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Thursday, January 24, 2008
I'm a very confused and stubborn girl
Submitted on Monday, January 21, 2008
By Lisa, 18, California:
Hi Victor, I'm a very confused and stubborn girl, I really need you advice on this one :)
So me and my boyfriend Brandon have been together for a total of about a year and a couple months. 4 months ago, me and him started to fight a lot so I broke up with him because I started having feelings for my long time friend Nelson. I still loved Brandon, because he was everything I wanted in a guy and we were both completely in love with each other, but I didn't think it was fair to him so I took a "break."
I wanted the "break" to be a time where I could get over Nelson, and learn to appreciate Brandon, but little did I know that another girl would come into Brandon's life. I was his first true love, his first everything to him (or so he would say) and a month into our breakup he started dating another girl named Laurie.
When I found this out, I got very jealous, and tried to get him back, but he was a very big jerk, told me to get out of his life and to never talk to him again. He explained how he had fallen for somebody else, and that me and him ever beeing together again was impossible. I was very hurt, confused and heartbroken. I thought after everything we had been through, how did he have the nerve to tell me to get out of his life? Well anyway, I sucked it in, and decided to ignore all contact with him. Him and Laurie were official and me and Nelson were official as well. But two weeks later, he started to send me text messages almost everynight. Another 2 weeks later, me and Nelson ended up breaking up and then I found out a week later that Brandon and Laurie broke up around the same time me and Nelson did as well. Neither me and Brandon knew that each other's relationship had ended so I saw it as a "sign."
A week later I bumped into him at one of my friend's party. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and everyone around us could see how in love we were after the month or two of being apart. We have been together ever since for about 2 months. But in the back of my mind, I can't help but keep remembering everything that he had said to me, and done to me 4 months ago. I think about it periodically and it still breaks my heart everytime. I really don't know what to do, I love him with all of my heart and I know he loves me too. I know I really need to forget about the past but the more I think about it, the farther away the fact of me and Brandon being together forever seems to get. I have already talked about the situation and what he had done and how much it hurt me, but I still just can't seem to let it go...please help Victor, am I suppose to end things with him because I just can't let this go? Or stay with him and have this in the back of my mind forever? Im very confused.
VictorM's advice:
What you need to recognize is that guys react to being hurt by fighting back. The more hurt they are, the harder they fight back. The meaner he was to you, the bigger the sign that he was deeply into you. Forget about his actual words -- guys will say whatever comes to mind to hurt the person who's causing them pain with total disregard for the truth. Yes, guys fight dirty. And the more hurt they hurt, the dirtier they fight.
What he really meant to say was that you broke his heart and he was in pain, but his male ego and guy upbringing didn't allow him to show that vulnerability. He covered it up by acting tough and being mean.
Take all the nasty things he said to you as a reflection of how much he was hurting that you broke up with him. In fact, for every nasty thing he said to you, you should smile knowing that he was indeed trying to tell you how much you hurt him and how much he missed you. He just did it in a guy sorta way.
Again, I say, forget the actual words he used when he was angry; the translations is: you broke his heart and he missed you.
By Lisa, 18, California:
Hi Victor, I'm a very confused and stubborn girl, I really need you advice on this one :)
So me and my boyfriend Brandon have been together for a total of about a year and a couple months. 4 months ago, me and him started to fight a lot so I broke up with him because I started having feelings for my long time friend Nelson. I still loved Brandon, because he was everything I wanted in a guy and we were both completely in love with each other, but I didn't think it was fair to him so I took a "break."
I wanted the "break" to be a time where I could get over Nelson, and learn to appreciate Brandon, but little did I know that another girl would come into Brandon's life. I was his first true love, his first everything to him (or so he would say) and a month into our breakup he started dating another girl named Laurie.
When I found this out, I got very jealous, and tried to get him back, but he was a very big jerk, told me to get out of his life and to never talk to him again. He explained how he had fallen for somebody else, and that me and him ever beeing together again was impossible. I was very hurt, confused and heartbroken. I thought after everything we had been through, how did he have the nerve to tell me to get out of his life? Well anyway, I sucked it in, and decided to ignore all contact with him. Him and Laurie were official and me and Nelson were official as well. But two weeks later, he started to send me text messages almost everynight. Another 2 weeks later, me and Nelson ended up breaking up and then I found out a week later that Brandon and Laurie broke up around the same time me and Nelson did as well. Neither me and Brandon knew that each other's relationship had ended so I saw it as a "sign."
A week later I bumped into him at one of my friend's party. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and everyone around us could see how in love we were after the month or two of being apart. We have been together ever since for about 2 months. But in the back of my mind, I can't help but keep remembering everything that he had said to me, and done to me 4 months ago. I think about it periodically and it still breaks my heart everytime. I really don't know what to do, I love him with all of my heart and I know he loves me too. I know I really need to forget about the past but the more I think about it, the farther away the fact of me and Brandon being together forever seems to get. I have already talked about the situation and what he had done and how much it hurt me, but I still just can't seem to let it go...please help Victor, am I suppose to end things with him because I just can't let this go? Or stay with him and have this in the back of my mind forever? Im very confused.
VictorM's advice:
What you need to recognize is that guys react to being hurt by fighting back. The more hurt they are, the harder they fight back. The meaner he was to you, the bigger the sign that he was deeply into you. Forget about his actual words -- guys will say whatever comes to mind to hurt the person who's causing them pain with total disregard for the truth. Yes, guys fight dirty. And the more hurt they hurt, the dirtier they fight.
What he really meant to say was that you broke his heart and he was in pain, but his male ego and guy upbringing didn't allow him to show that vulnerability. He covered it up by acting tough and being mean.
Take all the nasty things he said to you as a reflection of how much he was hurting that you broke up with him. In fact, for every nasty thing he said to you, you should smile knowing that he was indeed trying to tell you how much you hurt him and how much he missed you. He just did it in a guy sorta way.
Again, I say, forget the actual words he used when he was angry; the translations is: you broke his heart and he missed you.
Comments:
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Well thats kind of weird to do, but I can see why guys would do such a thing. Thank you, that helps me a lot actually...but another question I ask is, do you think and believe that it is possible for high school sweethearts to be together forever? And if so, how often does this happen? What are the main goals or keys to making this happen?
# posted by 
: 3:59 AM
: 3:59 AM
It happens, of course, but it's becoming more and more difficult than it used to be.
In years past, for several reasons (limited traveling, people staying close to home, dependency by the woman for a provider, keeping the family together, fewer temptations in the work place, everyone knowing everyone) it was more common. These days, with high school sweethearts often going to colleges many states away, meeting new people from all kinds of places, etc. the challenges are bigger.
Instead of worrying about whether you'll be together next year, or the next decade, or "till death"... why not just focus on sharing your love today and making it the best day together possible? Get up tomorrow morning and do it again. And again. And again.
Worrying too much about the future actually has more a tendency to screw-up the future than help it. Love/relationships are too unpredictable and subject to too many factors for you to have much control over their outcome. Your best bet is to enjoy it as much as possible now.
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In years past, for several reasons (limited traveling, people staying close to home, dependency by the woman for a provider, keeping the family together, fewer temptations in the work place, everyone knowing everyone) it was more common. These days, with high school sweethearts often going to colleges many states away, meeting new people from all kinds of places, etc. the challenges are bigger.
Instead of worrying about whether you'll be together next year, or the next decade, or "till death"... why not just focus on sharing your love today and making it the best day together possible? Get up tomorrow morning and do it again. And again. And again.
Worrying too much about the future actually has more a tendency to screw-up the future than help it. Love/relationships are too unpredictable and subject to too many factors for you to have much control over their outcome. Your best bet is to enjoy it as much as possible now.
You are not on Ask A Real Guy's Home Page.
Click here to return to Ask A Real Guy's home page where you can submit your own question or read the most recent Questions+Answers.
