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Monday, January 29, 2007
Act of a Best Friend
Amber, 25
Alabama
Asks:
My best friend of 5 years is engaged to marry her boyfriend of 4 years. She says she loves him dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. She was my maid of honor at my wedding and she wants me to be in hers too, so I am helping her plan her wedding.
At the same time - she is also with another man anytime she is not with her fiance. They go out on dates, they have sex, they do the sweet sappy love letters and text messages to each other. He even bought her a star for Christmas and spent another $300 on her for a spa treatment package. She says that she loves guy B dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. So I am stuck in the middle of helping her plan her wedding with guy A while she is also in love with guy B.
She says she wishes she could just have them both and not have to make a decision. She says she knows its wrong but she just can't stop- "When I'm with guy B I just can't tell him no". What is a best friend to do? I can't tell her anything - she won't hear it. I tried to tell her that I don't want to be a part of it anymore - that I can't sit down with her and help her plan her wedding while she is also telling me about being with this other man. But after telling her that - she doesn't want to be friends anymore. She says I'm judging her - and abandoning her and that I'm just a fair weather friend. I don't know what else to do. It breaks my heart to see her do this to herself and to her loved one(s). Should I just chalk this up to a friend lost? ExBestFriend
Lee's Thoughts:
It's difficult when someone you've loved and stood by all of these years starts acting in an unacceptable manner. It forces you to decide about the person YOU will be and the a actions YOU will take.
If you help her plan this wedding and then stand up at the altar with her, the minister, and her ignorant and deceived fiance in front of a crowd of people....you are supporting her and her decisions. You are saying that its OKAY for her to falsely proclaim her love and loyalty to this man in front of GOD AND EVERYONE.
You are not stuck anywhere. You are an adult who freely chooses her life. If you choose to go along with this sham of a wedding and this sham of a life she is leading, you are no better than she.
She is an immature brat who has no business getting married. She has no idea what it takes to sustain a true, loving, and lasting marriage and she will never reap the benefits of one if she finds this acceptable behavior. Do you? Your decision in these next moments, and in these next months will DEFINE you and clearly show the kind of person YOU are. We already know what kind of person she is.
As I said in the beginning, I know its not easy to break off a friendship, but this is not a friend you want to have. If she were twisting the heads off puppies, your decision might be easier. But in this case, it is much easier to just go along with it, to help her plan the party, to wear a pretty dress, drink champagne and toast to the inevitable destruction of two lives. It's the FUN decision.
The HARD decision is to tell her in no uncertain terms that you can not and will not support or celebrate this marriage. Feel free to tell her you love her, you'll be there for her, but this is NOT the wedding or marriage you envisioned for her. YES you are being judgemental, because that's what friends do...they tell each other when they are making flat out BAD DECISIONS. I JUDGE people all the time. Through my JUDGEMENTS, I decide if they are worth my time, if they are people that inspire or disgust me.
Tell her a) You will not be able to participate as her maid of honor. b) If she doesn't tell her fiance about the other guy, you will. c) You'd really love to remain friends, but you completely understand if that is not possible.
It is the adult thing to do. It is what a TRUE FRIEND would do. It's what anyone who has any respect for marriage would do.
Now, what will you do?
Alabama
Asks:
My best friend of 5 years is engaged to marry her boyfriend of 4 years. She says she loves him dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. She was my maid of honor at my wedding and she wants me to be in hers too, so I am helping her plan her wedding.
At the same time - she is also with another man anytime she is not with her fiance. They go out on dates, they have sex, they do the sweet sappy love letters and text messages to each other. He even bought her a star for Christmas and spent another $300 on her for a spa treatment package. She says that she loves guy B dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. So I am stuck in the middle of helping her plan her wedding with guy A while she is also in love with guy B.
She says she wishes she could just have them both and not have to make a decision. She says she knows its wrong but she just can't stop- "When I'm with guy B I just can't tell him no". What is a best friend to do? I can't tell her anything - she won't hear it. I tried to tell her that I don't want to be a part of it anymore - that I can't sit down with her and help her plan her wedding while she is also telling me about being with this other man. But after telling her that - she doesn't want to be friends anymore. She says I'm judging her - and abandoning her and that I'm just a fair weather friend. I don't know what else to do. It breaks my heart to see her do this to herself and to her loved one(s). Should I just chalk this up to a friend lost? ExBestFriend
Lee's Thoughts:
It's difficult when someone you've loved and stood by all of these years starts acting in an unacceptable manner. It forces you to decide about the person YOU will be and the a actions YOU will take.
If you help her plan this wedding and then stand up at the altar with her, the minister, and her ignorant and deceived fiance in front of a crowd of people....you are supporting her and her decisions. You are saying that its OKAY for her to falsely proclaim her love and loyalty to this man in front of GOD AND EVERYONE.
You are not stuck anywhere. You are an adult who freely chooses her life. If you choose to go along with this sham of a wedding and this sham of a life she is leading, you are no better than she.
She is an immature brat who has no business getting married. She has no idea what it takes to sustain a true, loving, and lasting marriage and she will never reap the benefits of one if she finds this acceptable behavior. Do you? Your decision in these next moments, and in these next months will DEFINE you and clearly show the kind of person YOU are. We already know what kind of person she is.
As I said in the beginning, I know its not easy to break off a friendship, but this is not a friend you want to have. If she were twisting the heads off puppies, your decision might be easier. But in this case, it is much easier to just go along with it, to help her plan the party, to wear a pretty dress, drink champagne and toast to the inevitable destruction of two lives. It's the FUN decision.
The HARD decision is to tell her in no uncertain terms that you can not and will not support or celebrate this marriage. Feel free to tell her you love her, you'll be there for her, but this is NOT the wedding or marriage you envisioned for her. YES you are being judgemental, because that's what friends do...they tell each other when they are making flat out BAD DECISIONS. I JUDGE people all the time. Through my JUDGEMENTS, I decide if they are worth my time, if they are people that inspire or disgust me.
Tell her a) You will not be able to participate as her maid of honor. b) If she doesn't tell her fiance about the other guy, you will. c) You'd really love to remain friends, but you completely understand if that is not possible.
It is the adult thing to do. It is what a TRUE FRIEND would do. It's what anyone who has any respect for marriage would do.
Now, what will you do?
