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Sunday, November 25, 2007
I feel like he puts time with his friends above me
Submitted on Friday, November 23, 2007
By Am I crazy?, 20, from USA:
I dated a guy for a year and a half, we separated for a few months and tried to date other people, but ended up getting back together. We've been back together about a month and a half, without any hint of unresolvable incident (we've had one disagreement that was resolved within minutes, both of us compromising). I do have one issue however. I feel like he puts time with his friends above me. I know he needs time to be with his friends and I've had no problem with him being with his friends, I use that time to get work done and do my own things. But he...I dunno, just seems like time with his friends is more special than time with me. For example, the other night we had tentative plans and as soon as his friends came along, he canceled ours. He invited me along but made it clear the time was for his friends, not for me and if I wasn't having fun, I should just leave. I just feel like I'm losing out to these friends. That he likes them better and values their time more than mine. Another thing is that at the end of the year I'm leaving for about 6 months and he told me that he is going abroad for spring break. I asked if he would visit me and he said he would probably be going to Cancun with his friends. Again, I don't begrudge him for wanting friend time, but he will be seeing them everyday for those six months and I'd like to see him for one week. Is it unreasonable for me to feel this way?
VictorM's advice:
It's not unreasonable at all for you to want to see him, but he has been very direct about where you stand in the pecking order and you don't rate very high. Considering the background you described, it's not likely to improve.
For crying out loud, you're only 20 years old. Get a hold of your dignity and get your behind out there looking for someone who cares about you.
I dated a guy for a year and a half, we separated for a few months and tried to date other people, but ended up getting back together. We've been back together about a month and a half, without any hint of unresolvable incident (we've had one disagreement that was resolved within minutes, both of us compromising). I do have one issue however. I feel like he puts time with his friends above me. I know he needs time to be with his friends and I've had no problem with him being with his friends, I use that time to get work done and do my own things. But he...I dunno, just seems like time with his friends is more special than time with me. For example, the other night we had tentative plans and as soon as his friends came along, he canceled ours. He invited me along but made it clear the time was for his friends, not for me and if I wasn't having fun, I should just leave. I just feel like I'm losing out to these friends. That he likes them better and values their time more than mine. Another thing is that at the end of the year I'm leaving for about 6 months and he told me that he is going abroad for spring break. I asked if he would visit me and he said he would probably be going to Cancun with his friends. Again, I don't begrudge him for wanting friend time, but he will be seeing them everyday for those six months and I'd like to see him for one week. Is it unreasonable for me to feel this way?
VictorM's advice:
It's not unreasonable at all for you to want to see him, but he has been very direct about where you stand in the pecking order and you don't rate very high. Considering the background you described, it's not likely to improve.
For crying out loud, you're only 20 years old. Get a hold of your dignity and get your behind out there looking for someone who cares about you.
Comments:
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I assume he's the same age as you are, which would explain a lot. In most people late teens and early twenties, their friends mean the world to them.
You have only been back together for a month. They have been friends throughout all of this, and probably longer than the two of you have been dating. They are consistant, and he doesn't expect anything to go wrong there.
Obviously your relationship has had hurdles to overcome, for both of you. He may be trying to avoid more conflict with you, he may just enjoy his friends company more than yours. He may just not even see it as a problem. Who knows?
You need to decide whether or not you can deal with this behaviour, because you aren't going to be able to change him, so don't even try.
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You have only been back together for a month. They have been friends throughout all of this, and probably longer than the two of you have been dating. They are consistant, and he doesn't expect anything to go wrong there.
Obviously your relationship has had hurdles to overcome, for both of you. He may be trying to avoid more conflict with you, he may just enjoy his friends company more than yours. He may just not even see it as a problem. Who knows?
You need to decide whether or not you can deal with this behaviour, because you aren't going to be able to change him, so don't even try.
You are not on Ask A Real Guy's Home Page.
Click here to return to Ask A Real Guy's home page where you can submit your own question or read the most recent Questions+Answers.
