Submitted on Friday, December 28, 2007
By k, 45, from il:

I am divorced and dating/living with a wonderful man for 4 years (he has never been married but was in a 18 year relationship). We are not kids - 45 and 51. I really love him and he loves me. We have known each other since I was 16 and always got along and had fun together.
I am ready for marriage although I never thought I would marry again. We are both Catholic and both families are very happy we are together. We just spent Christmas together (families and all). He does not want to marry but does not like to talk about it. I already knew this from before (18 yr relationship. I truly didn't think marriage would ever be in my vocabulary again but I know that we do love each other (he is super in every way) and we are both not getting younger - I want to! Financially, we are both set in our long term good jobs so that is not an issue. I take him not wanting to marry as he does not love me "enough". He says that is not true but............ Help?

VictorM's answer:

Marriage is a legal commitment; love has nothing to do with it (even if most people who do it are in love).

Gaging how much he loves you by whether he's willing to marry, specially at your ages, is a very poor way of doing it. After all, some people marry for reasons having nothing to do with love: money, status, politics, convenience, tax deductions, etc. And lots of married people hate each other. Conversely, many couples who have lived for many years in love never marry. Some, in fact --gays and lesbians -- haven't even been allowed to marry.

Look for another reason why he doesn't want to marry. There's enough reason to believe degree of love for you may not be it.