Minx, 21, from Westerncape asks:

This might sound stupid, but I don't know what to do, think or feel anymore. My ex and I are broken up for more than a year and he keeps blaming me for everything that happens to him. Every time I went out and we see each other the next day there's drama. I ignore him, but it doesn't help. His car was scratched the other night and he's accusing me for doing it and it's not the first time. I will never damage his property, I'm not that type of person. I loved him and still do, but enough is enough..he left me and emotionally broke me. I don't want to go out anymore cause I'm afraid there will be something else that's my fault. What should I do? He told me he doesn't love me and that I'm not good or beautiful enough for him. So why does he look for attention by me and blaming me? Why is he cold and heartless with me, but in the same time can't leave me alone? What does he get out of braking me more and more and why does he do it? Please give me advise.

VictorM's advice:

You answered most of your questions. He's cold and heartless with you because he's cold an heartless. Duh! That's what cold and heartless people do: they hurt others, they use them, they abuse them, they don't take responsibility for their failures, etc.

You say you'd never damage his stuff, that you are a good person. He knows that. But he also knows it bothers you to be accused of those things. So, he says them... *say it with me*... because he's cold and heartless.

He likes to control you. Accusing you of doing bad things, saying you're not good enough, that you're not beautiful enough... it's all about control. Why does he want to control you? *say it with me*... because he's cold and heartless.

So what do you do? First, understand and accept in your mind that the things he says, he says them only to control you. Second, don't give him the pleasure of having that control over you. How? Simple, if you practice this: Next time he says you damaged his car, just say: "I didn't do it but if it makes you feel happy to believe I did, go ahead." And walk away. If he says: "You're not good enough", say: "I know I'm plenty good, but if it makes you feel happy to believe I'm not, go ahead." And walk away.

Every time you try to explain, justify, convince, or argue with him, you're giving him control over you -- he wins. Stop doing it! Every time he says something that hurts your feelings, just remember this phrase: "he's trying to control me." Don't allow yourself to be controlled. Use the reply I mentioned above instead.

Labels: cold and heartless, control, ex-boyfriend