back and enjoy the journey of dating, whereas women are more likely to get stressed by dating due to insecurity and unreasonable expectations/timelines which frankly we need to be willing to let go of. Let go, let flow.
 

My point is that girls are not the only half of the relationship that could stand to change a little bit. It takes two people to make a relationship work. If guys would learn to give a little more meaningful attention, then maybe girls could let go and flow a little more.

There's a hell of a lot of biology working against both sexes, but if both sides are willing to put in a little time and effort into understanding and responding to one another, then you can overcome quite a lot. And then things CAN be more relaxed and fun.
 

I do agree with you there Princess. It is certainly true that a relationship needs to be two sided and can only work if both people involved put in an equal effort. And you are correct that we each need to be sensitive to gender differences. That would make a great difference in understanding each other and the reasons for why we sometimes act as we do.
 

Follow-up by Monica:

Its me, Monica again from the "obsessed" submissions. Where we last left off, it seemed like he had starting dating that new girl from the bowling alley. About a week later, he removes all photos that have either me or his ex-girlfriend in them from his facebook page. I...hurt and feeling betrayed, send him an email saying he's an ass and tell him that I removed him from my friends list. I really did too. He responds saying some mean things in return...such as he never trusted me all that much anyways, and he doesn't think I'm a very caring person. WTF????? So I ignore him. He emails hours later, apologizing for sending that message...that what i had sent him made him really angry, and he should have waited til he cooled down a bit to write me back. (who cares if i made him angry? He made me cry when he romoved all photos of me from his page...its not like he was exactly gentle with MY feelings.) A few days later, I accidentally messaged him on aim. It really was on accident!(He and this other guy I know have Veeeeeeery similar screennames and I clicked the wrong one on accident.) Well, we get to talking, and I ask him why he took my photos off and tell him it really hurt me. He said people kept asking him what was going on with the 2 of us...(if we were dating) and the same with his ex (if they were getting back together)...which is why he took HER pics down too. He doesn't tell me if he is indeed dating this new girl but he seems to be, and that probably was part of it too. But why couldnt he just tell her that we werent dating instead of doing something so mean to me??? He said that when I sent him that letter that i told you about before, asking for distance, he thought it meant I didnt want to be friends anymore, so he also was considering me a part of his past. I told him that by "distance", I had only meant I needed a little time to think, not that I wanted to end our friendship. He says he must have misread it. A while ago (before he met this new girl) I told him, I was putting something together for his birthday....(it's like a collection of stuff representing all of our little inside jokes...)He asks today if he still gets his present on his birthda which is soon. I sarcastically say "and how do you soppose that I arrange that? Fed-Ex?" And he says "Why not give it to me in person?" So I say, "So, what exactly are the rules here now? Are we just online friends? Can we still hang out? Do we just hang out in groups or what? I'm a little confused." He says..."there are no rules." But I mean, won't his girlfriend (if she is in factthat) dislike us hanging out and exchanging personal gifts about our past? So I ask him that (Saying "won't a certain person have issues with it?") I say it like i told you, but I dont call her his girlfriend yet, because I'm not entirely sure that she is that yet...he is still listed on facebook as single)...He says "whatever issues she has with you and whatever issues you have with her, is between the 2 of you, not me. I don't want to even touch that." I'm very confused. He also requested me back to his friends list on facebook after I removed him. We left it as we should remain friendly because of the fact that we hang out with the same people and are definately going to run into each other from time to time. The boundaries are that we will not talk about specific people who have caused us issues in the past, and that we won't rehash the hurtful things we have each said or done to each other. But I have a feeling that remaining friends is not a good idea. He clearly still wants me around (he says we're hanging out again soon...), but if he's involved with another girl....I mean I still have a degree of feelings for this guy even though he has been a jerk lately....and this cant be healthy...but it IS true that because of our mutual friends we will still see each other often, so it sue gets tricky...Is there any way to make this situation healthier and more comfortable??????
 

Monica... Monica... Monica... "in a rut"... "stuck"... "going around in circles"... "marching in place"... take your pick, each of those describe you and this guy.

Maybe it's time to let go and look elsewhere, unless you simply like all the drama. Relationships are difficult in general, why look for one with someone that sounds at best ambivalent?

And what's this about using facebook status and position of pictures as some sort of statement to the point that it hurts you? Maybe it's generational, but sounds really silly to me.

No, Monica, there is no way of making you and this guy's entanglements easier. You know why? Because you want something that simply isn't there! There is no interest on his part to have a relationship with you. But you're going to stick around, poking, meddling, bothering, getting hurt, "accidentally" IMing him... I'm not even the guy and even I feel suffocated that you just can't get the hint.

You are obsessed, and that's THE problem. We're going around in circles about this too. You recognize that you have this issue and you do nothing about it but continue your obsession. If you're not willing to seek help to get over it, I'm afraid there's nothing else I can tell you other then this: the more you obsess over him, the more he's going to get saturated of you.
 

I would agree except for the fact that....if he's soooo suffocated by me, then why is HE the one asking me to hang out, why is HE the one leaving me random messages? I'm not the one pursuing at this point, even if all that he is pursuing is a friendship...

-Monica
 

Oh...and I know you don't believe that I am making efforts to move on, but...I just went on a date with a new guy yesterday, so i am trying...

-Monica
 

Hello, it's Dot. Yeah, I know what Monica is asking because I wondered the same thing about Matt- why was HE the one writing me constantly and flirting if I was the one who was suffocating him?

We hung out with 2 mutual friends last Sunday night. It went really well. But then...

Tuesday night the asshole invited me over to his house for "sex" and we flirted a bit online but then I didn't write back because it kinda made me feel crappy that he wanted me to go over for a booty call.

The next day he wouldn't answer my messages and finally he writes me and says "Oh I dunno, Dot, I'm in a kind of funk because I guess I was thinking I'd see if things were different by you coming down, but it's not a big deal. I understand you were tired and needed a babysitter and have your own doubts, so it's not even a big deal at all. I just don't feel like talking today so I'll talk to you later."

and he put his status as "Matt was hoping that things could be different just ONCE." and his mood was "disappointed."


Well, I flipped on him. Said a bunch of emotional stuff like how the heck was I supposed to know he was thinking more than sex after he told me and other people sooo many times that he hoped I wouldn't get the wrong idea with us being friends. I got into how badly he hurt me when we were together, how he damaged my self esteem and that I will never go back to that, that I realize I'm not a rotten person because I don't have a job, have Narcolepsy, and don't bring my son to a daycare.
I said I didn't know if I still loved him but I probably did because the thought of having sex with him seems like it'd be wonderful, but I'm not willing to get hurt and it would just kill me. I said a little bit about how I see now that I truly wasn't a bad girlfriend no matter what he says, that I didn't care what he did, I never went out, never cheated, etc. so I'm not going to feel bad about where we're at. I said I know he didn't mean to intentionally hurt me, but I feel so much better about myself now. I may have said that if he was thinking of wanting me back, he could do a lot more than a reply to an icognito status on myspace, such as call me, come to my house, be emotional. That he came to me practically begging for a friendship and even though I was sooo angry at him, I cared about him and couldn't say no but he didn't really deserve MY friendship. That he left me with the idea that he could find something better, and now that he's realized there isn't anything better, because I am a pretty cool girl, he's trying to get his foot back in the door but has so much pride he won't admit it. I told him that I never asked for much, I just wanted him to love me unconditionally, passionately, honestly, understanding and nonjudgmental...and that I didn't want to be his whole world, just his favorite part.

Sure, I said a lot of stuff that didn't need to be brought up, but I was emotional after reading that he invited me over for more than sex, how was I supposed to know??

And he wrote back and FLIPPED on me. Swore at me said I bashed him through that whole email and that he was crazy to think I could look past my own feelings just once. That I've always been a terrible friend and he was stupid to start thinking of the good things again blah blah. He was soooo MEAN though.

I couldn't believe he had responded with that, so I kept saying "are you seriously reacting this way to that emotional email I just sent?!"

and then he told me to fuck off, leave him alone if I can't accept things the way they are and be his friend, then leave him alone. FUCK OFF were his last words to me.

So I took him off my friend's list and shortly after he wrote a spiel about how he tried and tried but I hurt him when we were together and just meaningless crap, still swearing at me mind you, I don't think he went 2 words without using the F word.

So it's been 3 days and no contact. WTF is wrong with him?!
 

Oh My Gosh Dot! My guy's name is MATT as well! Ahaha! How funny! I wish I had some insight on your situation, but according to Victor and what he's implied, I don't understand men much...haha :-)
-Monica
 

Anyways, it's just been hard to accept that he's not all that into me...Even Victor thought he was!...so for him to meet and start dating someone new within a week and a half (when things had been near perfect til that point...just moving quite slowly)...It was quite a lot to process all at once...It's AMAZING to me how quickly guys can lose interest and move on. And now the situations reversed..I'd been hanging out with a new guy for a few weeks...and yesterday he texted he wanted to make our "relationship" officially boyfriend/girlfriend. But I just thought we were friends...He kept talking about this other girl, and I was honestly under the impression that he liked her. Now I feel like I sent mixed signals, but i didn't mean to! Now I have to be the one bringing the "just friends" speech up. Ahhhh! Well if he's like all the other guys out there, hopefully he will find a new chick and be over it in a week. LOL. Seriously, how do guys move on so quickly...With me and Matt (the one i've been writing about all along in the "obsessed" submissions)....we were ongoing for 7 months...and within a week of meeting this new chick...people are telling me their holding hands in public...and she's writing gushy "I miss you too" messages on his facebook wall...How did I get pushed to the side so F**in quickly? I think THAT's the hardest part....It's like "gee...i'm glad i meant so much to you..." I just feel stupid...But victor thought he seemed interested in me too, so clearly he WAS sending some mixed signals, maybe he was confused about what he wanted...who the crap knows
-Monica
 

That is pretty freaky! Matt and Matt.


And I know just what you mean, everything you write.

I just went and deleted my entire myspace account yesterday.

It would have been 4 years in August that I had it, almost 3000 comments, about 50 blogs, hundreds of pic comments...all down the drain because I freaked out over Matt putting a status up that "someone was trying to log in to his account and he knows who it was and it bugs him"

I was like "Screw this stupid myspace drama crap!"

....and now I really regret it.
Big time. I'm such a shortsighted, irrational, never think before I act-person. But it's too late now. So I have to GET OVER IT. lol

I started a new one because I started missing it already. Do you have a myspace?
 

Dot and Monica: you two should join our forum. It's easier to have a conversation style exchange of ideas and you get more people to give you their suggestions. Besides, we could use a few more members. :)
 

You know what is hilarious! I deleted MY myspace a while ago as well...It was just too much drama about him that drove me nuts...Of course, I still have him on facebook, but i can't get rid of facebook! Maybe, I will join the forum, if i can figure out how to...The good news is there is already a new guy expressing interest in me. Bad news is after one instant message conversation all he's told me is: his first name...we went to highschool together back in the day. (i graduated 2001, he graduated 2000), he had a crush on me, but didnt talk to me much back then as he was afraid to be rejected by me, we had 2 classes together...he wants to get to know me now...but he says he wants to see if i can figure out who he is, so he hasnt told me his last name...LOL, and I cant find my yearbooks! Haha...it's so stupid, but fun and also a distraction from Matt, so....who cares!

-Monica