MDoe, 36, from Arizona asks:

What does it mean when a man says, "Three strikes and you're out"? I am with 'Joe' since Oct. 2001, we're engaged but he is legally married to wife #1. His 3 kids and my 3 (youngest in common) get along okay. During first deployment, 2003, to Iraq, I got my first 'strike' after accidentally leaving his 12 year old daughter at a rest stop on the way home late one weekend. She was okay as she met other people who are distantly related to me and found safety knowing she was not totally alone. I discovered her missing just minutes after coming home, 1.5 hours later. Breaking all speed limits, I got back to her in one hour. Joe is now coming home from 2nd deployment. I again am left to care for 6 kids. Over the weekend, my sister invited me to join them for a basketball game, I went, the kids didn't. Joe calls and kids were upset they didn't go to the game. To my understanding, their relatives were coming to visit and spend time with Joe's kids and take them to the ball game. However, they were already at the game or they didn't have room in their small vehicle. Joe called, I was "Strike Two and one more I'm out". I'm puzzled, 'I didn't know we were keeping score in this relationship' I didn't get much sleep last night thinking about this. I don't know what a man means when he is keeping score. After 6 years of faithfully committed, I wonder if I've over invested too much into this relationship? Back in 2004, he was finally 'looking' into getting a divorce from wife #1 because he wanted to marry me. The sad thing is, I wanted to get married on May 5, 2005....... I no longer want to get married.

VictorM's advice:

Well, Joe is a military guy. He has a certain discipline and expectations of those around him. He is communicating very clearly with you. He considers a woman who makes three big mistakes (in his mind) not worthy of keeping. For better or for worse, that is Joe.

You are ignoring tons of information coming your way. Let's see, you have been with Joe since 2001, that's 6 years and he's still not divorced. Hello?! Anybody home? Divorces don't take years to get.

I don't think Joe is looking for a wife -- hell, he already has one and he's not giving her up, whether you like to face that reality or not -- no, he's looking for a babysitter. And as that, you have screwed up, no question about it.

Look, when it comes to relationships, what you have invested in the past doesn't count; what counts is what dividends you think it will pay in the future. Do you want love, romance, caring, understanding, and sharing? Or do you want boot camp with an umpire on your ass?

I think you know the answer -- you just need the courage to act on it.

Labels: not divorced, relationship, three strikes