Submitted on Thursday, December 27, 2007
By Maria, 25:

I have been dating this guy since about September, but he's not yet my boyfriend. We haven't even kissed yet, and I guess we are both free to see other people if we wanted to. (I'm not seeing anyone else, he says he isn't either...I'm not sure if that's true though, and I'll explain why as the letter goes on.) I wondered if this part was weird though...he still keeps in touch with his ex-girl friend. (they broke up almost a year ago) I don't just mean like a text here or there...they actually still hang out together...I don't think they ever go out alone anymore, but I know that they go out together with groups. They have the same group of friends. (It seems at least monthly.) I am kind of weirded out by this, but don't know if I should be. My sister says that she knows a lot of people who stay friends with their ex-es, but I never have...and I'm not sure it is a good idea. I worry that something could re-kindle even though he has always referred to her as his ex, which makes me think "Ok..he sees it as over..his past." But then why is she still around??? Ok and then the other night...he was hanging out with me at my place...he got a text at 1:00 in the morning. I took his phone and was like "Can I see who it is?" He was like "Go for it." So I read the text which was from a girl...It just said "What are you doing?" or something like that. When I asked who she was, he was like "She's just this girl I know...I hardly ever talk to her." Oh puh-leeze! This girl he hardly ever talks to is texting him at 1 in the morning??? So I was like (In a playful, teasing way..) "What, she's just your 1:00 booty call then?" He just laughed and was like "Whatever you say...she's just this girl I know." So I dropped it, because he wasn't revealing anything anyways. What's your take on this all? I feel slightly jealous of the other girls because I really want to progress to a more exclusive state with this guy at some point...but are these girls a threat? Should I be concerned? I want to ask him, but your advice to others on here says don't get too girly...don't ask the dreaded question about where things are headed...So how long do I have to wait before it's appropriate? Should I be dating others in the meantime just in case his intentions aren't the same as mine? Is he into me? Oooohhhh...so many questions!!!!

VictorM's advice:

You are dating this guy, but you're not in a relationship. Heck, after 3 months you still haven't even kissed. Who he sees is frankly none of your business.

Other girls are not an impediment to you hooking up with him -- you are! Your jealousy, insecurity, and general lack of trust is more likely to push him away than any other girl.

I always say that exes are evil and should be avoided, but I also think exes are not enemies that one should discard easily. Many couples break-up in good terms recognizing that the partner is a good person, just not a good romantic partner. His ex is not a carrier of some communicable disease that he should avoid at all costs. He has a group of friends that he hangs out and she's part of that group. It is not a problem because he doesn't have a new girlfriend yet.

As for the girl texting him, why is he responsible for her actions? He didn't text her, she texted him. Besides, one of the advantages of texting is that it's not as intrusive as a phone call, so the time of the message is a reflection of her sleeping habits, not his.

He said she's just a girl he knows. And his ex is just part of a group he hangs out. Not accepting his word at face value without concrete evidence to the contrary says more about your views on trust than it says about him. You should work on this aspect of your personality because that's one of the things that smart guys pick up on. Lack of trust is a relationship killer.

After 3 months and still no kiss? After asking about the text girl and him saying "Whatever..." clearly not worried about what you think? Oh puh-leeze! Do not ask where your dating is headed because I'm not even sure you're at the starting line. Until that changes, date others.