jay, 30, from baltimore asks:

I have a guy friend and got involved with him in a 'friends with benefits' kind of thing that lasted for 9 months. However, few months ago, I told him that we need to stop this because I would like to be in a relationship with a potential husband who is living miles away from me. He agreed and respected my request, however, few weeks after that serious conversation of stopping our affair, he keeps calling or texting me again. He wanted to see me again but I tried to avoid him by giving him alibis. But, he has been insistent now and sometimes would call me but he would already be in my apartment door. I got no choice but to let him in. He is very smart, good-looking, fun, single but with 2 kids. I am single too. We have fun whenever we are together, we are on the same field of interest (nursing), no-dull-moments, but I couldn't see myself being with him in a serious relationship. My question is, why does he keep on coming back? I'm just curious, I don't have the courage to ask him. Why can't he keep his promise to leave me alone? I never call him. He is the one who initiates calls/texts. What is going on?

VictorM's answer:

Why does he keep coming back? Let me count the ways...

-- "We have fun whenever we are together, we are on the same field of interest (nursing), no-dull-moments." Why would he want to pass that up?

-- "I got no choice but to let him in." Of course you had a choice. But he knows you'd let him in.

-- "I am single too". Despite everything else you told him, you're still available, and willing.

-- "I tried to avoid him by giving him alibis". He knows you can't bring yourself to simply say NO. You have to be making up excuses. That makes you sound weak.

-- Lastly, this leads to the point I make most often on this blog: you are now a challenge! Guys love challenges and the moment you told him you didn't want to be doing this, you became a game worth playing. And he's winning.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend