Saturday, July 29, 2006
Me or the Kids?
Tonya, 21
Florida
Asks:
I have been with my fiance for 7 years and he's considerably older than me. I also know this guy (my ex) who lives in another state. I knew him before my fiance and I find myself always running to him on the phone when I need to talk. I've started having feelings for him again. I don't think I have feelings for my fiance anymore and I want to be with my ex again. Only problem is that I have 2 kids with my fiance and I don't know if I should think of me or the kids. I always feel like a prisoner with my fiance cause he never lets me go out when I have a chance. He always comes up with an excuse to keep me home like making me feel bad saying,"I wanted to spend time with you" and all that jazz. Well I don't feel the relationship anymore and he never wants to go out. I'm 21 and he's 31. What am I supposed to do?
Lee's Thoughts:
SOO many issues to address here...I'll just jump right in. First, no one makes you feel guilty. You do that completely on your own, so there's no blaming him for that.
You've been with him since you were seventeen and you made two babies with him. It doesn't sound like he is too horrible if you would have brought not one, but two children into the world and stayed for so long.
You don't know if you should think about yourself or the kids? Guess what? It's ALWAYS the KIDS. No matter WHAT. You're a mom now. You accepted the responsibility. You decided to create (somewhat of) a family with your fiance. You should think about the kids. End of story.
However, WHEN thinking about the kids, they deserve a strong and happy family unit, which means happy and loving parents. I'm sure part of your disenchantment with this relationship is your lost youth. You missed out on the adventures of dating while you were young and you were forced to be an adult early in life. It's very tough and I'm sure the ex in another state is offering you all kinds of wonderful visions of how life can be. But you need to refocus on your FAMILY, talk out your issues with your husband, explain to him what you need from the relationship and ask him what he needs. Start putting your energy where it is most needed.
If your finace says he wants to spend time with you, that's the sign of a good guy. Make dates, go to the park, have lunches together in the middle of the day, talk about something other then the kids and the house for a change. Add some spice to life. Spend some time with him and that will free you up to go out with your girlfriends once in a while (guilt-free).
If you ACT loving, you will CREATE love. Concentrate on being nice to him and he will see/feel/hear/notice the difference I promise. Don't nag him or whine at him. PRAISE him. It may sound difficult since there are so many complexities to your relationship and life at this moment, but try it for a week or two. See if pouring love and energy into your family doesn't yield magnificent results. It's worth it, isn't it? Your kids deserve this effort.
Florida
Asks:
I have been with my fiance for 7 years and he's considerably older than me. I also know this guy (my ex) who lives in another state. I knew him before my fiance and I find myself always running to him on the phone when I need to talk. I've started having feelings for him again. I don't think I have feelings for my fiance anymore and I want to be with my ex again. Only problem is that I have 2 kids with my fiance and I don't know if I should think of me or the kids. I always feel like a prisoner with my fiance cause he never lets me go out when I have a chance. He always comes up with an excuse to keep me home like making me feel bad saying,"I wanted to spend time with you" and all that jazz. Well I don't feel the relationship anymore and he never wants to go out. I'm 21 and he's 31. What am I supposed to do?
Lee's Thoughts:
SOO many issues to address here...I'll just jump right in. First, no one makes you feel guilty. You do that completely on your own, so there's no blaming him for that.
You've been with him since you were seventeen and you made two babies with him. It doesn't sound like he is too horrible if you would have brought not one, but two children into the world and stayed for so long.
You don't know if you should think about yourself or the kids? Guess what? It's ALWAYS the KIDS. No matter WHAT. You're a mom now. You accepted the responsibility. You decided to create (somewhat of) a family with your fiance. You should think about the kids. End of story.
However, WHEN thinking about the kids, they deserve a strong and happy family unit, which means happy and loving parents. I'm sure part of your disenchantment with this relationship is your lost youth. You missed out on the adventures of dating while you were young and you were forced to be an adult early in life. It's very tough and I'm sure the ex in another state is offering you all kinds of wonderful visions of how life can be. But you need to refocus on your FAMILY, talk out your issues with your husband, explain to him what you need from the relationship and ask him what he needs. Start putting your energy where it is most needed.
If your finace says he wants to spend time with you, that's the sign of a good guy. Make dates, go to the park, have lunches together in the middle of the day, talk about something other then the kids and the house for a change. Add some spice to life. Spend some time with him and that will free you up to go out with your girlfriends once in a while (guilt-free).
If you ACT loving, you will CREATE love. Concentrate on being nice to him and he will see/feel/hear/notice the difference I promise. Don't nag him or whine at him. PRAISE him. It may sound difficult since there are so many complexities to your relationship and life at this moment, but try it for a week or two. See if pouring love and energy into your family doesn't yield magnificent results. It's worth it, isn't it? Your kids deserve this effort.
Comments:
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I don't think you have feelings for this ex, I think you are remembering feelings. Feelings of the freeness that you had before you had children, something that your fiance gave you.
I see this as you are trying to regain your youth, so getting back with the ex makes you feel like you can do that. But going back to the guy, won't get rid of your kids (as I'm sure you don't want to). You WON'T be happy with this ex. I suggest you stop talking to him completly and spend more time with your fiance. You obviously love him enough to have children with him. Don't let old feelings get in the way. It's just blanketting things, it's not real.
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I see this as you are trying to regain your youth, so getting back with the ex makes you feel like you can do that. But going back to the guy, won't get rid of your kids (as I'm sure you don't want to). You WON'T be happy with this ex. I suggest you stop talking to him completly and spend more time with your fiance. You obviously love him enough to have children with him. Don't let old feelings get in the way. It's just blanketting things, it's not real.
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