Vanessa, 24
Colorado
Asks:

I've been in a relationship for 7 years. To make things as short as possible, my spouse used to hurt me all the time like taking off for a couple of days and just didn't care too much about his daughter and me. Now I am at the point where I want to end this relationship and he does not. He cried and I know he loves me now more then ever, but all of a sudden I don't want to try anymore. I feel I have fallen out of love with him. Any advice is appreciated, thanx.

Lee's Thoughts:

I know you've been through a lot and you are trying to protect yourself and your daughter from any further pain, but all things being equal, your daughter really needs a mom and a dad.

I know you don't know what to trust, his history of screwing you over, or this new sobbing mess begging you to stay. In the interest of your daughter, I would give it ONE.MORE.CHANCE.

I know this sounds like exhausting advice after all of the crap you've endured from him, but this is how it will be different. You will no longer be at his whim if he decides to make it home at night, if he decides to be a decent dad and husband. You are giving him this one more chance to have you and your daughter in his life. You are giving him one more chance to be a MAN. You are in control.

You will need to make it clear to him that you are no longer the weak doormat of a woman that he has been walking on all of these years. You have CHANGED and if he wants anything to do with you and your daughter, HE has got to change too. Tell him, as of right now, EVERYTHING CHANGES.

You will probably second guess yourself and wonder if you aren't being a little too much of a bitch, but now is the time when you will set your priorities and you will let him know what you will and will not accept from him from now on.

But first, you have to set them for yourself.

You need to determine your expectations of him. (home for dinner each night, support family financially, emotionally, and mentally, a happy demeanor)

You need to determine what you will NOT STAND EVER from him. (drugs, sex with other women, leaving town without notice, hitting, screaming, yelling, verbal abuse)

You need to determine what you will bring to this deal. (make dinner most nights, sex on occasion, driving suzie to dance class, a happy demeanor)

Your non-negotiables must be clear to him. If he breaks any one of them, you pack up your stuff and you find the nearest relative or hotel and you never look back. He doesn't deserve you. I know you are exhausted from trying to hold up this relationship for so many years. But you aren't doing it for him, you're doing it for your daughter. You are trying to be a classy adult and trying to give your daughter a stable family. Best case scenario, you both get into the habit of being classy adults and you begin to enjoy the joy of creating a happy household for your daughter and maybe even begin to enjoy each other again.

But be prepared. A man with this sort of history of treating his family this way has a VERY STRONG potential for f*#king up again and going back to his old ways. You need to be ready to say goodbye the moment he proves that he cannot be trusted. It won't be easy, but you as a strong capable woman can provide a better life for your daughter as a single mom than with an unstable, abusive dad.

So, give it a chance. For now, bet on the possibility that his intentions may be true. The possibility for a happy ending is worth it. But, always keep an eye open. Be aware of his same old shit returning and be prepared to drop him like a bad habit.

Good luck.