Submitted on Tuesday, November 20, 2007
By sara, 28, from uk:

I started off having a no string thing with a guy...it was only supposed to be a few times before I moved away. However my travel plans have fallen through and we've ended up seeing each other 1-2 times a week for the last 2+ months. We talk practically every day either through msn or texts.

About a month ago he said that he really likes me and said maybe we should start a relationship. I was a bit shocked at this...and didn't react that well as I was a little sarcastic and defensive back to him. Mainly because I've been hurt in the past and was wary of whether he actually meant this or was just playing games with me etc. I told him that I liked him too...and we both joked that we would have to move away because work would mess us up (we work in the same place).

Since then he's made comments about how we should really be 'seeing each other' by now...how I'm his 'ideal woman'...etc etc. He's also asked me over to his just for a 'cuddle' too...and we've not had sex. He also 'warned' a guy off that was messaging me on facebook...something which I didn't really ask him to do...

He contradicts himself though in that he talks about being single forever and that he'll never find himself in a relationship again. Last Sunday we spent a nice eve together just cuddling and talking. He made a joke about having a humping ban (no sex)...so in the afternoon I text him to say do you think this humping ban will help me get over the crush I have for you? Or will it make me want you more? ;)..... He text back saying there had better be no feelings or crushes getting involved!!!

We text back and forth....with me saying that I liked him and I was bored with just playing about and that it would be nice to spend some more time together...and that maybe it was best that we just remained friends so I can go and find myself a partner in crime...his texts said...that me or no one else will get him in a relationship for a long time and that he can't or won't have feelings for anyone. The last text I sent him said that I wasn't asking for a relationship....was just asking for a bit more than hooking up on the weekends. He hasn't replied to that text.

This is the first time I've ever brough up us being something more....it's usually him saying things like 'we should do this more often'...he bought me a toothbrush....left things at my house...etc... I've been so careful not to blur the lines etc but he has.

So what does all this mean?? I know he was really hurt in his last relationship and has been through a lot the last few years with his dad dying etc....but is he just saying to me...I don't want anything more with you than what we have? On Sunday he even asked me to go to a concert with him...so him responding to my texts the way he has has made no sense to me.

What should I do next?? I really do like him and we have the best time with each other. It just seems like such a shame to not spend more time together just to see what develops you know? I thought it was better to be honest with him because I was starting to feel uncomfortable with things. So why has he suggested a relationhip at the beginning? Why bring up things about us seeing each other? Asking me over just to cuddle? and then when I tell him that I like him he gets all defensive and totally dismisses the idea?

VictorM's advice:

Why is he defensive? Let's see, using your own words... when he brought up a relationship, you "didn't react that well as I was a little sarcastic and defensive", you talked about wanting to "get over a crush" for him (crush = very childish, non-committal language), you then told him that "maybe it was best that we just remained friends so I can go and find myself a partner in crime", and the last text to him you said "I wasn't asking for a relationship".

Starting with that last quote, how can you say that you have been honest with the guy? That simply is not true. You have been a bag of mixed messages, using words like "crush" and "like", joking about work, joking about getting another guy, and starting the whole thing with no strings, and now you're puzzled as to why he's defensive?

You want to be honest with him? Then tell him you've been an idiot with your responses, jokes, deflections, innuendo, childish language, and defensiveness. Tell him you want a relationship. Commit yourself to what you say you want by being direct with him. Give him an honest and direct opportunity to commit to you or to turn you down. End the games!

Clearly he has done enough to let you know that he's serious about being with you. You're the one pussyfooting around the issue.