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Tuesday, August 28, 2007
They talk on the phone all the time
Samantha, 25, from FL, asks:
I've been friends with this guy for a couple months now. We talk on the phone all the time and he shows an interest in things I like. Even if I tell him I like something that he doesn't next thing I know a couple weeks later he likes it too. I confessed my true feelings to him but he said we can't be more than friends because we work together. He didn't say anything about not liking me back. About a week later, he started to date an old girlfriend. I figured I wouldn't hear from him anymore, but it is just the opposite. He calls me after he drops her off from them hanging out together or on his way to pick her up. He even calls me to talk about nothing. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know he calls me because it is usually in the middle of the night. I am so confused if this guy has feelings for me or not. Is it possible that he likes me but because of our job he has decided to try to move on? I know that if it's meant to be it will, but I really like him and it's hard to be friends with him and hear him talk about her. Thanks for listening.
VictorM's advice:
You made the same mistake I very forcefully preach against on this site: you told him you like him; that's a no-no. When a girl does that in a situation such as yours, contrary to what you think, you REMOVE the incentive for him to want you. The reason is that you give the guy too much control. He knows you like him. He knows he can have you anytime he wants to. You are "in the bag", so to speak. You are not a challenge anymore. And you're also a danger because you probably want something serious. So, he can focus is conquering, manly, non-committal energies into another target knowing that you're there as a last resort.
If you want him as a friend only and want to linger on the shelf while he dates others, continue what you're doing. But if you want to increase your chances of him desiring you, stop taking his calls, play hard to get, and pay less attention to him. Do not be mean. Do not be rude. Be polite but distant. He'll either work to get your attention back or he won't care. Either reaction is better than what you have now.
I've been friends with this guy for a couple months now. We talk on the phone all the time and he shows an interest in things I like. Even if I tell him I like something that he doesn't next thing I know a couple weeks later he likes it too. I confessed my true feelings to him but he said we can't be more than friends because we work together. He didn't say anything about not liking me back. About a week later, he started to date an old girlfriend. I figured I wouldn't hear from him anymore, but it is just the opposite. He calls me after he drops her off from them hanging out together or on his way to pick her up. He even calls me to talk about nothing. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know he calls me because it is usually in the middle of the night. I am so confused if this guy has feelings for me or not. Is it possible that he likes me but because of our job he has decided to try to move on? I know that if it's meant to be it will, but I really like him and it's hard to be friends with him and hear him talk about her. Thanks for listening.
VictorM's advice:
You made the same mistake I very forcefully preach against on this site: you told him you like him; that's a no-no. When a girl does that in a situation such as yours, contrary to what you think, you REMOVE the incentive for him to want you. The reason is that you give the guy too much control. He knows you like him. He knows he can have you anytime he wants to. You are "in the bag", so to speak. You are not a challenge anymore. And you're also a danger because you probably want something serious. So, he can focus is conquering, manly, non-committal energies into another target knowing that you're there as a last resort.
If you want him as a friend only and want to linger on the shelf while he dates others, continue what you're doing. But if you want to increase your chances of him desiring you, stop taking his calls, play hard to get, and pay less attention to him. Do not be mean. Do not be rude. Be polite but distant. He'll either work to get your attention back or he won't care. Either reaction is better than what you have now.
Comments:
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And you take all of his phone calls because......?
I know the attention is nice, and you're kind of holding out hope that he'll come around, but you are wasting time with someone who has placed limits on your relationship and is obviously causing you some discomfort emotionally. Is it really worth it just to get the attention?
And it sounds as if he's giving his physical self to his old girlfriend, while giving his emotional self to you. He may think he's balancing himself perfectly between two great women, but really, very few people can handle that kind of balancing act. And you are most likely just gonna make yourself feel totally miserable about all of it at some point.
Don't be so available. Don't answer all his calls. And if he asks why you don't answer? Tell him it's because your time is valuable and he's more or less wasting it. And furthermore, if he wants to be with his girlfriend, he should be putting his energy into her. Not dividing his time. Tell him it's not fair to her that he's calling you all the time.
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I know the attention is nice, and you're kind of holding out hope that he'll come around, but you are wasting time with someone who has placed limits on your relationship and is obviously causing you some discomfort emotionally. Is it really worth it just to get the attention?
And it sounds as if he's giving his physical self to his old girlfriend, while giving his emotional self to you. He may think he's balancing himself perfectly between two great women, but really, very few people can handle that kind of balancing act. And you are most likely just gonna make yourself feel totally miserable about all of it at some point.
Don't be so available. Don't answer all his calls. And if he asks why you don't answer? Tell him it's because your time is valuable and he's more or less wasting it. And furthermore, if he wants to be with his girlfriend, he should be putting his energy into her. Not dividing his time. Tell him it's not fair to her that he's calling you all the time.
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