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Monday, November 26, 2007
He still pines for that adulterous wench
Submitted on Saturday, November 24, 2007
By Deb, 45, from Arizona:
Hey there. I was referred here by some folks on the lifted hearts site. They said you'd give blunt and accurate answers to the "why," about guys. If you get time, I'd appreciate it.
My guy, also 45, has been divorced three years, we've been together two. He still pines for that adulterous wench. I'm paying for her treachery as he is often withdrawn, sad, and outright depressed. He's been depressed for three years, when might it end? I'm getting really sick of hearing about, "Saint Susan," he deifies her as being such a wonderful person. She ran off and slept with her old boyfriend, talked my bf out of $70K to "start her new life," with said boyfriend. Got to hand it to her, the bitch is a great actress. Why does he pine for this deceitful, two-faced, goody-two-shoes?
Thanks, Deb
VictorM's advice:
To him, she's more than one indiscretion or a bunch of flaws. She is the woman he had dreams with and saw himself with for all eternity. They shared many good moments, I'm sure. He recognizes that no one is perfect, and that imperfections do not make us worthless. You need to learn this lesson.
Keep calling her names and soon you will be history too. When you insult her, you insult his past, his feelings, his life, his choices, his dreams, and you step on his disappointment. You have no right to plaster her flaws on his face; he knows them all too well.
He's sad and depressed because he recognizes that there is no way back to her. If he thought there was a chance, he wouldn't be so depressed. He knows that even if they could get back together, the magic is gone. So he's not missing the woman she is now; he's missing the person she once was, at least in his mind and in his heart. Really, it's not even the physical person he misses (as physical beings we try to point to flesh and bones), what he really misses are the kind of feelings he felt when he was deeply in love. He's like a drug addict without his fix. And it takes a lot of time to get over the person you were going to love for all eternity, more so when it's because of betrayal.
You aren't helping! When you push so hard to have her removed from his mind, you're pushing away his ability to love. That's because right now that woman represents all that he knows love is. You shouldn't be going after her, you should be going after his ability to feel that way again. A man who loved that deeply is capable of loving that deeply again.
Respect her not for what she is but for what she means to him.
Hey there. I was referred here by some folks on the lifted hearts site. They said you'd give blunt and accurate answers to the "why," about guys. If you get time, I'd appreciate it.
My guy, also 45, has been divorced three years, we've been together two. He still pines for that adulterous wench. I'm paying for her treachery as he is often withdrawn, sad, and outright depressed. He's been depressed for three years, when might it end? I'm getting really sick of hearing about, "Saint Susan," he deifies her as being such a wonderful person. She ran off and slept with her old boyfriend, talked my bf out of $70K to "start her new life," with said boyfriend. Got to hand it to her, the bitch is a great actress. Why does he pine for this deceitful, two-faced, goody-two-shoes?
Thanks, Deb
VictorM's advice:
To him, she's more than one indiscretion or a bunch of flaws. She is the woman he had dreams with and saw himself with for all eternity. They shared many good moments, I'm sure. He recognizes that no one is perfect, and that imperfections do not make us worthless. You need to learn this lesson.
Keep calling her names and soon you will be history too. When you insult her, you insult his past, his feelings, his life, his choices, his dreams, and you step on his disappointment. You have no right to plaster her flaws on his face; he knows them all too well.
He's sad and depressed because he recognizes that there is no way back to her. If he thought there was a chance, he wouldn't be so depressed. He knows that even if they could get back together, the magic is gone. So he's not missing the woman she is now; he's missing the person she once was, at least in his mind and in his heart. Really, it's not even the physical person he misses (as physical beings we try to point to flesh and bones), what he really misses are the kind of feelings he felt when he was deeply in love. He's like a drug addict without his fix. And it takes a lot of time to get over the person you were going to love for all eternity, more so when it's because of betrayal.
You aren't helping! When you push so hard to have her removed from his mind, you're pushing away his ability to love. That's because right now that woman represents all that he knows love is. You shouldn't be going after her, you should be going after his ability to feel that way again. A man who loved that deeply is capable of loving that deeply again.
Respect her not for what she is but for what she means to him.
Comments:
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You shouldn't be going after her, you should be going after his ability to feel that way again.
Any tips on how I can do this?
Any tips on how I can do this?
If he didn't have this past, didn't have this depression, how would your relationship be? You wouldn't be insulting his ex's, and you wouldn't hate this part of his history.
You'd be sharing your time and yourself with him as you would with any other person.
Your hatred for this woman, and what your man has turned into has clouded how you react in your relationship. It's that that needs to change. By all means, hate the woman, but your man doesn't need to hear about it. She's part of him, wether you like it or not.
You said he divorced three years ago, but you've been together two. A year after a divorce and moving on is a HUGE step, especially moving on from someone with whom he was so in love it.
You need to give it time, and a hell of a lot of patience. Trust him, he's with you, not her. He obviously cares for you a great deal, or he'd be trying his hardest to get her back.
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You'd be sharing your time and yourself with him as you would with any other person.
Your hatred for this woman, and what your man has turned into has clouded how you react in your relationship. It's that that needs to change. By all means, hate the woman, but your man doesn't need to hear about it. She's part of him, wether you like it or not.
You said he divorced three years ago, but you've been together two. A year after a divorce and moving on is a HUGE step, especially moving on from someone with whom he was so in love it.
You need to give it time, and a hell of a lot of patience. Trust him, he's with you, not her. He obviously cares for you a great deal, or he'd be trying his hardest to get her back.
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