Leigh, 28, from New Zealand, asks:

I wrote in previously about dating my ex's mate. This guy has now asked me to go out with him officially and has told me that he loves me, but he has still not told his friend we are together, it has been over two months now. I have confronted him about it several times. On Saturday night I was at his place and we made plans to have dinner together and hang out. Then my ex text him asking him over for a few drinks and he said yes. So I went to leave stating that I was mad and he got upset and rang my ex back and cancelled. What do I do? I feel insecure because he says he hasn't had the courage to tell my ex!

VictorM's advice:

I remember your previous question well. I remember saying he should tell his friend right away what's going on. I still think it's the right thing to do but I have to say, I feel for your boyfriend. He fears he will end a very precious friendship. Not only that one friendship, but it's likely that if your ex gets upset, many other friends may also give him the cold shoulder or even cease being his friend.

Give him some slack; this is a very difficult and tormenting moment for your boyfriend. Support him. Be understanding. Be a little patient. Let him choose the timing (within reason). If you pressure him and things go really bad with most of his friends, you will suffer as well. So let it be his timing. When it impacts your relationship, as it did when he got the call from your ex and was willing to go, speak your mind as you did. He did the right thing to call back and cancel.

I think he needs to feel stronger about his relationship with you before he risks losing his best friend and maybe others. Seems like a prudent thing to do.

I realize that this advice may seem to contradict what I told you last time, but I read it again and I don't think it does. As I said the last time, I still think the right thing to do, and best thing to do, is for your boyfriend to tell your ex what's going one. I'm still saying the same thing but now I'm also considering how difficult a task it is for him. It's easy for me to say do something because I don't have to be the one doing it. Last time I called him a coward but I think it speaks well of him that has admitted he lacks the courage; that admission in itself takes courage.