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Monday, August 27, 2007
They said spiteful things to each other
Samantha, 20, from Georgia, asks:
I dated a guy for over 2 years since my senior year in high school up until the summer after my sophomore year in college. We were each other's first loves and longest relationships. However, he ended it a little over a month ago. For several months before the break up, we were constantly getting into arguments and because of our stubborn natures neither of us would easily back down, but say hateful thing after another, and trust me, we really said very spiteful things to each other. During those few months we also seemed to talk less and less, when he used to be so adament about talking every chance we got.
He broke up with me saying that all my hurtful remarks led him to believe that he is an awful person. Let me repeat, but we both said hurtful things. Not even two weeks after the breakup he informed me he was seeing someone, but then a month later told me he said that he only said that to piss me off. At this time he also told me he still loved me, always will, and does not want to fight off the fact that he wants to be with me. He wanted to work things out. However, I never saw any effort in his part. He never asked to do anything together or spend time together. He seemed more interested in going out with a friend (who is a girl) than to try to meet up with me. He seemed to be waiting for me to DO something while he would only SAY things. Why is it that he only seems to say how much he cares and loves me and wants me back, but does not seem to put any effort in doing anything about it?
Just last night we got in an argument about this whole situation, and he told me to just leave him alone. Could this be out of anger, since we were practically screaming at each other? I called this morning just to wish him a happy birthday (as today is his birthday) but has not heard from him.
This situation confuses the hell out of me and if you could enlighten me on some of his behaviors, I would like to put this all behind me and move on.
VictorM's advice:
He has a hate/love relationship with you. His head is telling him to stay away from you, his heart is telling him otherwise. The words coming out of his mouth sometimes reflect his heart, sometime his head. One day he wants to work things out (his heart talking), and another day he tells you to leave him alone (his head speaking).
But unless the head and the heart are in sync, you have nothing. So do this boy a favor and leave him alone. He's not struggling to be with you, he's struggling to free himself from you.
I dated a guy for over 2 years since my senior year in high school up until the summer after my sophomore year in college. We were each other's first loves and longest relationships. However, he ended it a little over a month ago. For several months before the break up, we were constantly getting into arguments and because of our stubborn natures neither of us would easily back down, but say hateful thing after another, and trust me, we really said very spiteful things to each other. During those few months we also seemed to talk less and less, when he used to be so adament about talking every chance we got.
He broke up with me saying that all my hurtful remarks led him to believe that he is an awful person. Let me repeat, but we both said hurtful things. Not even two weeks after the breakup he informed me he was seeing someone, but then a month later told me he said that he only said that to piss me off. At this time he also told me he still loved me, always will, and does not want to fight off the fact that he wants to be with me. He wanted to work things out. However, I never saw any effort in his part. He never asked to do anything together or spend time together. He seemed more interested in going out with a friend (who is a girl) than to try to meet up with me. He seemed to be waiting for me to DO something while he would only SAY things. Why is it that he only seems to say how much he cares and loves me and wants me back, but does not seem to put any effort in doing anything about it?
Just last night we got in an argument about this whole situation, and he told me to just leave him alone. Could this be out of anger, since we were practically screaming at each other? I called this morning just to wish him a happy birthday (as today is his birthday) but has not heard from him.
This situation confuses the hell out of me and if you could enlighten me on some of his behaviors, I would like to put this all behind me and move on.
VictorM's advice:
He has a hate/love relationship with you. His head is telling him to stay away from you, his heart is telling him otherwise. The words coming out of his mouth sometimes reflect his heart, sometime his head. One day he wants to work things out (his heart talking), and another day he tells you to leave him alone (his head speaking).
But unless the head and the heart are in sync, you have nothing. So do this boy a favor and leave him alone. He's not struggling to be with you, he's struggling to free himself from you.
Comments:
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I love you! I hate you! I want to be with you! I never want to see you again!
Fine line between love and hate. Both are extremely passionate emotions.
Victor is right. When someone you are in a relationship with is actively being mean and hateful, that person is pushing you away. Most folks do it as a self-preservation tactic. They let you in, love bloomed, then you hurt them in some way (even if you weren't intending to), so they are trying to build their walls of protection back up by hating you and pushing you away.
Leave him alone for a little while. Let him figure out how he really feels. Sometimes people realize that they really do want to be in a relationship with a person (after a bit of breathing room) and other times? Well, it's all too easy to just ignore those feelings, rebuild the walls, and move on. Whichever happens, you have to respect his feelings. And your own feelings, too.
If this relationship is causing you pain and misery and you can't fix it? Get out.
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Fine line between love and hate. Both are extremely passionate emotions.
Victor is right. When someone you are in a relationship with is actively being mean and hateful, that person is pushing you away. Most folks do it as a self-preservation tactic. They let you in, love bloomed, then you hurt them in some way (even if you weren't intending to), so they are trying to build their walls of protection back up by hating you and pushing you away.
Leave him alone for a little while. Let him figure out how he really feels. Sometimes people realize that they really do want to be in a relationship with a person (after a bit of breathing room) and other times? Well, it's all too easy to just ignore those feelings, rebuild the walls, and move on. Whichever happens, you have to respect his feelings. And your own feelings, too.
If this relationship is causing you pain and misery and you can't fix it? Get out.
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