Taylor, 21, from New Jersey, asks:

This is about the most complicated and confusing guy I have ever known. I feel the need to explain everything because it's all so confusing and relative.

This guy and I have known each other for about 3 years now. We work together in the summers and I'm a pretty shy person so we never really talked too much the first summer, but I always thought he was cute and nice and felt he was "noticing me." Two summers ago however, we talked more and were definately interested in each other and very flirty. We were both hesitant I guess because we never ended up hanging out until the end of the summer. We hung out for about a week straight until we had to go back to school and it was great. He was so sweet and fun and really made me feel comfortable.

Because he was away at school we continued to talk through text messaging and online but never really continued to hang out. Through talking it seemed to me that he liked me and was still interested. Break came and we talked about hanging out again but he said he was afraid to "lead me on." When I asked him what he meant by that he said that he's always confused and never knows what he wants and doesn't want to lead me on...so we didn't end up hanging out but continued to talk like he was still interested.

I decided not to initiate any conversation to see if it was all me, but he kept it up. We ended up hanging out when he graduated this past spring so I thought he was interested for sure. Then he told me the same thing, but with a little more information. He actually called me (something he never does) and explained that he is "always indecisive and never knows about anything when it comes to girls." That he's been this way since his old girlfriend, bla bla bla. That he wanted to be..."friends." That us hanging out more would make me want more and he didn't know if he would be able to give more. So, even though I truly feel like he has more then friend feelings, I decided to just be his friend because I didn't want to lose him in my life.

We spent the summer being friends (still flirting) and had that little discussion again. Not a week after he tells me the same thing about just being "friends", he invites me over and we hook up and stuff. But it wasn't just all about that, he was very affectionate and we had a good time.

A week later, he goes back to his awkward ways and tells me "it's not a good idea for us to hook up." I was very upset because I obviously really like him and I feel like he is just afraid to try. So, I decided to do something I never thought I would do, and confront him about it. Because I'm so shy I stupidly wrote him an email, because I knew I would've chikcened out telling him in person. I told him how I felt about him, how he makes me feel good about myself (something no guy has ever done) that I don't understand why he holds back and asked him to just give it a chance and try.

I wasn't even expecting him to respond, thought he'd be freaked out, but he wrote back just about as long as a novel as I wrote him. While he said a lot, once again he was completely contradicting. He said that he thinks of me as a friend...but in the next sentence says: "yes, most of the time I am confused and a lot of it has to do with my old girlfriend and I should probably take a chance, but my thoughts and ways of living will not change." Then he explains how he is very scared of getting serious again and it makes him very cautious and think a lot. That he will not settle...but then says that being withou me wouldn't be settling, that he just can't "try things to try them." He continues on about how he was obviously interested but he just doesn't see it working. And that it has nothing to do with me, that it's him. And said: "as cliche as that is you should know how weird and complex I am and undestand that I am being honest it is me, not you." He goes on to say how he doesn't ever tie himself down to a girl because he never feels that "perfect connection" he needs to tie himself down. That he wants me to be happy and he won't make me happy. That it's not about whether I'm worth it, that I'm worthy of a lot, and that he doesn't want to lose me and cares about me. That he just doesn't think he has as strong as feelings as I do and that he's always so unsure. That he can't give me more then his friendhsip.

Now, while I know to anyone who doesn't know us that looks like a: "I just don't like you like that" thing. But even close friends of his and mine have said that's absolute bull. That it's obvious he has feelings for me and that he's just scared. I have come to terms with that. I truly in my heart believe he has feelings for me. I know him too well to think anything else. However, I'm not saying that I think he can change. Im not sure if he can. Obviously he was VERY hurt by his old girlfriend and he has serious relationship fears. I was talking to our mutual guy friend and he said: this guy THINKS of me as a friend, but FEELS for me more then a friend... But doesn't see himself changing so he doesn't want to hurt me. And that he doesn't think he has these feelings for me because he never gives me a chance or himself the chance to feel them. Which I think could be true considering everytime we hang out it's great, and then the next week he pulls away.

He and I still talk like none of this "drama" ever happened. So I'm sorry for this terribly long novel, but I wanted to explain EVERYTHING because it's all so relevant. I suppose my question(s) is: am I (and these other people) correct in thinking he has feelings for me? And secondly, do you think it's possible for him to change and to eventually give me a chance? Maybe through just being friends he'll find the courage to do so? I know it sounds corny, but I just believe in it so much and know that if he would just give it a shot he'd be very suprised...

VictorM's answer:

*yawn* :)

Am I (and these other people) correct in thinking he has feelings for me?
Forget what other people think. They know jack shit about his feelings. They tend to tell you what you want to hear or what they'd like to happen. The guy has been very clear with you: he likes you but doesn't feel he likes you enough to take the plunge. What is preventing him? He's not a risk taker; he's been hurt before; probably still has feelings for that girl; and who knows what else. Sometimes we love being with someone but yet we don't feel the romantic chemistry we dream about. Why that happens is not clear.

Do you think it's possible for him to change and to eventually give me a chance? Maybe through just being friends he'll find the courage to do so?
Very much so. You have nothing to lose by staying his friend. But stop bringing this topic up. The more long emails you write about feelings, the more questions about it you ask, the more you confirm his reason for staying clear of you because it signals to him you're too serious about it and that's the last thing he wants. But, don't put all your eggs on this basket. Be open to other guys.

I have a feeling that until he comes to terms with his ex you'll always be on the outside looking in. I believe him when he says it's not you, it's him (meaning, the emotional attachment to his ex). But time is really the only healer for something like that. And it's something neither you nor him can control.