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Monday, January 28, 2008
At the beginning, I thought he was The One
Submitted on Thursday, January 24, 2008
By christy, 23, from MN:
I dated a good friend for almost 2 years. At the beginning, I thought he was The One. After about a year, everything he did began to irritate me, and he was no longer the same person I fell in love with. I stuck it out for a while, but eventually had to leave him. I pretty much decided on my own that I didn't love him anymore and that I wanted to be single. From his point of view, it probably seems like I just dumped him without warning, and without explanation.
It's now been almot 2 years since we ended our relationship.
1. I know he still has feelings for me so I tried to distance myself
2. He said a lot of nasty things to me, and I sort of wrote him off.
3. He keeps apologizing, saying he no longer has feelings, and wants to be friends... but he always messes it up... I.e: Getting jealous of my/our mutual guy friends whom I've known since before him... accusing his own friends of sleeping with me... sleeping with an 'archenemy' of mine... drinking himself into oblivion and saying rude, nasty, horribly mean things to me... spreading rumors about my personal life to our mutual friends...
4. Why does he do and say these stupid, immature things? Even all our friends (and his!) remark that he is out of line.
5. Everytime he does something like that, he apologizes and say he's over his feelings and wants to be friends.
6. Each time I get over it. I just chalk it up to his immaturity, drinking, and I guess the 'trauma' of me leaving him. I forgive his rudeness and try to act civilized around him. Then he does it again.
We've tried to remain friends, but why is it so hard?! He is moody, vulnerable, and immature. There is no way I would get back together with him and he knows this. Why is he lashing out in such ways? Is there anything I can do to reassure him that I care about him as a person, as a friend? Should I forget about it and say screw him? I want to help him 'get over me' but I'm probably not the right person for the job- huh?
VictorM's advice:
As for his nasty words to you, I covered this is a recent question and answer:
What you need to recognize is that guys react to being hurt by fighting back. The more hurt they are, the harder they fight back. The meaner he was to you, the bigger the sign that he was deeply into you. Forget about his actual words -- guys will say whatever comes to mind to hurt the person who's causing them pain with total disregard for the truth. Yes, guys fight dirty. And the more hurt they hurt, the dirtier they fight.
If you keep forgiving him and accepting him for all the nasty things he does, why should he stop? You're enabling his rotten behavior. Stop being his friend! Friends don't treat friends like he treats you. Learn to recognize when someone is too toxic and doesn't belong in your inner circle of friends.
By the way, he didn't change from when you first met him; you just didn't see his true self for a while.
By christy, 23, from MN:
I dated a good friend for almost 2 years. At the beginning, I thought he was The One. After about a year, everything he did began to irritate me, and he was no longer the same person I fell in love with. I stuck it out for a while, but eventually had to leave him. I pretty much decided on my own that I didn't love him anymore and that I wanted to be single. From his point of view, it probably seems like I just dumped him without warning, and without explanation.
It's now been almot 2 years since we ended our relationship.
1. I know he still has feelings for me so I tried to distance myself
2. He said a lot of nasty things to me, and I sort of wrote him off.
3. He keeps apologizing, saying he no longer has feelings, and wants to be friends... but he always messes it up... I.e: Getting jealous of my/our mutual guy friends whom I've known since before him... accusing his own friends of sleeping with me... sleeping with an 'archenemy' of mine... drinking himself into oblivion and saying rude, nasty, horribly mean things to me... spreading rumors about my personal life to our mutual friends...
4. Why does he do and say these stupid, immature things? Even all our friends (and his!) remark that he is out of line.
5. Everytime he does something like that, he apologizes and say he's over his feelings and wants to be friends.
6. Each time I get over it. I just chalk it up to his immaturity, drinking, and I guess the 'trauma' of me leaving him. I forgive his rudeness and try to act civilized around him. Then he does it again.
We've tried to remain friends, but why is it so hard?! He is moody, vulnerable, and immature. There is no way I would get back together with him and he knows this. Why is he lashing out in such ways? Is there anything I can do to reassure him that I care about him as a person, as a friend? Should I forget about it and say screw him? I want to help him 'get over me' but I'm probably not the right person for the job- huh?
VictorM's advice:
As for his nasty words to you, I covered this is a recent question and answer:
What you need to recognize is that guys react to being hurt by fighting back. The more hurt they are, the harder they fight back. The meaner he was to you, the bigger the sign that he was deeply into you. Forget about his actual words -- guys will say whatever comes to mind to hurt the person who's causing them pain with total disregard for the truth. Yes, guys fight dirty. And the more hurt they hurt, the dirtier they fight.
If you keep forgiving him and accepting him for all the nasty things he does, why should he stop? You're enabling his rotten behavior. Stop being his friend! Friends don't treat friends like he treats you. Learn to recognize when someone is too toxic and doesn't belong in your inner circle of friends.
By the way, he didn't change from when you first met him; you just didn't see his true self for a while.
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