Tracy, 34, from Tennessee, asks:

This might be too inappropriate for this column but not sure where to seek advice on this. I have started seeing someone and we have sent the night together a couple of times. He seems to have trouble getting rid of his erection. This is definitely a new problem for me. Sometimes he just doesn't finish and I feel confused and another time he finished himself off. Also he told me that he masturbates 3, 4 times a day. I couldn't help but feel like I had done something wrong when he finished himself, but also I just don't understand and do you think it's something I should worry about? Like it signifies deeper problems that could later affect me and I should get out now? And I'd like to have a normal sex life...

VictorM's advice:

Nothing you say seems to me to indicate a serious problem. And there's nothing you're doing that's wrong. I see nothing that some adjustments can't fix. I hope you talk to him about this.

For some guys, having sex with someone new causes some stress that affects their sexual behavior. Some have a problem sustaining an erection, some ejaculate too soon, some take too long. In most cases, these situations fix themselves once the familiarity and trust between the couple increases. Some of this could be at play here, but in your case, I think there's something else going on. It has to do with how often he masturbates.

Our bodies are highly adaptable. Because of it, I think his frequent masturbation is causing the situaton you described. No, I don't think masturbation makes you go blind or grow hair on your hands, but excessive masturbation over a long period of time can affect sexual behavior in the way you described, that is, taking extra long to ejaculate and requiring him doing it himself. I'll explain why that is.

Masturbation usually provides the best orgasm. The reason is simple: the mind and the hand are connected and so the guy can speed up, slow down, apply more pressure, etc. exactly as his mind demands. Because of this, he orgasms precisely as he wants to. The downside is that he gets used to a certain pace, grip, feel, and dryness that can't quite be matched by any woman. Chances are that your vagina, short of having a wrestler's hand inside it, can't provide the grip and feel that he's used to. That is why at the end, he needs to do it himself. Only he can provide the grip and pace he's been used to.

So, what to do? Well, 90% of what needs to be done he needs to do it himself. You can help with the other 10%.

He needs to drastically reduce the times he masturbates and when he does he should try to lubricate his hand and penis and lighten his grip so that it more closely resembles a woman vagina's grip and slippery moisture. It's not going to happen overnight so don't expect instant change, but he can and should start doing this now. In the long run, it will be better for him because once he decreases his masturbation and increases sexual activity with you, his orgasms will become even more pleasurable because having a partner with whom he's in sync is much more fun than doing it alone.

You can help by accepting that there's nothing wrong and that his behavior is not a reflection of your sexual performance. You could also turn this into a positive. Many women find the sight of a man masturbating very erotic. If you free yourself from any sense of guilt or blame, maybe you can see it that way too. When he does take matters into his own hands, enjoy it. Don't be a spectator; help him: kiss him, touch him, rub him, maybe even place your hand over his or vice-versa. Don't be afraid to participate, to ask what you can do to help. It can be very enjoyable for both of you.

If he's responsive to this advice and is willing to work with you, I really see no reason to worry about any deeper problems -- I believe there are none. If, however, he's close-minded or stubborn about it, you have problems that go beyond sex.