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Friday, February 22, 2008
I ended up staying at his place
Submitted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008
By Lis, 23, from UK:
I met a guy at university, we are both post graduates. After going out together a few times for drinks I ended up staying at his place, nothing happened and we spent a few nights together like this... then it went further and shortly after we went away together for a week...during which he decided to call it off as he didn't feel ready for a relationship. He explained his ex girlfriend was on his mind as he had had a very rough time with her (she was depressed and had quite a few mental health problems which he went through with her) this was 18 months previous to our getting together, he told me what he went through with his ex had affected him more than he knew and was going to make an appointment with his GP to talk it over. Since then he has been away on research trips almost constantly. We met for lunch last week but it was very rushed as he had to see his supervisor and had arrived late. Anyway, upon my dropping him off he said he would call me when he got back from his next research trip. He has sent me an sms since then in reply to mine but he is still away and that is the only contact I've had with him. What I want to know is whether I should just give him space and let him come to me or whether I should keep in touch but keep it friendly and light hearted - afterall we have the rest of our lives to work it out! Would appreciate any imput from a someone who understands guys... he's older than me by 6 years but not particularly mature...and the more I don't hear from him the more bitter I get and the less able to be nice to him I find it! I haven't shown this to him yet but I haven't been as friendly/flirty as it was at the start either! please help!
VictorM's advice:
In this respect, a guy likes two things: 1) for the girl to not come across as needy or overbearing; 2) to know that she's into him. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to walk the fine line between both. Is it worth it? Only you can say. But remember the old adage: out of sight, out of mind.
I met a guy at university, we are both post graduates. After going out together a few times for drinks I ended up staying at his place, nothing happened and we spent a few nights together like this... then it went further and shortly after we went away together for a week...during which he decided to call it off as he didn't feel ready for a relationship. He explained his ex girlfriend was on his mind as he had had a very rough time with her (she was depressed and had quite a few mental health problems which he went through with her) this was 18 months previous to our getting together, he told me what he went through with his ex had affected him more than he knew and was going to make an appointment with his GP to talk it over. Since then he has been away on research trips almost constantly. We met for lunch last week but it was very rushed as he had to see his supervisor and had arrived late. Anyway, upon my dropping him off he said he would call me when he got back from his next research trip. He has sent me an sms since then in reply to mine but he is still away and that is the only contact I've had with him. What I want to know is whether I should just give him space and let him come to me or whether I should keep in touch but keep it friendly and light hearted - afterall we have the rest of our lives to work it out! Would appreciate any imput from a someone who understands guys... he's older than me by 6 years but not particularly mature...and the more I don't hear from him the more bitter I get and the less able to be nice to him I find it! I haven't shown this to him yet but I haven't been as friendly/flirty as it was at the start either! please help!
VictorM's advice:
In this respect, a guy likes two things: 1) for the girl to not come across as needy or overbearing; 2) to know that she's into him. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to walk the fine line between both. Is it worth it? Only you can say. But remember the old adage: out of sight, out of mind.
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nd the more I don't hear from him the more bitter I get and the less able to be nice to him
You probably felt like you built up some level of emotional intimacy with him, spending a week with someone so suddenly can lead to deep feelings very quickly.
And now? You have no idea what he's doing, who he's with, if he's having soup or fruit for dinner. It's these little things, knowing the daily stuff about someone that helps us maintain that little connection. Since you feel like the connection is cut, this explains why, even though you obviously like him, it becomes harder and harder to be nice to him.
Even in that short amt of time, you've formed an emotional attachment. It's only natural. You can let him know how you feel (don't use blaming language - you did this, etc.) and then let him know that you would be really happy to hear from him.
You probably felt like you built up some level of emotional intimacy with him, spending a week with someone so suddenly can lead to deep feelings very quickly.
And now? You have no idea what he's doing, who he's with, if he's having soup or fruit for dinner. It's these little things, knowing the daily stuff about someone that helps us maintain that little connection. Since you feel like the connection is cut, this explains why, even though you obviously like him, it becomes harder and harder to be nice to him.
Even in that short amt of time, you've formed an emotional attachment. It's only natural. You can let him know how you feel (don't use blaming language - you did this, etc.) and then let him know that you would be really happy to hear from him.
# posted by 
: 12:56 AM
: 12:56 AM
Thank you both for your imput - it is MUCH appreciated!
I cant decide whether to get in touch at the weekend just to let him know he can call me if he wants that i'm not ignoring him or whether to just leave it and hope he gets in touch anyway. hmm. boys! :)
I cant decide whether to get in touch at the weekend just to let him know he can call me if he wants that i'm not ignoring him or whether to just leave it and hope he gets in touch anyway. hmm. boys! :)
# posted by : 9:10 PM
: 9:10 PM
Not to be discouraging but a friend of mine went through a similar thing, however she was the ex girlfriend. The guy ended up completely unable to date other people because they had broken up prior to her "getting better" and he wasn't over her at all. He'd grown tired of the issues they had and just walked out, but his heart was still with her. He tried dating other people and ended up hurting a lot of them. He wasn't realizing that the things he did were much more meaningful to others. It wasn't intentional but before he could even handle being really close to someone he had to work out things with her. Note, they were apart for a really long time, but there was just some pull he felt.
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# posted by : 7:22 AM
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