Leigh, 28, from New Zealand, asks:

I was with a guy on and off for three years, it was always ending because he was very jealous and controlling and I could not handle this. It ended for good three months ago, partly because he was no longer interested in having a relationship with me because of our up and down history. During this time I got to know his friends and one of his friends has begun paying attention to me and asking me out over the last two months. We seem to click and I have even spent time with his family and friends. He said that he wants more than a fling. He has not however told my ex that we are seeing each other, as he knows that this will probably be the end of their friendship, and they have known each other for years. Although I think that we could have a good relationship together we are still in the stage of getting to know each other. I don't however want to stay in this situation forever and told him that he will eventually have to decide whether he wants to risk his friend getting mad if he wants to have something good with me. I want what's best for him, I don't want him to lose any of his friends over this, but at the same time I care for him and don't want to develop deeper feelings for him and then be hurt. Should I get out now, give him an ultimatum, or hang in there?

VictorM's advice:

Hang in there is a relative term. How long are you willing to wait? I would say not long. I tell you why. This guy is seeing you behind your ex's back. So in essence, he's already betrayed his friend's trust. Their friendship is not as important as he's making it sound to be. So any talk of what his friend means to him is pure hypocrisy.

You shouldn't wait till you're engaged for him to tell your ex; he should do it now and get it over with so the two of you give your relationship a change without this undue stress. Will your ex flip over this? Maybe, maybe not. But in any case, he's not part of your life anymore and he has no say on who you see.
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He should tell his friend NOW. It is the decent and smart thing to do. Any more delay by this guy says he's either not into you or he's a big coward.