janee, 35, from vancouver, asks:

I have been seeing this guy that I work with on and off for about 10 months. We broke up twice. The second time was mutual. Both times we were together we were not committed but agreed to casual sex. I stupidly thought if I just sleep with him eventually he will want to commit!

The second time we broke up it was because he went to Asia for six weeks with his ex girlfriend. And he went to India the year before with her. I said to myself, since her father just died and his dog just died, (this was last Aug), maybe they just are friends like he said and he wants to support her.

Anyways when he came back I said I wanted a committed relationship if we were gonna be sexual especially since he wasn't even willing to accept monogamy.

He agreed. We then got back together recently, month and half. We are still not committed. Now it's casual afternoon sex after work and lets me see two dates on the weekend but never weekend nights and still no invite to his house in almost a year. He always comes to my place.

I asked him if he is still in love with his ex but he insists that they are not together. How much longer do I wait? The latest was, he said: "I am confused. I keep forgetting that we are not in a relationship and I get jealous when I think you might be dating." I said: "Well, this is the way you want it." Nothing. Now what?

VictorM's answer:

A few short observations: 1) You may be one of the most gullible people on the planet; 2) He is not confused, he knows exactly what he wants and he's getting it; 3) People, in general, lose respect for people who show no spine; 4) What are you waiting for to move on with your life without him?

OK, now that I got that out of my system, let's get to the specifics, step by step.

1) "I said to myself, since her father just died and his dog just died... maybe they just are friends." Are you freaking kidding him? Six weeks with his ex in Asia? Because his fucking dog died?! I'll say no more.

2) When a guy says he's confused, he means you don't yet measure up. What's there to be confused about if all he feels for his ex is friendship? What's there to be confused about if you wanted commitment but he's OK with you dating others? What's there to be confused about if he won't let you be part of his life? There's no confusion. You're a good afternoon fuck and that's all you are to him.

3) You said you wanted a commitment if you were going to have sex, but you are having sex without a commitment. No spine. He "lets me see two dates on the weekend"! Holy crap, what are you, a teenager getting permission from your parents? No spine. You asked him if he loved his ex and he didn't give you an answer. You let him slide. No spine.

4) He doesn't love you. He doesn't want you in his life. He's too attached to his ex. He dominates you. He's "confused" even after 10 months. "Now what?", you ask. You know what now what. You don't need to hear me say it. You just don't have the balls to do it. But don't blame him; he's getting exactly what he wants, why should he change? Unless, of course, he wants a woman who has a spine. Most guys do. He's not getting that. But he's getting sex in the afternoon. He'll take it... for now.

Janee... your fear of losing him is the reason you're never going to get him. If you are willing to denying him sex, and put your foot down on everything else (his ex, his house, no dating others) you'd stand a better chance. Maybe not a good chance, but a better one than now. If not with this guy, with the next one.