Submitted on Thursday, December 13, 2007
By Mariana, 22, from Argentina:

Getting tired of me? jeje Sorry I'll try to keep it short.

Things with my boyfriend are going really great, so great that I'm spending New Year's Eve with his family 500km away from my hometown and he’s coming tomorrow to meet my parents.
The problem is that I'm too influenced by my parents and they think I’m not handling my relationship well. Why? Because I go over his place a lot and I give excuses for him when we don’t’ go out (not enough money, or study is the way), they think I’m making it “too easy” for him.

Truth is when my dad first met my mom, he was so determined to be with her that he finally achieved it. During their relationship my dad used to pick my mom up from work everyday (60km away even when he had no car) and took her to places. And when he had no money for gas or to take her somewhere, he somehow managed to get it and my mom never knew about that. My dad is just like that: Whenever he wants or has to do something he works his ass off to get it.

Well… my boyfriend isn’t like that at all. He’s somewhat spoiled because his parents give him money weekly to take care of expenses here while he studies but has no idea of what saving is like. He spends it and then doesn’t know where the money went! (Generally the spending is on me). So it happened a few times (2 in 7 months) that we just drove around in my dad’s car on a Saturday night because of that.

Anyway… I know he loves me and deeply cares about me. His “flaws” are just a matter of growing up I guess and yes, I wish he learnt how to be more responsible, but that’s not an issue. My issue are my parents right now. They make me feel like I’m behaving like a girl with no values just because I go over his place often (mostly to hang out and watch some TV). I told them that I did that because my mom doesn’t want him in her house unless he’s “properly introduced” as my boyfriend and that I wouldn’t do that after dating for a couple of months.
I really don’t know how to stop caring about what they think and start taking care only of my relationship.

Thanks for the time and sorry for my constant appearance.

VictorM's advice:

Where would I be without regular "customers"? :) I'm glad you're sticking around.

Every generation thinks that they are better than the next one. That's why we have expressions like "the good old days" and "they don't make them like they used to." Clearly, that's utter nonsense. Your father climbed the tallest mountain and swam the deepest sea. Sure! Do you really think he's going to tell you how many times he screwed up and how many dumb things he did as a teenage boy? Of course not. Selective memory will take care of that. You know, it's possible that your father's parents didn't think he was so smart spending all his hard earned money on a girl who lived so far away. Who knows, to them maybe your father was irresponsible.

Look, your father did what he did because he had to! He was a product of his time. Your boyfriend's actions are different, but like your father, he's a product of his times. It's just that times have changed. It's just that simple. That's not to say that some people aren't more aggressive than others, but different people get what they want different ways, according to their personalities. Your father is a good guy, no doubt. Your boyfriend is one too. They are just different from each other.

Now, how to deal with your parents?

The first thing is to realize that they mean well. They want the best for you and that's why they speak up. The second thing to realize is your parents are seeing things through a world that doesn't reflect todays economy, sensibilities, and sexual freedoms. Your father didn't do anything more extraordinary than to live by the rules of his day. Those rules have changed.

This is how you deal with them. Sit down with them and say:

Mom and dad, I have been thinking about what you have been saying about my boyfriend and me, and I want to say that I see your point(1). I'm asking for you to help me(2) deal with this situation but in a way that does not cause serious problem between my boyfriend and me(3). I need you to give me ideas and suggestions(4) and then please allow me deal with him(5) giving me enough time to make necessary changes slowly rather than causing upheaval(6).

So, what have we got here?

(1) You "see their point", means you understand what they're saying, it doesn't mean you agree. In fact, make sure you don't say you "agree", unless you actually do agree. Use phrases like "I understand", "I know what you mean", "I see your point", "that's an interesting view", etc.

(2) The moment you say you seek their help, you stop the conversation from being confrontational and they become your team mates, your allies. Life will get easier in a hurry.

(3) You have accepted their help, which now allows for you to make a demand acceptable to them. Your demand is that you don't want to do anything that will ruin the relationship. This is something they will understand and accept. In reality, this will buy you time.

(4) Make them "walk the walk and talk the talk". Make them think of real helpful solutions rather than just mumbling things that are unrelated to today's world. Now you get to tell them: "um... I don't know if that's a good idea". They are on the defensive now because they have to come up with specifics.

(5) This is a very nice way of saying "I love you but... back off my life".

(6) You're being very responsible here, but in fact, this is yet another way of giving yourself more time.

This is a little gimmicky, but not deceitful. It's a technique that works in all walks of life to diffuse confrontation and encourage cooperation.

You really don't want to lie to your parents. I suggest that you somewhat discuss some of this with your boyfriend (go only into as much detail as you deem appropriate) so that if your mother asks if you talked to him, you can say: "we have started to talk about it" without lying to her. And hey, if they have good suggestions, great, maybe you can use them.

Taking this approach you are doing your parents a big favor because more than anything, they want the peace of mind of knowing that they did all they could for their daughter. Nothing will make then happier than knowing you're taking their advice. They'll pat themselves on the back that they raised their daughter right and they will sleep better for it. Don't you want them to sleep well? Of course you do. :)

So, how long can you drag out "talking" to your boyfriend about these things? Probably until you get married and have kids, if you play it just right.

Oh, and when you get to be your mother's age, you will rub in your kids' faces how wonderful their father was, how he had to overcome so much adversity to be with you, and how they don't understand how difficult life was in your day now that they can travel to London is 2 hours, fly their little hovermobiles to each other's houses, and have never heard of power cords and ethernet cables.

Oh, and Velez Sarsfield will still be looking for their first championship title since 2005. :-p

(Darn, this was a long answer) :)