Submitted on Sunday, December 16, 2007
By anonymous, 17, from NJ:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months. We don't have any problems except for one - his ex. Ever since we started dating, I didn't think much of the relationship but the first time he told me he was going to dinner with her I told him I wouldn't be played for a fool. He ended up not going and I went out with my friends. Ever since then there have been incidents where she texts him in front of me. I started arguing with him, and he claims they are just friends. My whole life I believed an Ex bf/gf can't be that good of friends unless none of them still has feelings. One of my friends hooked up with her about a year ago. He said the only reason they didn't continue hooking up was because "she doesn't talk with guys, she flirts to the point where it's annoying." He said she kept trying to grab his goods and he's usually not the type to turn it down, but he said it was too much. My boyfriend and I have gotten into some big fights because of her. He said he will not stop talking to her because he is good friends with her and that I should trust him. I do, I just don't trust her. That's what I tell him. She also tried to add me a couple of times on facebook, and I'm really fed up. I'm not intimidated by her, I'm really annoyed. I don't want them talking because it makes me look dumb, and my ego is bruised because she thinks she's getting away with it. Please help.

VictorM's advice:

I always argue that exes should stay civil and friendly with each other at best, but not remain good friends. Although your reasons for not wanting him to talk to her reveal more about your insecurities than anything else, he nevertheless should take that into account. Any boyfriend who argues with the current girlfriend over the ex, and refuses to accommodate his girlfriend's feelings, leaves a lot of room for suspicion. His inability to let go of her is troubling. It certainly puts into question is commitment to you and yes, he's allowing her to boast at your expense. Not cool of him!

In this case, the issue is not trust, it's respect and commitment. He's choosing to hurt your feelings and put into question how much he's committed to your relationship. Why would a legitimate boyfriend ever want to do that to her girlfriend he loves? He wouldn't.

If he wants to stand on principle, he's taking the wrong side. The right thing to do would be to tell her that you come first and he's not going to allow her to cause friction in your relationship instead of arguing with you over his friendship with her.

What you're asking for is not unreasonable. Frankly, you shouldn't even have to ask him; he should do it on his own. If he doesn't understand that, then I have to correct the title of this question; your problem is not the ex, it's him!