karen, 35, from west coast, asks:

I met this guy and for about a week we emailed and talked on the phone all the time. Then, we went out on our first date and...the clothes came off. We were drunk and dehydrated. But he couldn't...no big deal. We fell asleep for awhile and tried again, but still he couldn't. He slept with his back to me and there was something in his tone and just a feeling. I began to think he changed his mind and didn't like me. The next morning, I wouldn't say he was throwing me out the door, but he showed me to the door and then as an afterthought gave me a hug and a kiss and didn't walk me to my car, but he did say he would call me on my lunch break. He called me just like he said he would, which is what he said, “I’m calling you like I said I would.” He cancelled our date for dinner that night. There was still that tone in his voice and I still sensed something was off. So, I flat out said to him, "If you don’t want to see me again, you should just say so – you won’t hurt my feelings. I'll be disappointed, but you won't hurt my feelings." He replied something to the fact that the thought hadn’t crossed his mind; he wasn’t looking for a way out. And asked me if I wanted to see him again. I was like yeah, I had a really good time with you. I went on to tell him that I thought I was just sensing that he didn’t seem as interested. He told me he was just tired. He ended the call with I’ll call you next week. I said ok. It's been over a week, he hasn't called.

VictorM's advice:

Karen's questions are in italics below:

What do you think happened?
Sex on a first date and loss of interest in his part? Coincidence? I think not. But based on the rest of the story, I'd say he's embarrassed by his lack of sexual performance.

Did he change his mind?
Hard to say, but liking someone over email and the phone is no guarantee that you'll like them in person. He tried you out and maybe you're just not a good fit for him. That's not exactly changing his mind.

Did I turn him off sexually?
No. Lack of sexual performance is a physical problem like any kind of ailment that a guy can't control. He was attracted enough to want to be in bed with you, and attracted enough to try twice. Clearly he wanted you sexually.

Would a guy not say that he was not interested if flatly asked?
Most guy will not say it.

Would he flat out lie to me that he wasn't looking for a way out when I gave him one?
Yes, yes, and yes.

Was he just looking to get into my pants?
Maybe, but it's hard to say.

Is he just too embarrassed to call?
Most likely.

Is he concerned that I wouldn't be interested in him because of his performance and so he is ditzing me?
Yes. The odds are very good that that is the primary reason.

How can you be so attracted to somebody and then nothing? I just don't understand.
Sexual performance by a man is very mechanical (which in part explains the ability to have sex without any emotional attachment). Certain conditions beyond the guy's control can totally prevent him from either getting or sustaining an erection. It's not something a guy can WILL himself to do, regardless how sexual appealing the female is, if the circumstances that affect the erection are there. If something -- physical, mental, of emotional -- is present that block the flow of blood to the penis -- alcohol being one, but there are many other, more serious conditions -- a guy can fail to get an erection the same way a paralyzed person fails to walk or a blind person fails to see. It's terribly frustrating and embarrassing for a guy.