Although frustrating, tantrums are nothing to be alarmed about, nothing to feel angry about..it's just a part of a child's development process.

Children throw tantrums because it's the only way they know how to express their frustrations as they haven't yet developed the tools (one example; language) to communicate what they're feeling and why...they also understand more than they can verbaly convey. Also, they'd simply like to gain a bit of independance away from their parents control.

In the instance of a tantrum through a diaper change, give him a choice...make him part of the process; "would you like me to change your diaper or would you be happier doing it all by your self? Would you like to help me do it?" If he ignores you and continues, calmly repeat the question. If this still doesn't work then keep him in his diaper, take him off the change table and leave the room....(tell him you'll be close by so he doesn't feel abandoned.) Before you leave the room explain to him as best you can that you are happy to give him some time to make HIS decision but in the meantime you're not willing to be screamed or kicked at. This move demonstrates that you have respect for yourself (he's learning self-respect from your example) while simultaneously showing him that you aslo care about his needs/wants in return. (you're respecting his need for autonomy by offering him choices.)

When you return after he's worn himself out praise him for regainig control, then ask him what descion he has come to...remind him of his choices. Once everything has completely calmed down firmly convey to him in some way that tantrums are unacceptable and unecessary. Together, figure out a way for him to communicate that doesn't involve kicking or screaming...some kind of sign he's able to give you when he feels upset, which will be your indicator that he has something important to communicate to you. This will take the anxiety out of his sittuations and as a result he won't feel the need to go nuts in order to get your attention.

Some of the greatest things a parent/care giver can teach children is self-confidence, personal responsibility and self-respect...so any attempts on a parents behalf to out-do the childs frustration or anger with their own (a slap) is counter-productive. All they're showing is that they know how to hit in order to get what THEY want...in which case the child will stock-pile resentment which may ultimately cause more problems for the child in the future.

It takes much more thought, effort and patience not to hit...but thought, effort and patience is percisely what a child is entitled to. Hope this helps and good-luck.
 

Passion,

You did see that this child was only 15 months, right? While children are intelligent, I've yet to see a 15 month old toddler grasp the concept of "making a choice." At this stage, the parent needs to make the choice for him. Asking him if he would like to change his diaper himself??? I know if I let my daughter make that kind of decision, at this stage of her life, she'd run around all day playing keep away from mommy--thinking it's some kind of game.

Spanking a child or "popping" a child on the leg is not done in anger. When my daughter throws a fit, I'm not angry with her. But she needs to focus on me and do what I say, not get carried away in her own world of crying and kicking and writhing around on the changing table/floor/whereever she may be. It catches her attention, she refocuses on me, I stay stop/no/mommy needs to change your diaper, I smile at her and give her a kiss on the nose and everything is back to normal. But the behavior she was exhibiting, nearly throwing herself off the table is dangerous and SHE can be harmed. In THAT kind of situation, immediate action needs to be taken, not reasoning with her. The question Pat posed, I knew exactly what was happening because I am going through the same situation now. And 9 out of 10 times, there isn't an option to postpone the "decision" until the child calms down from a tantrum. Immediate action needs to be taken.

However, simple tantrums from not getting a toy? Yeah, sure, try the reasoning. I'm not spanking her when that happens. I say no, don't give in to the tantrum and give her an alternative. For example, "No, you can't play with mommy's camera, but here is your ball to play with." If she doesn't want the ball she can go to her toybox, but can't have the camera. The choice is hers.
 

Understandably and very obviously, a child isn't going to change their own diaper....or even come to a rational conclusion of what they'd prefer to do. Even though they're not capable of making good choices, it's still good to offer the appearance of choices. A child knows when they're being asked a question even with just hearing the tone of voice alone... it gets their attention - they see the parent being interested in them...not their tanntrum...and not just the parents desire to "take control" and demand obedience from them.

No, it's not good for a child to exercise their will all over the place but spanking them or "popping" them as you put it, is not an appropriate way to get their attention in my eyes. Would you like them to hit you in order to get your attention?

If your child was at risk of throwing herself off the change table then simply take her off the change table. And yes it's appropriate to postpone the "decision" until the child calms down from a tantrum...actually it's wise.

When a child feels irate they need to witness a calm presence who is able to stay in control...not a dominating presence who causes them physical and emotioanl pain while forcing them to stuff their feelings away. This just encourages them to stock-pile resentment.

There is nothing in my mind that would justify hitting a child and especially a baby for gawd sakes. Absolutely nothing.
 

During a tantrum, your child does not pay attention to you simply because of the tone of your voice. Yes, they understand the tone of a question. However, during a tantrum--good luck on expecting them to respond to your tone alone. Has this parenting trick worked well for you?

No, I don't expect the child to hit me to get my attention. However, discipline is laying the framework for the parent-child relationship. There are plenty of things I will be able to do as the adult that my child will not. It's not about equality, it's about parenting.

Simply take her off the changing table? Right with poo and pee all over her butt I'll simply pick her up and put her down. Why didn't I think of that? Genius.

Witnessing a calm presence. You're assuming that spanking and discipline is down in some irate, crazy state of mind.

There is ABOSULTELY NOTHING WRONG with discipline. Physical discipline. I don't run around beating the crap out of my child. I don't "hit" her for the heck of it. I remember growing up my dad was the most loving dad. I had a blast with him. He was affectionate and playful. However, I knew he was the boss. I knew when he said no he meant it. And if I didn't obey, there would be consequences. I had a healthy fear of him. Not cowarding in the corner, scared to death I would get beaten. But I respected his authority and his role as my parent.

Once again, do not confuse abuse with discipline. Spanking is NOT abuse and is extremely effective.
 

Yes that's right, take her off the change table. I really don't care what she has on her butt. It's irrelevant. You didn't think of it because you clearly don't think. You hit.

"Witnesing a calm presence." Yes, witnessing a calm presence who knows how to stay in control.

No, I'm not assuming that physical punishment is only done in an irate state of mind, and actually it sounds even more disturbing when I hear that it's done while in a calm state because this would mean you're quite aware of what you're doing.

You say there is absolutely nothing wrong with inflicting physical harm on a child...I say there most certainly is. A parent doesn't need to hit in order to teach. And it's interesting that you say the word "obey". Like I said before, a child needs to be taught self-confidence, personal responsibility and self-respect.

And by the way, your self-righteous statement that spanking is "extremely effective"...where did you pick up that idea?? How and with what are you gong to back that up??

Spanking is NOT effective for the child Stacey...it's effective FOR YOU.

"Once again, do not confuse abuse with discipline."

I don't. I'm able too see, quite clearly, that your moral distinction is completely messed up. Hitting is abusive...in ANY relationship. Period.

Oh, and next time some girl writes in telling us that her partner is hitting her, make sure you don't get upset and start accusing her of not having any self-respect for - and don't bother warning her to get out of the realtionship....just tell her to stay and suck it up.
 

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Wow.

Passion, I have tried many times to rationally discuss issues with you. Granted, what I say sometimes has a sarcastic undertone in order to express my thoughts. But you seem to get off at making personal insults and misconstruing words in order to make your point.

I learned quite a long time ago that you can't have a rational discussion with an irrational person. And it always seems to boil down to that with you.

Wanna tell the world how your opinion is the ONLY correct one and everyone else has it wrong? Get your own blog. As for now, when people write to MY column I will give them MY advice...seeing how they are asking the MOM. Not you.
 

Do you really believe that because you're a parent that this automatically bestows you with great wisdom? That is ridiculous.

Here's a good one: you said you've learned that you can't have a rational discussion with an irrational person? When you say "irrational person", do you mean 'you'? Because really, there isn't anything rational about hitting a child. Predictably, you can't back up what you say so like usual, you twist the blame away from yourself and on to others. It's called projection Stacey...dropping what you feel about your own self onto other people when you don't have a leg to stand on. Also, one doesn't have to be "a know it all" to understand the simple truth of not hitting...it's based on COMMON SENSE...yet you label ME as irrational and yourself sensible?? Oh boy.

I'll tell who ever I want my opinion because my conscience is clear in knowing that there doesn't contain any poison in what I'd like people to understand. You seem quite proud to have your own blog, but do you really think this entitles you to try and convince the world that hitting children is ok? I personally think it's a sinister message to be spreading....and believe me, thousands would back me up...and this would show you that it's not only my opinion that's correct. So kindly step off your horse.

I don't misconstrue your words to make points. You simply feel hitting is appropriate...there is no mystery and nothing to misconstrue here. I hear your message clearly, and so have many others. I have chosen to challenge it and really hope someone else will take the time to do so as well.
 

To spank or not to spank...to each his own...

However spanking does NOT equal abuse. If it did, every parent in the 70's would have been locked up.
 

Lee, grow up! Get your facts straight, get your LOGIC straight...and simply THINK!

"To spank or not to spank...to each his own.."

What are you talkin about??!! Do you think this is about something as trivial as whether the toilet seat should be left up or down??!! Do you think that just because someone is a parent that this entitles them to hit a child??...as if it's some kind of "right"?? Use your brains!
 

Oh and any parent that spanked in the 70's as a form of discipline did so because it was accepted in society, as very few people questioned the detrimental effects it could have on a child. Also, it was learned behavior, passed down from generation to generation. Nobody QUESTIONED what they were actually doing. Not to mention that some people also followed (and still, even currently) what the bible dictates: "spare the rod spoil the child" instead of thinking about what they personally feel about the whole thing.

Thousands of years ago behavior was barbaric in general. If someone was caught stealing a loaf of bread they got their damn hand chopped off. The forms of punishment back then were horrific. But that was THEN...a long long time ago where their level of awareness was..well evedintly, not very level.

So it was with the dictation of hitting a child back then. Come on Lee, you talk all the time about "evolution"..so how could you not see how it would apply to this?? How can you not see that what was appropriate back then is simply not approprate today; because we have learned, we have developed, we are more sophisticated and civilized, we understand human behavior...the list goes on forever. To me, this is common sense. And to me, hitting a child is not showing love...it's showing ignorance and obliviousness.
 

PBT you are so sweet when you pose your opinions. It is very compassionate of you to be against hitting a child. Your current and/or future children are so lucky to have you. I hope that they grow up to be disciplined and well-adjusted adults.

Good luck with your crusade against spanking!
 

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