Thursday, April 20, 2006
Where's the Love?
Ross, 44
Illinois
Asks:
Hi. I was in a very loving relationship with my girlfriend for a year but she left me 2 months ago. I'm 44 & she's 46. She just told me last night what happened & I'd like some advice to get her back.
She said that I was too defensive & that we could never be together because her inner child is very frightened by mine. I know that sounds weird but it does make sense and I agree with her. I have verbally lashed out at her 2 times. She is as very sweet person & I have been doing things to change my behavior. I'm in counseling & on medication. These things are helping me but I need to show her that I have changed & hopefully she'll reconsider. I'd do anything for her & have always showed how much I care, told her much I loved her, told her how beautiful she is etc. I just can't seem to break the ice with her. I have tried everything from gifts to letters, emails and text messages. The only thing I haven't tried is asking her to marry me. How could she do that if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Please help me I have tried everything I could up to this point & won't move on. Our love was that strong & could be again. I know you can help!!
Lee's Thoughts:
First, DO NOT ask this woman to marry you. That would be a flailing attempt to get her back. You want to be on solid ground with yourself and each other before you make that step. You don't want a marriage proposal to sound like begging.
I haven't gotten the drift of whether she is explaining to you what happened and trying to help you fix this relationship, or if she has said numerous times to you, "It's over. I'm sorry. We tried, but we will never be together." Think about this...Has she ever given you any inkling that you have a chance at all of reuniting? Or is all of this getting back together stuff completely in your head? Seriously. Sometimes our emotions become so large that they cloud our realistic judgment. Think about what she has actually been saying to you, not what you've been wanting to hear.
Other than that, the only thing you can do is what you are doing. You are trying to improve yourself not only for her (I hope), but for yourself, in order to make yourself a better person. That is the best way of getting through this, concentrate on yourself. Tell her this. Tell her that you are trying to fix your issues for yourself, which will in turn make you a better partner. If she is open at all to trying your relationship again, this will mean a lot.
However, keep in mind that it is possible that she may simply have decided that you are not the one for her. If that is the case, no amount of therapy, self-help books, or evolution will bring you two back together. Sometimes its best to just accept that a relationship has run its course and taught you everything it was supposed to teach you, so you can move on to a different stage of your life.
Illinois
Asks:
Hi. I was in a very loving relationship with my girlfriend for a year but she left me 2 months ago. I'm 44 & she's 46. She just told me last night what happened & I'd like some advice to get her back.
She said that I was too defensive & that we could never be together because her inner child is very frightened by mine. I know that sounds weird but it does make sense and I agree with her. I have verbally lashed out at her 2 times. She is as very sweet person & I have been doing things to change my behavior. I'm in counseling & on medication. These things are helping me but I need to show her that I have changed & hopefully she'll reconsider. I'd do anything for her & have always showed how much I care, told her much I loved her, told her how beautiful she is etc. I just can't seem to break the ice with her. I have tried everything from gifts to letters, emails and text messages. The only thing I haven't tried is asking her to marry me. How could she do that if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Please help me I have tried everything I could up to this point & won't move on. Our love was that strong & could be again. I know you can help!!
Lee's Thoughts:
First, DO NOT ask this woman to marry you. That would be a flailing attempt to get her back. You want to be on solid ground with yourself and each other before you make that step. You don't want a marriage proposal to sound like begging.
I haven't gotten the drift of whether she is explaining to you what happened and trying to help you fix this relationship, or if she has said numerous times to you, "It's over. I'm sorry. We tried, but we will never be together." Think about this...Has she ever given you any inkling that you have a chance at all of reuniting? Or is all of this getting back together stuff completely in your head? Seriously. Sometimes our emotions become so large that they cloud our realistic judgment. Think about what she has actually been saying to you, not what you've been wanting to hear.
Other than that, the only thing you can do is what you are doing. You are trying to improve yourself not only for her (I hope), but for yourself, in order to make yourself a better person. That is the best way of getting through this, concentrate on yourself. Tell her this. Tell her that you are trying to fix your issues for yourself, which will in turn make you a better partner. If she is open at all to trying your relationship again, this will mean a lot.
However, keep in mind that it is possible that she may simply have decided that you are not the one for her. If that is the case, no amount of therapy, self-help books, or evolution will bring you two back together. Sometimes its best to just accept that a relationship has run its course and taught you everything it was supposed to teach you, so you can move on to a different stage of your life.
