Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:

Hey Victor,

My baby will be due in less than two weeks’ time. My ex didn’t really get involve in the pregnancy. He didn’t go to ante natal class, parenting class, ultra sound scan or see the midwife with me. We only have a few phone calls since I moved out.

There is one thing keep bugging me. He owns me money for nearly a year. Every month he said he would pay me back when he gets pay, but nothing happens. He broke up with me and made me moved out; at the time he knew I didn’t have any saving of my own. I stayed at friends’ parents’ house for a few weeks to save money for moving out. Now he is still bushing me that he will return me money and he knows I will go on unpaid maternity leave from next week. He and his new girl friend live in the house, which I paid for the bond (under his name; this is different from the 1 year debt). One thing he did good for me is that he let to use his car (possible equal the bond value). I feel this is very unfair to me. I know I can take some legal action to get my money back, although now I have saved enough money for the maternity leave. I concern if I do take him to court, he will hate me obviously, and then this may affect his relationship with baby…What should I do that I can feel fair and it will not affect baby?

In addition, he promised he will share half of the baby costs. He didn’t give me any money so far. He did get baby some stuff. Here I can get child support money from him through the tax man. We haven’t discussed anything. Money is something he doesn’t like to talk about, even when we lived together. I can foresee if I ask him money directly. He might tell me he will pay and pay nothing at end of the day. But again, he said before he hates the tax man things. And I don’t want this to affect the baby and his relationship.

I don’t have family in this country. He always said he love the baby. He has a big family. If he bring baby to his family, baby will have grandpa, grandma, aunties, uncles and many cousins. I had met his family a few times; they were all very nice to me. But I haven’t met them since I got pregnant. They haven’t approached me so far. Someone suggested I should contact them directly once I have baby. What do you think?

VictorM's advice:

Good to hear from you.

Since you have met his family I see nothing wrong with informing them of the birth of the child. I'm not sure what your goal is, but the money situation is between you and him, not you and his family. So keep them out of that.

Walnut, you so want what's best for your child that you're allowing yourself to be manipulated. Look, you can't buy his love for the child. You can't be walking on eggs when you deal with him because you think he won't care for the baby. If his "love" for the baby is so superficial, believe me, it won't help your child. I can understand you wanting him to love the child, but that shouldn't change whether you take him to court or not for getting your money back.

Now, depending on the amount of money he owes you, you may want to consider it a loss and stop dwelling on it. But if the amount of money is significant, go to court. In any case, you should go to court for the child support. He has to live up to his obligations as the father. Do not accept just his word! He has already demonstrated he can't be trusted.

Walnut, think hard about this: is your willingness to accept his word because you think it's what's best for the baby or is it that you don't want to do anything that will get him mad at you? It wouldn't be uncommon for someone in your situation to just have a reason to be in personal contact with him all the time and calling him about money gives you that reason.

In any case, get the child support payments legalized.