Claire, 18, from Arizona asks:

I have been with my boyfriend for three years. We're high school sweethearts, and we're each other's first loves. We had a very unique and mature relationship, but this year was when it got bad. I have an illness in my family, and it has been really hard this year. This summer, things got really bad with our relationship, and at the start of college, he dumped me. He had been hanging out with this one other girl for about a week, and I had asked him if he had feelings for her. He said no, and that they were just friends. But, when we broke up, he started hanging out with her more and developed strong feelings for her and wanted to pursue a relationship. She didn't want one, and messed with his mind for the month that he and I were broken up. He and I had remained friends in that time, and I helped him through his issues while getting on with my own life and being happy. Towards the end of his fling, he started to cuddle with me when we would hang out and tell me he missed me. Then, she left for two weeks and never talked to her again. During that time, he had a party while his parents were out of town, and invited me. I slept over and stayed in his room.. and he ended up pouring his whole heart and soul to me about how he had made a mistake and realized how great things are between us now, and sees how much I've changed. (I was a total bitch..) He had always made me happy, and he was my best friend.. I truly loved him.. and we just had some issues. We ended up talking for hours that night and decided that we'd try again. It's been about 2 weeks.. and he seems soo happy to be with me again. He acts so loving and sweet all the time now.. however, he still talks about how much that girl hurt him by leading him on. If he truly loves me and is happy with me, why is he still hurting from this girl? He says he's over her and it was just some stupid thing he tried and it was just something new, but that he really loved me and only wanted to be with me. Am I missing something? Wouldn't he not have these feelings of hurt if he was really happy with being with me?

VictorM's answer:

She turned him down. That's a huge bruise to his ego, one that doesn't go away easily, and one that you don't play a role in healing. The emotions that trigger love are not related to the emotions that feel rejection. Only if you had been the one to bruise him could you also be the one to heal him. Otherwise, this is between his feelings and her action.

This is not to say your concern is without merit. If, after all, only the bruiser can be the healer, you have to wonder what would happen if the other girl came calling. Would he drop you for her, or would rejecting her be the cure he needs? That I can not say.

You're justified to be bothered that he keeps bringing her up to you. Are you just a shoulder to cry over the one he couldn't have? Does he see you as the one he really loves are are you just safe to be with while he regroups? If he doesn't stop talking about her soon, you need to reconsider this relationship because it does NOT matter how he really feels about her; it matters how you feel about the whole matter. If you don't trust his feelings for you, you're not likely to be happy.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend