Debra, 26, from Minnesota asks:

My boyfriend is from the Dominican Republic. He lives in America playing baseball. I met him this year while he was here. He was incredibly attentive and loving. A few months ago, he went home to the Dominican to live for a few months. The first two weeks, he called me constantly begging me to come there. I was having a hard time with the long distance relationship and one night I left him a message suggesting we see other people. Bad, bad, I know. I did not hear from him for 4 weeks. During that 4 weeks, I called him every day telling him I had made a mistake and I was devoted to him, I loved him and on and on. I was actually very pathetic! He finally called me and asked me to go there. I said I would in 6 weeks. For the next 6 weeks, he would call me on and off. I could not get a hold of him and did not hear from him the few days before I went there. I almost did not go. But I did get on the plane, thinking he'd be at the airport to greet me - no. I got to my hotel and I could not get a hold of him and he did not call me. Finally, I tried his brother's number and spoke to him. He said he would come to see me the next day. (I was staying about an hour's ride from where he lives.) I got extremely angry saying how I had flown all the way there, etc., etc. He kept saying he loved me, he was serious about us, etc., etc. The next day he came and we had a wonderful time. It was exactly the same as it had always been, he was loving and affectionate and told me he loved me many times. The next day he said he had to go home and he would be back. He called me later that night saying that he could not come and that he would come the next day. I have not heard from him since, it has been two weeks. I was in the Dominican for another 2 nights. When I returned home, I left him another message saying that I would understand anything, if he has changed his mind about us, that I ONLY WANT TO KNOW. He has not called. I am unable to move on wondering what happened and he does not answer his phone or call me. Possibilities: his family is somehow involved - he supports them, am I a threat? Substance abuse - he was high when he came to see me, I know he drinks every night. Another girl, but my instinct is no. Or, has he lost interest? Was he on the fence and then when he saw me he decided to end it? What is driving me insane is that he does not tell me it is over. My big question is: is it at all possible there is something else going on here or does this just scream a loss of interest in me? Thanks so much.

VictorM's advice:

Well, the obvious possibility is that he's dead or seriously hurt now, but given all that you told me, I don't believe that's the case. What is most likely is that you're dead to him, hence the no calls.

Debra, when you told a Latin guy that maybe you should see other people, that was the kiss of death! In his mind he saw you with other guys. It was over then. The cold shoulder on the phone, asking you to go there, not meeting at the airport, not staying with you and not coming back, not answering, not leaving messages, etc. these were all premeditated acts of revenge. That includes the one great night. This way, you get to know what you're missing and he gets sex one more time. Then, poof, he's gone without the least bit of concern for you.

Meanwhile, you're still looking for excuses... maybe it's the family, maybe he doesn't have a girl (yarite!), maybe this, maybe that. Come on! Get off your dream world and face reality. He not only lost interest in you, but he despises you. Unplesant as that may be, it's the most likely situation.

And to top it all off, he does drugs and drinks every night. My lord Debra, how low are your standards?

Years from now you're going to be looking back at this and thanking your lucky stars things turned out the way they have.

Labels: caring, long distance relationship, loving, phone call