denise, 27, from cavan asks:

I have been going out with my boyfriend for nearly a year. He has battled with gambling in the past before I knew him. He told me that he doesn't gamble anymore but I don't know if I can believe him. He is good to me, he loves me and really cares for me but the problem is with trust. He was completely honest with me, I found a letter from a debt collector the other day, he owes 2000. I confronted him and he said it's a debt from a few years back that he hasn't sorted out yet. I found the other night that he lied to me about something else, he said he was too afraid to me before. I feel so hurt that he has lied to me and don't feel I can trust him even though I love him. I own a house with my sister who is single and I have my own car. My boyfriend lives at home, has a child to his ex and his future doesn't look good unless he starts being honest and sorts out his finances. I think he is a type of person who will always have money problems but he is a good person. I don't know what to do. It's so hard to find a nice loving person but how do we continue now? I can't see a happy future with this person. I am not materialistic but money does matter, I want him to be able to meet me half way so maybe we buy a house some day but I don't think that will happen.

VictorM's advice:

I'm going to assume that when you wrote "He was completely honest with me" you meant to type "He was not completely honest with me".

Money is important and you shouldn't dismiss it's significance but even if we cast that aside, what's left is more important. You have said two things that to me are deal breakers: 1) "he has lied to me and don't feel I can trust him", and 2) "I can't see a happy future with this person." The effort it would take for you to overcome the trust issue and be happy are immense, I would even dare say, impossible.

You also said "It's so hard to find a nice loving person". But Denise, you have not found that in this guy. You only think so because you've lowered your expectations too much. Yes, he may treat you nicely now, but a man who can't treat himself well will eventually turn on you. It's just a matter of time or a frustrating situation that he blames on you.

I have no doubt he could be a good soul, but people who don't take care of themselves for whatever reasons tend to be very nice to others because they need to be liked (it doesn't come from within). Once someone is in their inner circle, one of two things generally happen: they either take you for granted as they take themselves, or they become terribly dependent. Look at his relationship with his son and his parents for clues.

It's not like people can't turn they lives around -- they can -- but that happens much more in movies and romance novels than it does in real life. Absent some drastic condition that forces change, that likelihood is even more remote.

Here you have an habitual liar, with money problems, and addiction issues. The gambling addiction probably didn't go away; he just doesn't have money now. Once he comes into some money he might be tempted and the debts will pile up again. Now, I'm not saying he didn't beat his addiction, but I am rather skeptical. Gambling is a hard addiction to break from.

One last thing: do not confuse "treating you well" with "being a good person". Many a gangster, for example, treated their women well. That does not a good person make.

Don't sell yourself short and trade long term happiness for short term companionship. You seem to have a good grasp of the situation -- do NOT be afraid to make the right decision.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend