By Anne, 17, from California:

My boyfriend of nine months broke up with me last May... because "he couldn't be in a relationship". He said he still liked me but just couldn't be with me. I think it may be because he thought I was very unhappy and he thought he was a bad boyfriend (he has extremely low self esteem), but either way the reasons were never really clear and we never really got any closure at all. He insisted on staying friends because he said I was the closest he's ever been with anyone.

A month later, I was raped. I really struggled with this obviously. I told some of my girlfriends and they got me help, and then I told my exboyfriend. He was extremely upset but also very supportive. He told me he loved me and almost kissed me, but we did not end up getting back together. He gradually got more and more distant from me and when I asked him why he said it was because he felt responsible for the rape and couldn't deal with the guilt, but would be there if I needed him.

He did not react well when I finally did start getting interested in other people. He basically stood over my shoulder as I spoke to them and told everyone who asked that I had "no chance" with whomever I was intesrested in at the time. He wouldn't talk to me about this when I called him out on it.

Finally, I decided I just couldn't be friends with him. I was still intesrested in him and it hurt too much to pretend I wasn't. He had changed a lot since we'd broken up, he became very mean to most people and generally disagreeable and seemed depressed. I worried about him, but couldn't stay close with him, so I slowly backed out of his life until we never spoke or hung out at all.

However, since we share a group of friends, we sometimes end up in the same place. The other day he left a party because he told one of my friends he "couldn't stand me" especially around certain people, and would not hang out with his friends unless I wasn't there. I don't understand this really because I am generally quiet and that day I was very happy... No one else seemed to have a problem with my behavior.

Later that night he found out I was sleeping over a girlfriend's house and called her up to ask if I was okay, because I usually only sleep over people's houses when something is wrong and he knew my rapist would be home for Thanksgiving. My girlfriend said he was very concerned. He was concerned about me, however again today he refused to hang out with me. I don't understand at all. Can he hate me and worry about me at the same time? Can you just help me understand what could be going through his head? And what do I do?

VictorM's advice:

This sounds like a classic case of "if I can't have her no one else can" kinda thing. How do I explain that behavior? Simple: greed!

He's greedy when he leaves you just because he can't handle you. He's greedy when he puts you down (saying you don't stand a chance with guys) just so he can feel a better. He's greedy when he leaves a party just because you're happy. Above all he's greedy because he can't stand to know that you can be doing well considering all the things that happened to you, yet he's grumpy and miserable.

Greedy people don't just want to have things themselves; they don't want others to have them. Whether it's money, cars, houses, or happiness, greedy people want to be the only ones having them. Greed gnaws a person from the inside, hence him becoming "very mean to most people and generally disagreeable."

Does he hate you? No. Does he care for you? No. It's all about him. Want another example? Instead of just showing support about your rape, he blamed himself for it. Even in an extreme case like that, he wanted the attention shifted to himself. I don't mean to suggest he's a rotten person. I'm sure he was bothered by what happened to you, but everything becomes about him.

You talk about closure. How can he give you closure when he doesn't know exactly why he does what he does? He stopped seeing you because you're more self-assured than he is, you're happier than he is, and you're an all around better person than he is. You even handled your own adversity better than he did. You have closure, Anne: his greed couldn't handle someone like you.