Sunday, September 30, 2007
He checks out girls in front of his girlfriend
Casey, 19, from: Simi Valley, asks:
My boyfriend tends to check girls out in front of me. It bothers me a lot and I have told him. He said he is trying really hard not to look but he still does it. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Attractive girls are simply the most gorgeous creatures on the planet. I feel his pain. Yes, yes, I know, he should respect being with you, but as you said, he's trying. But it's so hard, even if you are with a girl you love. But as long as he doesn't flirt and doesn't stare, is he really disrespecting you?
You can keep giving him a hard time when he looks at a girl, but trying to force him to reject his natural instinct to admire the greatest masterpieces of Mother Nature sounds like an impossible task.
There are no emotional attachments to looking at girls. He's not trying to replace you. All guys look, just some are better at hiding it than others.
You could accept him looking at other girls as long as he does it discreetly. Why not? It's not like he has a switch to turn off his interest in looking at other girls. It's like an instinct, a natural reaction. Some people get goosebumps when they get a chill, they just can't help it. You might as well ask him not to blink. That's how similar the actions are.
Going further, why don't you join him? I mean, you must admit that some girls look great. You could comment on their hair, clothes, etc. or simply agree that some girl looks nice. No need to have any sexual connotation, it's simply admiring beauty. If you could rise above your insecurity you could turn unpleasant public moments into more enjoyable ones.
I know... many of those reading this will disagree, but that's a guy's point of view. I'm curious how many of you will have constructive advice for Casey beyond calling her boyfriend names or telling her to dump him.
My boyfriend tends to check girls out in front of me. It bothers me a lot and I have told him. He said he is trying really hard not to look but he still does it. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Attractive girls are simply the most gorgeous creatures on the planet. I feel his pain. Yes, yes, I know, he should respect being with you, but as you said, he's trying. But it's so hard, even if you are with a girl you love. But as long as he doesn't flirt and doesn't stare, is he really disrespecting you?
You can keep giving him a hard time when he looks at a girl, but trying to force him to reject his natural instinct to admire the greatest masterpieces of Mother Nature sounds like an impossible task.
There are no emotional attachments to looking at girls. He's not trying to replace you. All guys look, just some are better at hiding it than others.
You could accept him looking at other girls as long as he does it discreetly. Why not? It's not like he has a switch to turn off his interest in looking at other girls. It's like an instinct, a natural reaction. Some people get goosebumps when they get a chill, they just can't help it. You might as well ask him not to blink. That's how similar the actions are.
Going further, why don't you join him? I mean, you must admit that some girls look great. You could comment on their hair, clothes, etc. or simply agree that some girl looks nice. No need to have any sexual connotation, it's simply admiring beauty. If you could rise above your insecurity you could turn unpleasant public moments into more enjoyable ones.
I know... many of those reading this will disagree, but that's a guy's point of view. I'm curious how many of you will have constructive advice for Casey beyond calling her boyfriend names or telling her to dump him.
Comments:
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There are several scientific studies which show that women check out other women just as much if not MORE than men check out women.
Don't bother denying it, ladies. We're always on the lookout for "the competition."
So have some fun and find out if you and your guy have another thing in common: agreement on which chicks are hot. And don't be snippy or judgemental about it. That's no fun. Just comment matter-of-factly.
Admire the beauty, as Victor says. Men think women who can appreciate the beauty of other women are not only pretty cool, but sexy as hell.
Be ready for some lovin' when you get back home, is all I'm sayin'.
Don't bother denying it, ladies. We're always on the lookout for "the competition."
So have some fun and find out if you and your guy have another thing in common: agreement on which chicks are hot. And don't be snippy or judgemental about it. That's no fun. Just comment matter-of-factly.
Admire the beauty, as Victor says. Men think women who can appreciate the beauty of other women are not only pretty cool, but sexy as hell.
Be ready for some lovin' when you get back home, is all I'm sayin'.
# posted by 
: 11:02 AM
: 11:02 AM
I have to agree. Anytime I've made a comment about a woman being gorgeous the guy I am with gets all turned on that I noticed. I don't do it for that reason but it's a nice perk!
# posted by : 11:56 AM
: 11:56 AM
I tend to agree w/Victor but in this instance I don't. I don't see why you're being told by Victor and the above commenters to do what doesn't come natural to you. Now it is true that men find it attractive when you as a woman admire female beauty (in my experience). However I think this has to be authentic and natural for you to do, otherwise what's the point? If at 19 you don't already naturally do this, it's probably not you. Advice to act like something you aren't is not good advice.
And anyway at any rate NO guy I've been with has taken my sometimes open admiration for a stranger's beauty as a cue for them to start acting like Mr. Leery-pants.
Decent people generally don't act obvious about checking someone out unless they are actively on the prowl and single, or in a group of guys looking for women or some such.
Your boyfriend's behavior may be ok with some women (and most of those are just putting up with it, trust me), but it isn't ok with *you*- that is what is important. So find someone who isn't Mr. All About any/all Eye Candy at any/all times including when he's with his girlfriend!
He sounds like he can't control himself and it makes you uncomfortable and I don't wonder why. It's just ick.
If any of my friends had a partner like that I'd be scratching my head about why she were with him.
I'm sure it could work for some couples but none I know. It isn't about you getting into checking out other women. Clearly that is his thing, not yours.
I've had times where guys checked me out when they were with a woman and it made me feel gross and bad for the woman.
If you aren't comfortable with his behavior, it's unlikely you'll get comfortable. I think your self esteem will suffer if you stay with this guy. He may have his good points but this is bothering you for obvious (to most people) reasons. He probably should be with a different type of woman (a woman like the first commenter) and you probably need to be with a different type of man.
And anyway at any rate NO guy I've been with has taken my sometimes open admiration for a stranger's beauty as a cue for them to start acting like Mr. Leery-pants.
Decent people generally don't act obvious about checking someone out unless they are actively on the prowl and single, or in a group of guys looking for women or some such.
Your boyfriend's behavior may be ok with some women (and most of those are just putting up with it, trust me), but it isn't ok with *you*- that is what is important. So find someone who isn't Mr. All About any/all Eye Candy at any/all times including when he's with his girlfriend!
He sounds like he can't control himself and it makes you uncomfortable and I don't wonder why. It's just ick.
If any of my friends had a partner like that I'd be scratching my head about why she were with him.
I'm sure it could work for some couples but none I know. It isn't about you getting into checking out other women. Clearly that is his thing, not yours.
I've had times where guys checked me out when they were with a woman and it made me feel gross and bad for the woman.
If you aren't comfortable with his behavior, it's unlikely you'll get comfortable. I think your self esteem will suffer if you stay with this guy. He may have his good points but this is bothering you for obvious (to most people) reasons. He probably should be with a different type of woman (a woman like the first commenter) and you probably need to be with a different type of man.
# posted by : 4:30 AM
: 4:30 AM
Jenni, excellent points, particularly the last paragraph.
Dating is a process of finding a mate that's a good match, and maybe someone like this guy is not a good match for Casey.
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Dating is a process of finding a mate that's a good match, and maybe someone like this guy is not a good match for Casey.
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