Erica, 27, from San Diego, CA, asks:

I am 27 and engaged to a great man who is 30. We are getting married next year and I couldn't be happier. My question is about the differences in the genders when it comes to masturbation. Do you think that men and women do it for different reasons? I used to quite regularly until about 7 months ago when HE proposed that we both make a pact to stop and focus our energies and attention on each other. This is in addition to religious reasons on his part, as he is a devout Catholic and tries very hard to "play by the rules". I agreed and have been very successful although it has been difficult for me, as it was something I had done regularly for years. I have not slipped once *knock on wood*. He however slips up about once a week and tells me about it. I appreciate his honesty, but I'm wondering why it's so much more difficult for him than it is for me. We have a very active love life (at least 7x week).

He says that it happens when he's stressed about work (he works from home) and for him, doing it is like hitting the reset button. When he's very stressed or frustrated or feeling overwhelmed, he'll give in. He said that it's not even necessarily a sexual thing. He also uses porn, which wouldn't normally bother me because we used to use it together, but now I find that it's making me feel inadequate. I am frustrated that he expects me to abide by this pact (that was HIS idea to begin with) but he cannot stick with it himself. I even proposed just throwing the whole pact thing out the window and just going back to the way things were (where it was a regular occurrence) and he doesn't want that. He wants to keep trying and expects me to do the same.

Is this common male behavior? Do guys do this for nonsexual reasons? How can it be nonsexual when there is porn involved? Why is it that I seem to have better self-control than he does? Does he get a "get out of jail free" card simply because he's a man? Any feedback would be very helpful.

VictorM's advice:

He gets a "get out of jail free" not because he's a man, but because you allow it. Don't blame anyone else. Take responsibility for accepting whatever role you have accepted in the relationship and for being party to such a lopsided deal.

You have better control because masturbating/sex in general isn't purely physical for females as it is for guys. With him, as with many guys, it's almost a habit, like people who bite their nails. Guys often get an erection for seemingly nothing -- leaning on a desk, seeing a sexy ad, the slightest hint of cleavage, accidental rubbing of his genitals, etc. -- but come on, viewing porn isn't sexual? Stroking his penis isn't sexual? Of course it is. He's fibbing to avoid confronting his weakness.

So the "devout Catholic" says his masturbating isn't even a sex thing... he views porn... he has a double standard when it comes to you and him... he's depriving you of something harmless that you enjoy... you know, Erica, you have set a very low bar for what a "great man" is.

This isn't about his masturbating habits or yours, this is about your role in the relationship and how much your views count, or as is the case here, don't count. His religion aside -- that's something between him and his conscience -- his masturbating habit sounds pretty normal. It's the bullshit he's dishing your way that you should worry about. Masturbating is common behavior for men; behaving like he's doing is common for hypocrites.