Submitted on Saturday, November 10, 2007
by Julie, from PA:

Hi Victor--you were kind enough to answer my inquiry previously about meeting a man on the net-everything was great in person, and then he acted weird about needing 'his space' after. Well, you shed some light on the subject for me. And a female friend said all along that he was into me and afraid of his feelings for me and that he would be back. Well, strangely enough, he has popped back into my life this week and claims to have disappeared because of his feelings, that he does not understand these feelings, and that these feelings scared him, etc. Well, he saw what I looked like at the present and said: "your sooo hot, sooo beautiful, you look amazing. And have you been working out a lot, lately?"

He stated it was time to talk and he reminded me he had said previously that "he needed time--not forever". He also asked if I had slept with anyone since that talk, I said almost one time... and he got really mad, demanding to know who, why and that "you know better than to sleep with anyone else". This was just a mere few days ago.

Today, he went out to the bar and got drunk. Now he claims that he came back into my life in the past few days to 'humor me' and that I need to get over him. I asked why he even came into my life again and he said over guilt. I said then why did you want to drive several hours to see me this weekend? He said, I was just humoring you. OK, Victor, I am not bragging because I have low self-esteem but I constantly get compliments from men, saying that I am hot and beautiful. So, I don't think I repulse the guy, but why is he playing such games?

Today, sober, he still wants nothing to do with me and wants me to tell him goodbye just 24 hours after all that other stuff?! I just DON'T GET IT. Doesn't add up in my book. Please shed some light on this. Oh, he is younger--I am in my 30's and he is in his 20's. Why act one way sober and a completely different way drunk --all within 24 hrs? So, what is the bottom line, is he into me or not?

Thanks sooo very much! Julie.

VictorM's advice:

(Julie, I combined portions of your two submissions into one.)

When you want to know someone's true personality, get them drunk!

You know how kids say what's on their mind? Well, parents, teachers, family members, older siblings, authority figures, etc. spend enormous energy telling us what's wrong with being too blunt. So, over the years we are forced to comply with laws, rules, and other social norms forced on through threats of punishment, actual punishment, and embarrassment. As a result, most of us cover our natural tendencies with many inhibitions. Among other things, we learn to not be rude, to not hurt people, to give up our seat to older folks, to say please and thank you, to not hurt girls, to control our temper, to refrain from cursing, etc, etc.

So when a guy is dealing with a girl he acts on the inhibitions he was exposed to over his life. Guys learn that girls are sensitive, cry when sad, and get their feelings hurt easily. We're also made to feel guilty if we make a girl cry.

Now enter alcohol. What does that do? It removes the layers of inhibitions we built over the years as a result of society norms; inhibitions that have served to suppress our natural personalities. We, in essence, become children when we're drunk.

So the guy who becomes an obnoxious drunk will become more and more obnoxious the more comfortable he is around you. The violent drunk is a ticking time bomb even if well-mannered when sober. The usually shy person may become the life of the party. And the guy who wouldn't dare to make a girl cry by telling her directly how he feels about her, tells her how he truly feels.

Bottom line: he's not into you.

You're a lucky girl, Julie. His anger at you for saying you almost slept with another guy, and his persistence wanting to know who, was a peak into his controlling and jealous personality. You dodged a bullet because the more you got to know him the more the nice guy personality would give way to his darker side.