Lilly, 28, from New Zealand, asks:

I have had a best guy friend for ten years. When I first met him at the age of 19 I wanted to be with him, I fell in love with him at first sight and heard through a friend that he liked me. Then suddenly he changed his mind. We have been friends since then and there has always been chemistry. We considered being a couple again after he broke up with his long time girlfriend two years ago but the timing was wrong. Recently he came into my life again and I asked him why we had never gotten together. He said that when he was younger he wanted to play the field and knew that if he was with me it would be for keeps. Our friendship is close and caring and we have fun together. We have both admitted that we are attracted to each other. But he said that he is scared of being with me in case it turns bad and we don't work as a couple and our friendship is lost. I feel confused and a bit rejected. Why won't he take the risk? My feelings for him are getting stronger. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

He won't take a risk most likely because he doesn't feel for you the same way you feel for him. Would he tell you that? Not likely. That's just the way guys are. He's happy with the current arrangement: he gets your company, maybe sex (you don't say, but I'm assuming), and doesn't have to make a commitment. Wonderful. And he'll stay in this mode unless and until you make him shit or get off the potty, or he finds someone else that offers more.

What you should do is be prepared to lose his friendship to gain his love. Don't give him an ultimatum, but do tell him that given your feelings, you can't keep spending time with him. Break off the close friendship. I'm not saying be his enemy, but stop spending time with him, and if you are being intimate, stop that. Then see his reaction. If he's in love with you, he will chose to commit not to lose you, otherwise, he'll accept your decision.

My guess, sad to say, is that you're going to lose a friend instead of gaining a lover. His behavior and words are that of a man who finds comfort in your company but not passion. But there's only one way to find out.

For your sake I really hope I'm wrong.